This is no way to live.
I sometimes feel like I've been depressed all my life, I just didn't know what it was called before. Contrary to popular belief depression isn't all sadness all the time. As a child I was withdrawn, I remember always being a little more inside myself than outside of it. I remember my interior world more than I remember the world outside of it. Maybe because I had always been afraid. Terrified of the world outside that had always scared my mom so much, that still scares my mom. She is still afraid to drive, though she can and does. She can\t do right turns properly, she doesn't deviate from well-known routes and does not drive herself recreationally or anywhere other than work.
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
My driving fears stem from a number of things:
- My fear of death. All those car accident statistics don't help. I have always had a fear of death which has been the source of my OCD, the driver of my anxieties, obsessions and compulsions. I have gotten better but there are nights when I stay awake for hours thinking about my mortality, my parent's, my world's. It has been incredibly difficult to accept and work through. It was also a big reason that I became depressed. Thinking about gratitude and being happy with the life I have now has helped me bring myself into the present and stop worrying about my future.
- When I was in high school my mom used to pick me up from school. She was a terrible driver. She picked me up almost everyday for almost a year and I swear it traumatized me because I had to watch the traffic for her. I felt like I was thrown into the driver's seat. There were many, many close calls. I think what I internalized from that was how my mom, this little lady had no control over this gigantic machine and that we could have been very easily in an accident because of her nervous driving. She would grip the steering wheel and no look around, she would miss cars coming right towards her.
- The scariest was when she drove into oncoming traffic: we were supposed to turn right into the intersection but she kept going and turned left after the curb into oncoming traffic, I yelled at her that this is the wrong side and she said "what should I do" and I told her to turn into the parking lot straight ahead (luckily). I still remember that moment. I still remember what it was like to almost die. I know it wasn't quite that dramatic because we didn't hit anyone but we drove into oncoming traffic. I have unresolved feelings about that incident and that year. I am angry at my mom for not being stronger, for being weak and fearful. And now I am angry at her for passing it on to me. What else am I if not fearful and weak? For that reason alone I am willing to try again.
- I am afraid of losing control of the car. I am afraid that my OCD will take over and I will drive into a pole...just because. I've had this fear since I started driving when I was 16. This is the most irrational fear but I think it is deep in my mind and doesn't always come to the forefront.
As I've said before, I don't think I'm afraid of driving actually. In fact I think I'd be quite good at it. The problem I have is with being judged and watched - by the instructor, my dad, other drivers. But weirdly enough I do think I can do it. I know it's just a matter of driving a few times to learn the basics but my new fear is: what if I never get better - another irrational fear because I did eventually learn to do left turns properly. That took only one lesson. I'm sure my instructor has way better students but from me overthinking his comments I got the feeling like I was bottom of the barrel and that really did a number on my self-esteem. I just want someone who is always supportive, who understands that I am not like everyone else - that my social anxiety makes me incapable of focusing when I'm distracted by the reactions of my instructor - at least in the beginning. I just want to practice with my dad around the neighborhood and get better that way. BUt his anger and disappointment scares me too.
But I have been rethinking this whole fear thing. I just have to suck it up and keep going, beat it down like water against a boulder. I want to be stubborn and say yes to doing the right thing which is going out to practice even when I don't feel like it.
In terms of weight - my weight at the "start" was 208.1 - but I'm bloated from my period. Interestingly, though, I would normally be craving everything in the house but I really don't feel like pigging out! It may be because I reduced my carb intake just in time.
I'm gearing up for September now and kinda can't wait to get back into and win at driving, weight loss and school. I can do it, I just have to keep telling myself like the little engine did.
