So...
Since my last post a little bit has happened, some good, some bad, as usual.
Around September, I began having panic attacks. I had to go to the doctor and he gave me a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication and it has certainly made me feel better. But, because of all the stress and pressure and balancing school and my craziness, I ate to feel better and climbed back up to 220 pounds.
I know.
Now, in the new year, I have, of course, like millions of other people decided to gear down and lose weight. I have done okay so far. I've lost 3.1 pounds since a week ago, when I came back from vacation. I'll update the stats when I have some spare time but I just didn't want to abandon this blog like I do everything else. Last year was...not the best. I chose to end some relationships and strengthen others, but, still, I was unhappy. If my emotions were graphed, my x axis or baseline would be "slightly unhappy all the time" rather than neutral or happy. After the meds I feel more normal. I feel like happiness has less strings attached to it. It certainly is not a one pill solution or key to happiness and fuzzy feelings its made out to be in televisions or movies. It just keeps me sane and able to feels emotions more clearly than I would in my otherwise chemically imbalanced state.
I'm starting slowly. I just wanted to feel normal again. I'm adjusting to a new term and have a lot of time off per week so I'm hoping to exercise twice a day. I want to start running and maintain a healthy diet. I am not tracking my calories because I know that's not for me. As helpful as it is it puts an uneasy pressure on someone with OCD who is obsessed with order and numbers.
I also know that I need to keep my exercise simple. I want to do Insanity again simply because of the way it made my body look. I only lost a few pounds but the physical changes were great. Combining that with cardio, I think, will help. I also have a little less pressure this term because my grades for this term aren't super important. I'm still going to work hard but health comes first.
I'm also not expecting miracles. My goal for the end of February is to lose about 18 more pounds. I have more goals, but I'll go from there. Eighteen pound is a lot of weight to lose. I've been avoiding carbs as much as possible but I'm also trying to eat normally i.e. I'm not running away from food, I'm eating stuff my mom makes because I want to be able to enjoy life and not feel deprived. I bought 25 lb weights and also a Polar monitor so I can get some accurate readings of calories lost. I care more about that than calories consumed.
Point is: I'm trying.
