I had my first driving lesson today and it was...not good. I was incredibly slow in taking up very simple commands. It was partly because I was trying to manage getting used to the car, the steering and controlling the vehicle. The funny thing is I thought it would come way easier and I wasn't as nervous as I thought. I mean I was, but I was also willing to learn. I was a little panicky, braking when I'm not supposed to and so forth. We only practiced left turns today, but it was still a lot to take in.
The thing is, I am not the kind of learner who picks things up right away. Let me give an example: when I started working at an office in the University that involved lots of admin work and multi-tasking, it took me time to familiarize myself and absorb my surroundings. While I'm sure some people can dive in right away, it took me about 4-5 shifts to get the hang of it, but once I did, it was natural. In the same way, I just know that I will be good at driving, that I will pick it up, but I have to take things slow. I need to absorb everything. While the instructor wants me to: mirror, mirror, shoulder check, turn signal, move and shut the signal off and shoulder check and move back, I am still getting used to my surroundings. I know I need to focus on the road but it is a lot of stimuli for me and I need to get the hang of driving in general. I intend to practice in a parking lot with my dad tomorrow so that I can get used to the steering and turning, the accelerating and braking.
Another example is that I'm really good at driving video games, not right away, but when I pick it up, I am awesome. Of course, driving on the TV and on the road are completely different with different consequences but I know myself, and I know how I react and how I learn.
The reason I am demoralized is because I thought I would do much better but I felt uneasy and uncomfortable. My instructor was great, very patient, but I was just having trouble getting the hang of the turns and doing them properly. I intend to practice everyday until I get good...
And that's where the "but" comes in in the title above.
I have hemmed and hawed for 10 years. Found excuses to never call an instructor. Gotten rides from friends everywhere, been driven around by my sister. Driven around by my parents in my 20s and been embarrassed everyday at my inability but my fear was so great, my anxiety about driving was so great that I didn't even want to think about driving lessons. Just thinking about lessons gave me major anxiety so I wouldn't be able to sleep. And now? After today? I want to learn. I want to get better. I want to pass the test with flying colors, but even if I don't, I just want to be a good driver and I am excited to learn. While driving on a busy road still makes me nervous, I am ready to practice and learn. While I am afraid, I haven't let the fear grow big enough to deter me. The key is practice for me, and I know that.
I am so surprised that I feel this way but then again I have been this way recently. I am incredibly stubborn and a perfectionist, in the sense that when I have to do something I have to do it well or not at all. I look forward to the driving test once I have learned all the skills required. I will take it once I am confident enough to go anywhere on my own. I look at this as an opportunity, not a chore. While my first lesson didn't go exactly as I had hoped (I'm a magically awesome driver as soon as I touch the steering?), I am demoralized a bit but undeterred. I want to impress my instructor and I want to learn how to drive well.
The other thing is I need to forget everything from ten years ago - meaning I need to forgive myself for my failure, I need to forget my terrible experience with my first instructor, and I need to focus on today and tomorrow. I remember in today's lesson I felt like I was a little bit out-of-body. My nerves were responsible for that. I need to concentrate and focus 100% on the road and the rules. I hope the next lesson is better. I just want to get better each time and retain the rules. Even if I have to do that road test a hundred times, I will get my license and I will get it sooner rather than later. I would rather practice everyday and do the test a few times this summer than worry and do nothing an be unprepared for it. As cheesy as it sounds, I just have to believe in myself and my abilities. I am a slow learner but once I get the hang of something, I get really, really good.
