My last few blog posts have been short and to the point because I haven't had the time or energy to write a long-form post about how I am feeling and thinking but it is important because I need to catalog my thoughts during the "flow" as well, and understand my motivation.
My whole day revolves around exercise right now. I wake up at around 4 pm in the evening, have a smoothie and then I hang out with the family. Afterwards, when they go off to bed, I start my workout routine and exercise for about 2 hours. I burn about and average of 700 calories. I feel like I can do more and it should increase overtime.
I know that this is not a sustainable lifestyle and it is only possible, now, during the summer when I have nothing going on for the next few weeks. Actually, that's not true, I do have things going on but I am avoiding them because I am afraid of juggling too many things and losing control. I know I need to get a handle on myself now.
Based on my school schedule in the coming year and all the things I need to do with my job, I think it's important to start structuring my day a little better. I, of course, need to start waking up earlier. I am thinking 12 pm to start and then I'll go earlier. Then I can have my smoothie and I can then hang out with the family and get to work. After working on my school and job stuff, I can exercise when everyone goes off to bed, around 9:00 pm and then relax till 2-3 am. I think that should be okay. It is still not a "normal" schedule but I have to do what works for me.
In terms of my motivation, I like working out. I don't think about it too much. I just know that lifting weights will make me stronger and walking on high incline will strengthen my legs. I use a heart rate monitor and the only thing I am measuring right now is how many calories I burn during my workout. I am hoping to start burning an average of 800 calories a week. I would like to burn about 900 calories per workout because that means that my heart rate was in zone for about 90 minutes of my workout out of 110 minutes which is about right.
I am also not weighing myself right now because I think if I weighed myself right now and saw anything higher than 203.5, I would be incredibly disappointed even though I have only been "supercharging" for about six days. Still, that is what the number does to me. It screws with my head and it fucks my mind over into thinking that I should have lost much more by now, that I should be under 200 by now.
That is the real goal. Getting under 200. I am doing this "supercharging" right now to blow through that barrier and to also build up my strength and tone up my arms. To give you an idea of how messed up I am about weight and body image: I have to remind myself everyday that it has only been 4 day, 5 days, etc. that I have to wait until the end of the month to figure the changes in my body. So, it will be great if my mind also changes along with this for the better. I also need to remember that last summer when I was doing Insanity, while I was really disappointed about only losing 4 lbs, almost everyone noticed the change in my body and I got lots of comments, I also felt like it really toned me. I think my diet should have been better but that disappointment of the 4 pounds led me to binge again on vacation and not care. Then the driving, and then I had to finally get the antidepressant because I was so unhappy with everything and just felt out of control.
Now I am trying with the help of the pill, and everything to continue to build on that effort and realize that I probably lost a ton of inches from insanity even if I may not have lost pounds. And, I have to keep telling myself: Inches over pounds; because that is the most important thing anyway, that I lose inches of fat. The pounds are actually really unreliable.
I do have little ribbons I cut up to measure the difference in inches at the end of the month, so I am hoping there will be lots of excess ribbon!
How am I motivating myself right now? I don't have a lot else on my mind. I structure my whole day around my workout so I don't really have to motivate myself because I just know that I am going, that I have to, that I want to work out - and I really feel like you need all three to be consistent and work hard in your workout.
There is also an element of competition. I want to keep doing better and getting better and getting stronger. I want to keep lifting heavier and heavier so that my arms and my core get stronger. I try to do pushups and keep trying to get lower and dig deeper (though they are still modified pushups). At least, I am starting somewhere.
