"I've been every size in the world. Parts of my twenties, I was in great shape, but I didn't appreciate it. If I was a 6 or an 8, I thought, why aren't I a 2 or a 4? I bought into it — I should be taller, thinner, have better hair. But I think that's part of being young. Now, especially with kids, you lose any sense of time or energy to worry about all the little stuff."This made me think a lot. I've talked before about my adolescent body-image issues - how I became preoccupied with my weight and considered it abnormal to be 130 lbs at 12 years old because I was very slightly chubbier (not even) than the stick-skinny girls in my class. I wanted to be that skinny. Then, when I was in junior high I weighted maybe 140-150 at 14-15 years old and I wanted more than anything to be able show my mid-riff in shirts and wear tiny shorts like the skinny girls in my class. When I hit high school my preoccupation with my weight turned into a straight up obsession. The skinny girls were wearing even shorter clothes and I couldn't. I stopped wearing tanktops. My weight went up to about 180s as my depression began and I dieted to get it down to the 160s (normal range) around my first year of University. Except I wasn't happy. I thought constantly about how fat I was. Looking back at a picture from that weight loss and I look positively "normal". Not fat. Not fat at all. But all I could thing about was how fat and disgusting I was - or more accurately - how I wasn't skinny like all the other girls.
I'm going to LA to today and I'm sure those thoughts will crop up again - "why can't I be like them" - all those skinny girls. We spend so much trying to be like someone else, trying to be someone else, but it's all pointless because that will never result in happiness.
I was thinking about how I am happy to be where I am - more than 30 lbs lighter - the old me would have said "why can't I be like that." And this is mostly because I could have been a lot worse. I could have gone up to 250, 275, 300 lbs. I got up to 240, didn't I? So I am not going to take this journey for granted. I am glad I am losing weight and I am looking forward to working towards losing the rest to get to my goal but I am okay where I am. I am grateful that I am able to progress and grateful that I am able to work towards it at this time. And, in reference to the quote above, I appreciate the way my body looks right now. It is still obese, but it is smaller than it was before.
I am nervous about being around those superficial people that seem to bring out the worst in me: my insecurities, my low self-esteem, my inner critic who only criticizes me, the girl who looks outward for validation, who can't believe a boy is actually talking to her so she forgets to listen to what he's saying, the one who needs liquid courage to have fun and feel "okay." The problem is that I don't know how to be in these situations because I could be "myself" but I don't know what that means - or I do but I am afraid that others won't like "myself". I hate caring about what other people think and I would love to be able to march to the beat of my own drum but it is hard to break decades old habits, hard to change from what makes me feel comfortable. I just want to have fun and be myself whether anyone likes it or not - screw peer pressure or side-eyes or judgey bitches (male and female). It may be easier said than done, but I'm gonna try.
