The Struggle

After my lengthy vacation my weight has climbed back up to 205.7 but that was to be expected. In fact it's not as a bad as thought it would be. I am excited about the future and just trying to rein in my weight and start back on my exercise and healthy, clean eating regimen.

So far I am planning to do the following for self-improvement:

• Back to driving lessons - I am doing my road test in October and though I am a little nervous I am excited to become proficient in driving.
• I bought peels - to finally help improve my skin, I purchased a 20% peel and a 40% peel. I tried the 20% so far for 2 minutes and it worked well. I am going to try it again tomorrow for 4 minutes and see how well it works.
• I am looking forward to starting fresh on my diet and exercise plan and looking into some 30-day trials. I want to actually follow through with one of those for once.
• I want to start running again.
• School will start soon so I am gearing up for that and I am excited about all my classes.

I do have a lot of work to finish so I will be getting on that just as quickly as I finish procrastinating.

About the driving - I don't feel nervous. I kinda want to get in there and take it out for a drive and whatever happens happens. I just don't see what the big deal is anymore and I think that has a lot to do with my recent vacation. I had to do a lot of things that I never would have done. I just...don't care that much about the fear. No doubt I'll be nervous when I first get in the car but that's natural and everything else I have to let roll off my back. Last year I finally got an instructor - more progress than I have made all year, and now this year I have actually booked my test, which means I should have my license next year lol!

I guess it's all just one small or large step at a time. Last year going to the licensing place would have given me a panic attack and today it was like nothing. I am more afraid of myself than I am of anything outside myself.

Update: Documentaries, Smoothies and Healthy Poop

That's a gross title, but it is true.

Since around the beginning of the month I have tried my best to eat well. I have done this by educating myself. I watched a bunch of documentaries and I got a Vitamix blender recently. My intention was to learn about healthy eating and how it affects my body, and, conversely, about how unhealthy food is made and how it harms my body. While nothing I have learned has been groundbreaking, some of it has been surprising or just very informative so that I feel like the message has started to sink in more than it has before. Before, I would eat healthy just to lose weight. Now, I am doing that still, except I am also eating for health and to keep the old garbage out of my body.

I have also started working out really hard. I am pushing myself and really talking to myself while exercising so that I keep going. So far I have been able to run for 10 minutes straight which is absolutely crazy to me! I would never have thought it possible. But, I was underestimating my body. I have been mainly focusing on cardio but now I am incorporating weights as well so that I can tone my body and not just lose weight but build muscle to burn fat as well. As far as food goes I don't eat any processed carbohydrates before evening. This just helps me stay on target. It has been working for me so far. Then, in the evening, I eat brown rice, brown rice noodles, or multigrain rye bread.

I have a busy summer coming up so that is why I am trying so hard right now, so that I can take advantage of the time I have available now. I ma hoping my efforts will pay off. In terms of other non-pounds related benefits, well...

• I have more energy
• I drink green smoothies and put in all the nutrients that I feel I should have include flax, turmeric, vitamin d, protein powder etc.
• Because of this, I have stopped taking my iron supplements which used to give me stomach discomfort and made my poop black.
• Speaking of poop:

It is now green. Not radioactive green, or forest green, but it is like a dark army green-ish because of all the chlorophyll from the vegetables. Plus, I go more than once a day usually which is great because in the past I used to go like, maybe, twice a week. And, it doesn't smell bad.

I love my smoothies. They are convenient. I throw in whatever I have on hand. I don't follow a recipe but I always add spinach and/or kale and blueberries and flax. I particularly love adding avocados because the fat content in them and their texture makes the smoothies taste great and have a great satisfying texture, and they feel more filling. My Vitamix also allows me to make awesome dips, dressings and sauces which I have only tried one of but so far the results are great. Plus, it solves the daily conundrum of what to eat for breakfast/oh no I didn't eat breakfast.

This routine is good but I also want to make sure I indulge once in a while without guilt. I know it sounds crazy but to make sure that I don't go crazy, or that I don't binge because "I deserve it" I need to be able to manage eating foods that I would eat normally as a treat.

Skin update: purchased two dermarollers (0.25 and 1.0 mm), jojoba oil, glycolic acid cream, and bentonite clay. Will try them and keep track to progress.

Current weight: 208.7 lbs 

It's all too much

I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now. I have a ton of schoolwork to do, a lot of readings too. I have work - a job for which I'm currently training. I have my stupid, fucking driving to worry about. And on top of all that my weight is ballooning because I'm freaking out internally from everything. The stress of it all is too much at the moment. Things could change tomorrow, and things were different yesterday, but right now I feel terrible.

This is all compounded by the fact that I almost had a collision today at at four-way stop sign where I was turning left and the car in the lane perpendicular to me decided to go well after I was already in the middle of the road. It was ridiculous because it wasn't my fault but I also panicked a bit because my head was telling me to do one thing which was clear the intersection while my dad was yelling at me to brake which is crazy. I hate that. The same thing happened at another left signal. There was a bunch of oncoming traffic and I couldn't tell when to go. At those times I feel like it's all still a mystery to my - a driving code I will never understand. Hopefully I will be able to figure it all out. My dad wants me to do my test in the third week of October. After today's "practice", I'm getting nervous and my confidence from the lessons before is dissipating.

I'm just plain tired. I want to book an appointment with the doc at my clinic and get some anxiety medication, but also something that will allow me to drive as well. I don't feel normal and I need to feel normal again, and quickly, before I drown in all of the responsibility.

The work part is fun though, it's just managing the time schedule. I'll have to go to school 4 days a week now instead of three so it'll be an added stressor. Then next week I have three events on a Saturday, 2 of which are all schmoozey. No wonder people take up drinking as they get older.

It's all too much and I feel like crying. I feel like I'm letting everyone down.

Oh and I forgot to mention my grad school stuff which is like another job, practically. Well at least teaching people to write will help me compose an amazing letter (and this blog should not be taken as an example of my writing skills as it's usually written in a hurry and in unusually high or low emotional states - also I dgaf about writing perfectly on here).

Anyway, I'm trying more than ever "to do the right thing", but it seems clear that I can't half-ass it. Either everything is right or nothing is because the middle grounds ends up with me here, crying over my laptop.

My weight is 210.3.

I feel like I can't think straight. I also have my period right now and I swear a couple of days before it started I remember having a dream about having no ovaries. I wish I didn't. I don't want kids, I don't want these mood swings either.

I just can\t right now, with anything.

This was nightmare, though, this whole thing with the driving, weight loss, school and work and grad school and everything else. That it would all be too much, that I would build up too much and my system would overload and I would..become depressed? Implode? Shut down?

I don't know.

All I know is that I have a bunch of readings and work to do and little time to do it. And it'll probably only mount from here seeing as school has only just started. But I know escaping my problems won't help, only facing them will, no matter how much fear it makes me feel. It would be easier to face my fears though, if my mind didn't always feel so foggy and so drained, thus why I don't feel clear-headed when I drive - another symptom of anxiety, my heightened state of panic.

No wonder food is my panacea, whatever dopamine-related effects it provides, my brain has latched on to it as a source of those and thus my addiction to food.

I just want it all to stop for a minute so I can think. I'm not as smart as other people, I can't think as fast as the other drivers on the road, I would just like them, I would just like life to understand, to cut me fucking break. I don't deserve this misery.

Last Binge

The last binge is never the last. There is no doubt that I am addicted to food when I am in this zone, this binge zone. Let's run it down: (from http://www.helpguide.org/mental/drug_substance_abuse_addiction_signs_effects_treatment.htm)

• You’re neglecting your responsibilities at school, work, or home (e.g. flunking classes, skipping work, neglecting your children) because of your drug use. -I haven't started neglecting school for it yet, but certainly the time spent thinking about food and bingeing and then actually bingeing could be used to read or do something far more productive
• You’re using drugs under dangerous conditions or taking risks while high, such as driving while on drugs, using dirty needles, or having unprotected sex. -I feel extra fatigued on this way of living and I never feel quite in my head while driving - definitely carbfog
• Your drug use is getting you into legal trouble, such as arrests for disorderly conduct, driving under the influence, or stealing to support a drug habit.  - not yet!
• Your drug use is causing problems in your relationships, such as fights with your partner or family members, an unhappy boss, or the loss of old friends. -my mom is mad because she's noticing my weight gain, my dad is disappointed because he sees me eating bad food.

• You’ve built up a drug tolerance. You need to use more of the drug to experience the same effects you used to attain with smaller amounts. -Yes, I need to eat more and more each binge. It's never enough.
• You take drugs to avoid or relieve withdrawal symptoms. If you go too long without drugs, you experience symptoms such as nausea, restlessness, insomnia, depression, sweating, shaking, and anxiety. -Yes. When I tried eating low-carb or clean again I could not stop thinking about food and was anxious about food and then would succumb to the urge.
• You’ve lost control over your drug use. You often do drugs or use more than you planned, even though you told yourself you wouldn’t. You may want to stop using, but you feel powerless. -Yes.
• Your life revolves around drug use. You spend a lot of time using and thinking about drugs, figuring out how to get them, and recovering from the drug’s effects. -Yes.
• You’ve abandoned activities you used to enjoy, such as hobbies, sports, and socializing, because of your drug use. -Yes
• You continue to use drugs, despite knowing it’s hurting you. It’s causing major problems in your life—blackouts, infections, mood swings, depression, paranoia—but you use anyway. -Depression and moodswings, fatigue, yes, and still I keep eating while wanting to stop.

And from here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/barb-rogers/seven-signs-of-addiction_b_519194.html

I do all of the above for food: questioning, defensiveness, blaming, secrets and lies, time and effort, guilt and shame, and isolation.

God, it is so not worth it.

It's time to start working on my weight again. It's never too late, it's never over.  

Drove again, Binged again

So I drove again today, back from school. Felt better about it, still getting a hand of the control but I don't feel as nervous about it as I did before, which is good. I remember when I was so super nervous before my first lesson. I think my instructor is probably still disappointed in my progress but I think I'm getting better and that's all that matters.

Speaking of serendipity again, I'm watching Wreck-it Ralph right now and Ralph just asked Penelope about the fact that she can't drive.

Anyway, I've been feeling a little perturbed about the way that I am around people sometimes. I feel like I'm talking too much or perhaps being overbearing. I haven't gotten any comments in this vein, nor do I detect that body language but I just feel like I've been talking too much. I'm going to try and be a good listener in my classes and training. It's just that I'm an introvert but I can be very chatty if you get me going, it's weird. It's a willingness to please things, and a bit of an ego/show-off thing. Ideally, I would like to only say things that are valuable to myself or my classmates and not "waste words". Think about what I say and always ask myself is it right to do so now? I'm trying to make sure I'm not interrupting, ever.

I want to be calm, collected, kind and courteous and express myself more eloquently. To think my thoughts through.

Today, I had to do an exercise where a fellow TA looked over my paper to check it for flow and clarity. They were supposed to read it aloud and as they read it I was sort of speechless about my writing skills. I couldn't believe how coherent and educated they sounded coming from someone else. Because I criticize myself so much for this kind of stuff and am a perfectionist, I was kind of surprised about this and happy. But then again there is always that little voice that says but maybe everyone else (I don't even know who this is supposed to be) would feel the same.

 When I think about driving as a goal, I remember D, my mean-girl ex-friend. Every time I would see her she would comment on my license-lessness. Basically, I didn't even want to see her anymore because I would get the same question and it would always embarrass me. I know that she probably thinks that I am totally incompetent.  I know she thinks so. I also believe that since our last uncomfortable and cold meeting at her wedding, that she probably, when she does think about me, laughs to herself about my patheticness due to the driving fact. I know this because I know her well. I had a moment earlier where I thought I am so glad she is out of my life, though she is still on facebook and no doubt is curious about my life. Now that I am practicing I feel good and smile to myself that I am moving on.

I am trying to keep it all together and organized. I really cannot procrastinate this term, especially since I've gotten into the habit of completing all my readings. I also need to sleep enough and stop eating sugar so I stop feeling so tired and drowsy. And exercise so I can feel energized. Basically what I was doing before. It's hard for me though, especially when I'm adjusting to new stressors. One thing is sure though, I need to -stop bingeing. It'll make me gain weight so much faster than if I just stopped eating low carb, it'll fuck up my metabolism, it'll be much harder to gets started again, the longer I wait. And I will keep gaining weight if I don't stop. Not to mention, I am getting older so it will affect my health. Gotta stop bingeing.

Food is definitely my drug. It makes me feel better when I'm stressed. This is not just a correlation that I eat more when I'm stressed. I am getting sick of it though now. Interestingly, now that I am a little less stressed about driving. Just a little. But I can feel my stomach expanding, feel that it's constantly full. I've tried to restart but it's been futile. I just feel like I'm not ready though I know I shouldn't wait for the right feeling. Once I start working out I know I will eat right because I hate the thought of cancelling out my workout with bad food. I haven't weighed myself but I'm guessing it's somewhere around 215 lbs.

Exercise-wise, I would run but I also want to do Insanity, but just not everyday. It's very effective but it definitely has a burnout factor. I want it's effects but without the boringness of it. I'm going to do the videos I love best that are both challenging and effective but also fun, and just do those on alternate days - so I'm thinking running everyday and Plyo or something similar about 3 days a week. Plus I'm buying a weight set for toning and starting that soon once I actually start. I am so out of focus though, I can't think straight until I can think straight. Until I can get a handle on everything or at least most things.

Can't Just BE Me

I have serious problems just being me, just being myself. This driving thing has made me more aware of my self and my being than before. That's why I've been feeling so uncomfortable lately. I don't feel like myself - as I've written many times before here. I feel out of place everywhere. I feel like I'm trying too hard everywhere and everytime. Even around myself I don't feel a hundred percent. Am I depressed? Like actually clinically depressed again? I don't know. I also don't know whether this is just a funk or the side-effects of all the anxiety that driving is causing me.

I haven't been able to start working out yet. Or, to phrase it more honestly, I just don't want to yet. I don't feel up to it. I keep saying tomorrow, the familiar song. I'm just tired of everything. When I think about taking a vacation or getting away as a solution it also doesn't seem like the answer. I need to escape from myself for a little while.

I am okay most days, like I am okay at school and stuff. I feel a little odd, even as I participate in the social mores of daily life. But, I can't seem to stop criticizing myself or second-guessing every interaction, every body-language cue, every person who looks at me. Can I wish for a different brain? Or at least a different brain chemistry. Maybe I should get anti-anxiety drugs.

I don't know what to do, anymore. What is this life?

I am lying to my parents about how far along I am in my graduate career because they expect even more than I've given them. I live daily with the reality that I have failed at so many things, that I have been rejected so many times. I can't drive and I am majorly overweight - battling these demons every day, every week, every month, every year of my life. Will it ever get better? My problems may seem almost trivial to those with "real" issues, but to me they suck all the joy out of my life. My vitality is gone, my vigor is non-existent. Some days I have a zest for life but more often than not I feel like the only thing I ever want to do is lay on the couch. I feel bad for being a bad daughter, for stressing out my parents so much in their older years now. I don't want them to worry about me. I just want to make them happy, especially since my own sources of happiness are so hard to find.

I consistently look at myself in negative connotations. Even the most trivial gestures make me think that I've done something wrong. I can't talk to anyone about it, really. Well, I could, but I feel like I don't want to go there again. All the work I did, all the pain I experienced. Going back to counselling seems like a major step back.

I am lacking hope. Seriously.

I am thinking this is an effect of my diet also. The more garbage I feel - all the bingeing I've been doing - the worse I've been feeling. It is so hard to persevere at times like this.

I feel powerless, too. I feel like I am trudging through life with no real control over it. I think that is it. I attend classes - highly structured. My time is monopolized by readings and stress. My time is taken up by work also. I have to learn how to drive, I have little choice in the matter. My dad declares that I have to practice on this day and that like I'm a petulant child, waiting for me to resist. But I comply. I feel like I just comply. I have to graduate school and all the control rests with the various graduate committees. I have no control over my future, or very little anyway, which determines how much hope I have - very little. I don't feel like I am determining my path. While I have chosen it, other forces, other actors are laying the tracks. I am just drifting along making sure everyone is appeased, everyone is pleased. I don't feel authentic or honest, thus, I don't feel like myself. I have to start being more honest. I have to start somewhere to stop feeling like this.

Down

I heard my mom say, while she was cooking for me, that "[she] hasn't even lost any weight it's been a year". She was talking about me to me but as if behind my back, a taunt, an insult. Perhaps she thinks that hurting my feelings will motivate me to get off the couch right away and lose weight and all her dreams will come true, namely:
-I'm thin
-I'm beautiful
-Everyone loves me
-I become a medical doctor
-I get married to a doctor of my ethnicity and have children etc.

My dreams:
-I'm thin and fit
-I love me
-My parents are proud of me
-I get my PhD and a job as a professor
-I fall in love with someone (any ethnicity) and we live happily ever after - marriage optional, no kids.

We differ.

It hurts me, deeply, to know that my parents are so disappointed in me. They believe in the old ways of the country: shame your kids to make them better = parenting. My dad, too, is so rude and unsupportive sometimes. I know he's tired of me but I don't think that is an excuse to hurt me with barbs.

I try. I do, I try really fucking hard. I just wish I could get some recogniton for that. I don't want an award for trying. I don't want a pedestal. I don't even want them to be proud of me for trying but they could at least not be so cruel. It's like I'm not a person. It hollows me out everyday. If I don't leave soon I will be just a husk of a human. A skin suit that once had memories and dreams, wishes and a whole soul - not the thin wisp of smoke that props me up.

I've been thinking about death a lot lately, because I'm depressed. I've been thinking about my own mortality, about the futility of life. I've been on this hamster wheel of the same bullshit for so long, it's like I'll never change, never accomplish those same three goals. It is because of my thoughts of death that make me comfortable with driving some days, that make me feel ballsy - which is not the same as consistent confidence. I feel like it's not that nerve-wracking. It is in acknowledging my death that I can face the fear head-on, that I can become free of it. It returns though, time and time again. These moments of freedom are rare.

I was thinking earlier tonight about how cars and driving represent adulthood for me. They define a sort of "letting go", of "cutting the cord". It is also something I always picture others doing easily but not me. I have started to envision myself as a casual driver more and more recently as I learn to navigate the roads. The point where I will be confident is still a ways of. I get a little nervous thinking about the test and all that but that is so far off in the horizon now. Driving is such a sensitive issue for me and my parents. They know and I know how I have failed in life because of this crucial aspect of adulthood. I am not an adult. I ma still a kid in these ways. Interestingly, kids get their licenses easily at 16, and at 25 I'm still clutching to my dependency though I am wildly independent in my mind. I keep trying to find the missing piece of the puzzle, the key to lock that will unlock this mystery for me: what is it? Why are things so askew in my life. Why is my life askew?

It's probably a combination of childhood, parenting, insecurity from both, and my own neuroses from OCD and depression. My parents, it seems, have blanked out my depression from their memories. Because I am normal now. They think. They don't know or realize that I will always be broken, at least a little broken. I wish they'd lower their expectations of me so we could both find some peace. I wish they'd realize that I will always be a misfit toy.

At times like these I become more motivated to apply and do well and get into a school out of town. I just need to go now and leave this city and my stagnation behind. It will tough, though, if I get in here and out of town. I'll definitely move away, though. In the interim, I plan to work during my summer off full-time and give all that money to my parents or save it for moving away if I get in. I don't want to move away from my parents but I have to.

In terms of weight loss, I'm definitely gaining weight and I need to stop. I am starting tomorrow to work out and breaking in my new hrm. I have to drive tomorrow, read a bunch of articles and exercise for more than an hour. I think I'll read now to save myself some time tomorrow. School is a big priority for me now, I have to do well, I want to do well. I want to be extraordinary, an exceptional student.

This'll be a long one

I haven't written in a while because life got a little too overwhelming. I stopped doing and started thinking too much. I also started eating poorly, not as bad as pre-healthy eating, but not good either. I permitted myself to have chips, diet beverages, fast food a couple of times, dessert a couple of times. Obviously, I'm not proud but I haven't given up and slid back all the way yet. I am, as always, going to get back up.

There was also a time when I was at a coffee shop and bought half a dozen cookies. I was with a friend and I wanted one for her and myself and the half-dozen were cheap. I ate one, gave her two. I took two home, planning to eat them later while watching TV and blissing out. Except, when I got home, I ate one cookie and found it so sweet that I threw the second one out. Similarly, I would find myself wandering to the kitchen well past midnight and opening the fridge door, and opening the pantry door. Then, I would give myself a reality check - essentially, instead of shutting down the responsible me, I started listening to her and she would guide me. "Close the door, go downstairs, you are not hungry," she would say calmly. And it worked. BUt I don't listen to her voice all the time and that is a problem.

What else is a problem? Well, I still have a perfectionist attitude toward eating. If I eat poorly once I feel like the day is ruined. I still feel like there is no point in exercising because I'm not eating perfectly (and diet is 70 % blah, blah). I feel like crap because I am not losing weight and I feel bloated. I feel angry about school and life in general and because I don't express my anger I am starting to get depressed. I am starting to neglect myself because "what's the point?"

There are a lot of psychological reasons and faulty thought processes responsible. And, the wedding (crap with my "friend"), school (studying for exams, especially), extended contact with people I don't like (I'm an introvert), inability to accomplish important and necessary goals (driving), and some administrative issues at university have also contributed.

But, in terms of food and weight loss, I am just plain eating too much because I need the old comfort of food. And, as with anything else, the perfect combination of eating poorly at the wedding combined with not getting back to eating healthy right away plus being frustrated with life because of the aforementioned led me to eat. I just started eating even though I knew I shouldn't be. And it was all familiar again, those patterns reappeared.

I am still trying to eat healthy. As mentioned, I didn't fall off but I have been indulging and I am not trying to lose weight. I am just hoping to maintain right now and stay at or below 205.0. The other problem is that I seem to have reverted to my old habit of only alternating between "on" and "off" - meaning either I am actively trying to lose weight and doing well or I am falling off and eating poorly and reverting to my old habits. I need to be able to seamlessly transition from indulging to being right back to losing weight. Furthermore, I would really like to be able to exercise on days when I do not eat perfectly. My perfectionism gets in the way and throws me off. Right now, I am waiting to leave for LA again and return on August 4th and restart on August 5th. I have a couple of exams during this time but afterwards I hope to focus 1000% on me for the following 4 weeks (to life). I know this new lifestyle stuff and adopting new habits takes practice so I am being easy on myself and trying to learn from my mistakes. And I know I will get back on the horse again. I am only trying to curb my night eating because that is when I eat excessively.

Along with neglecting my diet, I have also stopped caring about grooming (not doing my hair, wearing glass when I normally wear contacts, wearing the same clothes, sleeping really late, doing my laundry late), basically giving up on life because it's getting too hard. I have always been like this. I am not a responsible grown up in that sense and I don't try to be. I do things on my own time, at my own speed because I enjoy the control and I can be super-lazy. But I can also be the opposite. The thing is, it just gets really hard sometimes. I googled "am I getting depressed again?" because that is how I felt:

lethargic, unenthused, low self-esteem, unhappy, tired, no energy, disappointed, frustrated, stressed etc. with the day-to day  of life but also with my life trajectory. The microstressors and the more serious stuff aggregates and I end up depressed and just over it. I am not actually depressed, just feeling really blue. I know what my depression looks like: darkness, a void and hopelessness. I am not there yet and I am trying to reel back to the light.

Right now I'm just hanging in there and trying to freak out and fall off the deep end and I am doing okay.

Recently, I have really started thinking about moving out which I can only do if I get into another school. I really want to move away. While it will incredibly difficult to leave my parents when they are getting older, I need to do this. I need to live my own life. I cannot be micromanaged at home anymore. That's when I start to feel suffocated. My grandparents have also come to stay with us forever and that means my extremely overbearing and intrusive grandmother is driving me up the wall. So, I am trying to keep sane in that sense too. My dad, especially, is way to annoyingly involved in my life. He works from home and I am home all the time so he doesn't hesitate from commenting on my personal business. It is actually inappropriate in the sense that he will comment on my room, my laundry (and how I'm not doing it), and even "have you showered"? Who does that? I am 25 years old. So it's obvious that I need to get out. I am applying to a few schools again and hoping to leave. I will say whatever I have to to them to get out. Even if I have to pretend like the program is amazing and the I'll have lots of opportunity and what not.

This is also why I need my license but that's on hold till I get back from LA. I need it more than ever right now and I will get it. Just like I will lose weight, I will hit my goal this year.

Phase 2

Ugh.

So I was having mad cravings about 3-4 days ago and I gave in. I ate unhealthy food shortly after returning from my trip and it sort of continued on. I tried to stabilize but I kept slipping. Today, too, I did well until supper time when I had some white rice. But, it could have been worse, I literally had an internal struggle trying not to open a giant bad of Doritos that my parents bought for some reason. I fought it down just as I was about to open the bag thinking "what am I doing?!" But I could have very, very easily started eating and decide to start again tomorrow.

My mindset, my mentality is all wrong right now. I can't think of eating unhealthily as diet vacations. I can't eat bad food on vacations and think it doesn't count. I can't fall into the Monday trap. I cannot let this happen again. And the scale know. It's keeping score even though I may not be. And my body is telling me I am hurting it.

The reason I had this backsliding incident was due to insane cravings from my period quickly following a diet vacation. Does an alcoholic have "sobriety vacations"? No, obviously not. I have to treat myself the same way.

For the next ten days I am not weighing myself. I'm going to eat carb/grain free, eat 1200 calories and I am also going to workout for at least 2 hours a day. Then I will weigh myself on July 31st to see the difference. My goal, and I am getting so tired of writing this, is to get under 200.

This is a really challenging time because normally this is exactly where I quit and gain all the weight back but I cannot do that this time or ever. I have to eat like this for the rest of my life. I think a big part of me has a lot of trouble accepting that unhealthy food is off limits, but it is. I think my backslide was also due to not seeing a huge difference on the scale and underestimating how much damage it could do to my body. It is very, very, very, very easy to gain weight and very difficult to lose it. I cannot let all this hard work go. I won't.

I am trying to think of weight loss as merely a side effect of healthy eating and exercise. And trying to bring fitness back into the picture but life has been getting so hard. It really is one step forward two steps back and that will lead me back to 240 lbs, sick and fat, and unhealthy and unhappy. Instead of trying to take it easy I need to go hardcore on my weight loss and fitness.

The other reason why this happened was because of the complacency. Clothes fit now so my mind thinks its okay, I can eat a little more. Absolutely not.

So I have a new challenge for myself:
For the next 2 months (August and September) I will:
-Eat 1200 clean calories/day (now white cabs, sugar etc. especially on vacation/during events)
-Exercise for 2 hrs/day with one rest day = 12 hrs/week

I am getting mad at my weight loss and all the extra fat I am still carrying around, mad that I have wasted so much time, mad that I can do this but I am just not doing it or anything else productive.

I am blasting through 200 to 195 to 160 to my ultimate goal of 128. I am sick and tired of this shit and I am angry. And I am ready. All I know is if I eat right and exercise as stated above, I will lose weight. I know it, I have seen it happen to myself and others. This is it, and during this time I will educate myself about food enough to come to terms with the change in my lifestyle and understand that I cannot, can never eat like my old self unless I want to look and feel like my old self.

So, I am calling this Phase 2. In Phase 1, I was successful in the beginning and very motivated. I ate right and the weight came off quickly. I started working out and gaining muscle and the weight loss slowed a little. I started eating too much and then tried to fix it. I started tracking my calories and began losing weight again by eating 1200 calories day without exercise. I went on two vacations and ate poorly and lost momentum and gained weight. And now, in trying to recover, I almost slipped back into my old ways. So, now, I am entering phase 2 where I take what I learned from Phase 1:

(-Eating 1200 clean calories/day works and helps me lose weight
-Exercise makes me feel good and I can do it
-Doing consistent exercise makes me better at it
-Doing strength-training exercises helps me gain muscle and shape my body)

and apply it in Phase 2, but with complete consistency not allowing anything: change of place, mood, circumstances etc. to deter me from the way I eat and workout. If I had done this I would have been close to my goal of 185 by the end of July but I didn't and now I am farther away. I can't keep doing this to myself. My goal for August is 185 and September is 170. I will do it.

Taking It Slow

I ate a fast food burger today. I was okay with it. It was my only meal of the day and that's not good either but I didn't feel like eating anything after and I had cravings at night but I decided not to eat.

I have thought more and more about my goals and while a part of me is very eager to lose all the weight very quickly but another part of me just wants to take it easy and still live. Now that stuff is starting back up - like school and family coming to stay, I am trying to take it easy on myself. I wasn't mad about eating poorly today, though it is not in line with my normal eating but I don't want to feel bad about it in maintenance either so it only make sense to just let it go and get back to eating healthy right away.

The other thing is, I have realized that when school starts for real I may not have to take too many courses so I will have a lot of free time. I don't have to think about running into a deadline in the form of a wall. I want to do this for me so I have to respect myself. I want to make fitness a priority. Running is a priority. My groin was hurting today and my hip hurt yesterday but that's a bit of an excuse. Just gotta back to it tomorrow.

I just need to get into a rhythm of working out in the morning before I do anything else. It's hard though but I have done it before and it did feel good. I think I need to go low carb this week to balance out all the crap I've been eating. Carbs and me = no bueno. So it'll be about 4 days of salads and proteins which is fine by me. I have some lentil soup and I'll make another soup later this week. But I want to continue with carbs next week because of the good results I had gotten before last weekend. Just trying to balance out.

The other reason I don't mind slow weight loss is because of loose skin. I don't want any and I know that if I starved myself and worked out like crazy I would have it. I still want to lose about 3 lbs, because I have so much to lose. I am still disappointed that I am not under 200 yet. But, I should have expected this to happen. It is a big obstacle for me. I have never lost 40 lbs before and I haven't been under 200 for about 4-5 years. But enough is enough. I will be under 200 lbs by Monday. That is the goal that I am working towards. I think I can do it.

To lose 5 lbs in 4 days (2 of which, at least, is water weight from the increased sodium), I will have to workout really hard but I want to do it. I want to get under 200 already. After all I have another 40 lbs to lose for my first goal. Most importantly, I am done with junk/processed food for the whole rest of the year. I just don't want to eat anymore fast food, diet pop, or any plastic bag products like chips or cookies.

It is time to kick this into high gear. I want to be down to 128 by December which means a lot of hard work but it is certainly doable if I workout consistently and exercise everyday. The only think in my way is my fear that even working hard will not get me results which is not true. If I do it right it will work, and if it doesn't I will figure it out and modify.

Priorities for Maintenance

I was reading a post regarding maintenance on another blog and I realized that in many ways I still think of the way that I eat as I diet and do think there is a point when I could reintroduce old foods or "eat normally".  But I need to clarify:

• I don't want to eat the garbage that I used to
• I don't crave it usually
• I don't want to eat more than 1200 calories/day (or more than what I should be eating)
• I definitely do not want to overeat
• I definitely do not want to binge

I don't feel deprived either but...I think in some ways I do in the sense that I miss the freedom of being able to eat anything. I know that completely goes against everything including my healthy lifestyle and eating philosophy but I am glad that it is not the food that I want but the sense of liberation, indulgence, reward and pleasure. I just have to find another source for it. And, of course, change is hard and breaking old habits is difficult but...I want to make sure that I NEVER backslide. I want to ensure that I can eat like this forever.

I introduce multigrain rye bread into my diet so I could eat 1200 calories, get fiber, and feel more "normal", also I just plain like it. I ate 4 slices yesterday at different meal time of course, but I'm limiting myself to 2/day.There are few foods, when I really think about it, that I would like to eat again. Actually, there are none because I do not want to risk gaining weight. So...where's the problem?

I suppose I have to think of it this way: I ate whatever I wanted for about 25 years. I ate crap and binged. And now for the last 4 months or so I have been eating healthier and healthier. 4 months vs. 25 years. Makes sense that I would have trouble thinking of it in "forever terms". The other thing is that I am living under special circumstances right now - at home, food always there, not much stress (not enough to stress eat), not much social interaction (so low social anxiety), I stay at home mostly which means I'm away from trigger environments etc. The real test (not challenge) will be when school commences because then I can really go at it in a "normal" environment. As well, I do know that this is still the weight loss stage meaning that eventually I will have to increase my calories a bit to accommodate muscle building and so forth. See, there is a bit of dissonance between what I envision my post weight-loss life to be and what I really think it'll actually be like. The old me thought that once I lost weight I would eat like normal - like my sister - she eats anything and everything and she's skinny (though, it is starting to affect her a bit). Me? I can look at a fry and gain weight. So I know I'll always have to be vigilant. That is why when I think of how I'll be eating day-to-day, I imagine being super, super healthy - eating nutritious food and working and training hard for races and goals etc.

I think I just have to train my brain to understand that this is how I'll eat forever. That it is not temporary - and I don't want it to be. It's just that I have thought one way for so long that it's hard to get out of the dieting concept. I remember during my earlier (foolish) weight loss attempts my dad used to say "just do it once, really hard and get it over with and be done with it". That was and is my parents idea of weight-loss. I know better. I know that there is no going back or being "done with it". I know that I have to eat healthy forever and that thought makes me happy. Eat healthy forever. I also know that I am an addict and I have to remind myself of that constantly. I cannot have just one fry. I am and always will be an addict. This past weekend I definitely let myself go but I didn't really binge. I got uncomfortable full at a couple of buffets but I also stopped before others at my table. I just wanted to taste everything - not eat like there's no tomorrow like I used to. To my chagrin, K, who is the formally morbidly obese friend who has lost about 75 lbs, ate a lot more. Like straight up binge behavior. It was her vacation from her normal eating and I have to admit I sort of followed her lead. I should have stuck to my guns and eaten healthy. I tend to be a follower, though, when there are authoritative or intimidating figures around and that's what she is. I will see her again this weekend so I have decided to stick to my guns and eat 1200 calories and not white rice, white breads or anything even is she and everyone else is eating them. This is about me and not about pleasing you. 

Anyway, I am thinking more and more about putting precautions in place to ensure that I continue on my way. Insanity is getting harder and harder though it's the same workouts I did before the vacation (I wish I hadn't gone). I have decided that in September, if I have my drivers licence (please God!), then I will sign up for a membership at the gym by my house and get a trainer. I need to start weight-training and I have no idea where to even start. By then I hope to be about 175 lbs and in better shape for a trainer to kick my butt (omg, that will be 65 lbs down!). I just want to keep chugging along and hope that Insanity will work its magic and tone my body even more.

Learning Lessons

I was calculating the numbers and from June 3rd (the day I started Insanity) to June 24 (before I stopped due to vacation) I lost about 4.3 lbs, meaning that working just as hard and eating the same way I would lose  about 4 lbs every month which would mean another 20 lbs by the end of the year!

That is not okay. Not because the number is too low, but because I am quite overweight and would like to lose at least 2 lbs/week which is reportedly safe, any more is a bonus.

2 lbs/week = ~8lbs/month = 40 lbs by the end of the year.

Better but still too slow. The problem is that I am not sure if I am wrong in thinking I should be losing more or if I really should be losing more. I do know that 4 lbs is wayyy too low and slow for me in comparison to the work I'm doing which means something is wrong. I discussed before that I wasn't eating enough and now I'm eating about 1200 calories/day which should help. I want to start moving lower more quickly.

The other reason could be that I am not doing enough cardio. I need to burn 7000 calories/week to lose 2 an additional lbs. which is about 1000 calories burned through exercise/day which is...definitely doable. I don't want to overwork myself and start to hate exercise. I really like the results Insanity gave me in terms of inch loss and toning so I want to hit the Month 2 workout and do them as best I can but in addition to that I will do Couch 2 5K and the Hip-Hop Abs workout.

The only thing is, I don't know how many calories I will be burning accurately so I need to pick up a calorie counter.

I did my day 2 of Week 4 of Insanity today and it was difficult. I sweated a lot and really tried to push myself but I felt considerable weaker. I think I should be back to where I was pre-vacation by the end of the week but it's a bit disheartening and very eye-opening to realize how quickly you body can backslide if you don't continue to train. And, I'm definitely getting tired of the Month 1 videos but thankfully at the right time since this is the last time I'll be doing them for a while.

Anyway, part of my patience problem is watching shows like the Biggest Loser and Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition, because it makes you think that you, too, should be losing 20 lbs/week or at least like 7-10 lbs. You see these huge losses and don't realize that the contestants are eating less than a 1000 calories and are working out 6 hours a day and then getting skin surgery to get all sown up and tight because they lost it too fast - though, of course, if you have a lot of weight to lose you'll probably need a body lift. Hell, even I've thought about skin surgery or a tummy tuck once I lose it all - I have no idea how that'll all look. I'm most worried about my arms because I already have batwing arms/lunchlady arms pre-weightloss. I wonder what they'll look like after. I really hope to go into high gear - weight training-wise - once I hit 180-185. I definitely have a lot of fat to lose.

But really, I would looooove to lose 10 lbs a month. That would be awesome, but even 5 is good. I'm just happy to be losing. Thinking about it, getting down 20 lbs would be almost a 55 lb loss. That's crazy.

As I've said before, I would love to and am working to get down to 185 lbs. At this point that is only 20 lbs away. Doesn't seem like a whole lot, after all:

"Many drops make a bucket, many buckets make a pond, many ponds make a lake, and many lakes make an ocean."

Thinking that I have 45 lbs to lose seems like a lot, hell, 77.5 lbs seems even worse (!!!), but if I just think of it as 1 lb at a time, one drop at a time, things don't seem so bad. I just have to get down to 204.0 lbs. And, if I keep eating 1200 calories/day then the weight will come off regardless. Patience, Patience, Patience.

“You fill a bucket drop by drop. You clear your mind thought by thought. You heal yourself moment by moment. Today I make one drop, clear one thought, and get present to one moment. And then I do it again.” 

Reality

I was looking at an old picture of my face just now and it can only be described as fat (and maybe downtrodden). I then took another picture immediately for comparison and noticed a difference. My face is thinner and less round. I have a long face but you can't tell with all the padding. It really showed me, though, that I have a fat person's face, that I am fat still and I have a long way to go. It also reminded me of the fact that I have no idea what my "skinny face" would look like. I have no clue. I have always been this way, I have always been the little girl with the chubby cheeks and the soft body. There is a deep connection between my perception of what I "should" look like and what I actually look like and a superficial disconnect with what I "wish" to look like. A part of my brain thinks, "well this is okay, I'm smaller, my clothes fit better = done". The rational part whispers "ummm no, not all". I need the rational part to be louder, to hear that all the time so I can get off my ass and get moving. It is only when I see myself in pictures that I realize how far I have to go and it will NOT be easy, but then nothing worth doing ever is. In fact, it could and should be fun.

My pants are so loose that it makes me feel skinny but that is not the reality. In reality I am still 205.5 lbs, still obese. In reality I am still very unfit. In reality I am still not happy with the way I look, though I have moments but in those moments I am settling for a lesser version of myself. So, I have no choice but to stop wearing my loose clothes and start to go down in sizes. I have to leave the comfort of baggy shirts and loose skinny jeans and embrace the tightness and reality of my smaller clothes. It won't be easy because I am so used to wearing these loose-fitting clothes and being comfortable but I've been "comfortable" for far too long already.

My diet has stabilized and I am tracking everything again. Because I am eating regularly I really don't feel like indulging or "cheating", though I was craving Chinese food today, and cheese fries. But that is nothing that can't be fixed with patience and substitution or just eating anything healthy at all.

I need to get back to drinking lots of water. It was starting to become a habit but the travel interruption caused me to stop drinking lots. I have to help it become an everyday thing. Along with exercising.

I am going to finish out Insanity and start Chalean Extreme next month. I need to buy weights for that so I'm going to hold off for a bit and then get 'em later this month. I feel like I need to be more in shape and lose more fat before really getting into it. That's not to say that I won't be doing any toning stuff but I feel like my body will be better served if I can at least complete the exercises with proper form.

I am feeling better overall, getting over the crazy vacation and all the guilt and regret that came with it and moving forward. I'm still having some trouble with anxiety but I am trying my best to be positive. I have to drive tomorrow and I'm nervous but I really want to be good. My priority will be to focus and think while driving to engage my brain instead of shutting down. I can do this.

Looking in the Mirror

I was looking in the mirror today and thinking about the next 40 lbs. Over the weekend as well, I kept thinking about how I have no idea how I will look 40 lbs lighter, in this mindset. I cannot even imagine it. I cannot imagine looking lighter than I do now and this is a problem.

I have gained and lost the same 30 lbs for so long that 205-ish is the lowest I have been in the past 3-4 years. This is a huge obstacle for me. I think it has a lot to do with the idea of normalcy and looking more and more like a normal, functioning member of society - a normal woman. I look in the mirror and I see my "normal". Which is also a huge problem. I have a very large archive of before and after pictures that I use for motivation and I need to look at them to recognize and realize that change beyond this point is not only possible, but necessary for me. I am still very much obese. I think I have become complacent with the weight for so long that I cannot fathom any other reality.

I need to start visualizing myself at a lower weight but I have a hard time accepting that. I need to, though, if there is to be progress. I need to accept that I deserve to lose the rest of the weight, that I deserve to continue and become who I am supposed to be.

The complacency ma also be due to the lack of progress pictures. I haven't taken some in a while and I will today as a starting point. The goal is to be under 200 by the upcoming wedding. That is a 7-8 lbs loss (2-3 of which is water weight). This will require me to work very hard over the next week. I want to burn like 1000+ calories/day just to see if I can do it but I don't have a calorie counter even though I wanted to buy one so I can't track it accurately. Today I only plan to restart Insanity. Tomorrow I will wake up earlier and run/walk.

Part of the reason why I haven't been working as hard as I could be is because I am scared. I have a deeply ingrained fear of success (which is really a fear of the unexpected, of not knowing what is around the corner - or beyond the lost weight). I need to keep in mind that it is just weight loss, just a pound at a time and I have worked too hard to to stop or slide backwards into my old miserable life.

I am certainly tired from my trips and many stressors that are causing me some (lots of) anxiety so I feel a little hesitant about restarting the exercise and having so many things on my plate but...that's a grown-up life. And they are all things that I want to or need to do.

The biggest stressor in my life right now is the driving lessons. I haven't gone for a while and I need A LOT of practice. But I do know that once I get the hang of it I'll really get it. It is just incredibly nerve-wracking for someone who has been kind of terrified of it for a long, long time.

But I am ready to refocus my energy and create a routine and get in the swing of things, take any bumps in the road in stride and continue on my path to accomplishing my goals. I will be adding a new one to my list as well - Running a Full Marathon next summer. In the meantime I would love to run and improve my times. I have to start tomorrow, though. No more waffling. I have to basically make my life: working out, driving, and school. That's it. I have to fully dedicate myself to those three parts of my life by doing a little bit everyday. Because before I know it summer will be over and I will be back in school making the same goals and resolutions I always do. No more.

• Goal for this month: 185 lbs
• Running everyday this month - become a Runner by the end of the month
• Staying within 1200 calories everyday this month (barring any exceptional circumstances)
• Being proficient in driving by the end of the month
• Finish my course requirements to the best of my ability
• Being myself - being consistently honest myself and being okay with myself

For me, the consistency is key. I have to continue my good behaviors everyday and gain strength and energy from that.

Consideration

Melissa McCarthy recently said this in an interview about weight and body-image:

"I've been every size in the world. Parts of my twenties, I was in great shape, but I didn't appreciate it. If I was a 6 or an 8, I thought, why aren't I a 2 or a 4? I bought into it — I should be taller, thinner, have better hair. But I think that's part of being young. Now, especially with kids, you lose any sense of time or energy to worry about all the little stuff."

This made me think a lot. I've talked before about my adolescent body-image issues - how I became preoccupied with my weight and considered it abnormal to be 130 lbs at 12 years old because I was very slightly chubbier (not even) than the stick-skinny girls in my class. I wanted to be that skinny. Then, when I was in junior high I weighted maybe 140-150 at 14-15 years old and I wanted more than anything to be able show my mid-riff in shirts and wear tiny shorts like the skinny girls in my class. When I hit high school my preoccupation with my weight turned into a straight up obsession. The skinny girls were wearing even shorter clothes and I couldn't. I stopped wearing tanktops. My weight went up to about 180s as my depression began and I dieted to get it down to the 160s (normal range) around my first year of University. Except I wasn't happy. I thought constantly about how fat I was. Looking back at a picture from that weight loss and I look positively "normal". Not fat. Not fat at all. But all I could thing about was how fat and disgusting I was - or more accurately - how I wasn't skinny like all the other girls.

I'm going to LA to today and I'm sure those thoughts will crop up again - "why can't I be like them" - all those skinny girls. We spend so much trying to be like someone else, trying to be someone else, but it's all pointless because that will never result in happiness.

I was thinking about how I am happy to be where I am - more than 30 lbs lighter - the old me would have said "why can't I be like that." And this is mostly because I could have been a lot worse. I could have gone up to 250, 275, 300 lbs. I got up to 240, didn't I? So I am not going to take this journey for granted. I am glad I am losing weight and I am looking forward to working towards losing the rest to get to my goal but I am okay where I am. I am grateful that I am able to progress and grateful that I am able to work towards it at this time. And, in reference to the quote above, I appreciate the way my body looks right now. It is still obese, but it is smaller than it was before.

I am nervous about being around those superficial people that seem to bring out the worst in me: my insecurities, my low self-esteem, my inner critic who only criticizes me, the girl who looks outward for validation, who can't believe a boy is actually talking to her so she forgets to listen to what he's saying, the one who needs liquid courage to have fun and feel "okay." The problem is that I don't know how to be in these situations because I could be "myself" but I don't know what that means - or I do but I am afraid that others won't like "myself". I hate caring about what other people think and I would love to be able to march to the beat of my own drum but it is hard to break decades old habits, hard to change from what makes me feel comfortable. I just want to have fun and be myself whether anyone likes it or not - screw peer pressure or side-eyes or judgey bitches (male and female). It may be easier said than done, but I'm gonna try.

Down, But Not Out

So I weighed myself today, and...

207.0 lbs

After 3 weeks of Insanity and clean-ish eating. I have to admit I was disappointed. I was hoping for around 205. I knew I wasn't down to 200. But, I was hoping for more. I combed articles regarding weight loss post-Insanity and found quite a few responses that helped me pinpoint where I may have gone wrong, or if I went wrong at all. A lot of people don't seem to lose weight on Insanity until the last couple of weeks so I should be glad I did. Don't get me wrong, 4.3 lbs is good, it's a loss, but I expected more because I think I could have accomplished that with diet alone. So, it is time to reassess and reevaluate, what were the reasons for the lower number:

1. My muscles are still adapting to the exertion - they may be retaining fluid - I'm not sure that this should have affected fat loss and there is not much I can do about this except be happy that my muscles are developing
2. Not enough calories - I should be eating 1200. I am not. Most people versed in fitness and training would say that here is my problem and I agree. I also wasn't tracking my calories because I find it to be a hassle. So, from now on and especially from July 1st onwards I will track my calories on Myfitnesspal, eat 1200 calories/day in 5-6 small meals per day.
3. Not enough cardio - I am not the ideal participant (the obesity and all) for Insanity so perhaps I'm not getting the ideal results. I need fat loss right now, so I will walk/run 1 hr. on the treadmill and continue my Insanity workouts for toning and muscle-building.
4. Not enough water - I am drinking more water now than I did before (almost none), but now I need to really up the water intake to avoid fluid retention and bloating.
5. Clean eating - while I've been eating low carb, except for occasional carbs to up my energy, I am going to switch to clean eating and avoid all processed, white carbohydrates as usual and permit oats and whole-grains where possible. Again, though, I'll be focusing on getting 1200 calories as stated in point # 2 and they add up fast.

Based on this, I am ready to go full-force next month. This week I will be travelling so I will restart Insanity on Monday but I will do other videos tomorrow, like Hip-hop abs. I've also heard really good things about Chalean Extreme, so I think I will actually try that next after I finish Insanity, then I'll consider Insanity again.

The month's not over though and I plan to get down as close to Onederland as possible by the end of the week by incorporating the above plan. I ate very high-carb today because I was a little upset but, in reality, I probably finally ate how much I should be eating anyway. I have been eating woefully little but my ED brain believes in extremes - very low calorie or bingeing, it knows little of balance. But, I know that is the essential piece of the puzzle. 4.3 lbs is about 1.43 lbs per week which...is not good enough for me. I am proud of the loss, proud that I'm moving forward but because I weigh so much at the moment, I should be losing more in proportion to how much I have been working. Of course the diet is a problem and I need to start working with my body rather than against it. And, I am 7 lbs away from a major milestone. I know I can't lose all 7 lbs in a week but if my body is retaining water (my period just ended), then maybe I could see a greater loss.

All in all, I am moving in the right direction: Forward. I refuse to backslide, I will not give up. My goal for next month is 187.5 lbs. I know I can get there. And, importantly, I know my body is changing. It isn't the overnight transformation that my ED brain expected and that is fine. I know if I keep going in this direction I will eventually get to my first major goal of 165 lbs. and that's only 42 lbs away! It doesn't seem as daunting as before now that I've lost 33 lbs! That is the important thing. Today, after the weigh-in, I was thinking about how I just want to keep working toward a 1 lbs weight loss. I know it sounds weird after all I've just said. But I want to think about it differently. Just working to get off one pound, one drop in the bucket to keep filling it up, rather than being preoccupied with the ocean (it's really now more of a lake!). I'm not too worried about LA either. It'll be sunny, and the heat, dancing and activity will help me stay in check. Last time I went, I barely ate and when I did it was junk food. This time I plan to be more careful but I also plan on enjoying myself in moderation. As well, I didn't gain weight from my last vacation which tells me that I really wasn't eating much. Something about travelling just makes me lose my appetite.

Also, I haven't yet decided how often I will weigh myself. While I had said every 2 weeks initially, I think that's too long. I think everyday weighing is dangerous but it may help me track .X changes and I will only "keep" the amount I weigh at week's end. I think that system might work if it doesn't fuck with my head too much. I will start back on Monday and forego the scale this week. 

Anyway, another weight milestone to cross off my list: 30 lbs down! My reward is an Itunes purchase (which is funny because I spent all day on Itunes yesterday forgetting that it was one of the rewards - don't know what I'll buy yet). So, happy with my result but prepared and ready to bear down for the challenge ahead. Here's to the next 10:

3 Weeks of Insanity

Finished my third week of Insanity today and I weigh myself tomorrow to find out how well the program has worked so far. But, before I get the numbers or the "real proof", I wanted to outline all the changes that have come about that are non-scale related:

• Fitness/Strength/Ability - obviously, has increased over this time. I take fewer breaks, I power through, I sweat and sweat.
• Confidence - the power of doing something is that it gives you the confidence to do other things by thinking about your previous achievements. This is true for each Insanity session and also relates to other areas in life where I am trying to accomplish goals.
• Perseverance - while I have much, much greater compliance in this program than any other exercise regimen before, there are still days where I think "uhhhh, too tired, too lazy, too blah," but having done it continuously and not wanting to break the streak or go off-schedule and recalling the ease with which I can complete a session motivates me to keep at it even when I might not always want to.
• Inches lost - I have gotten smaller - I know this because today I spent the whole day trying on clothes for LA that I wore a month before for my trip to Las Vegas and they all fit much, much better.
• Exercise works - seeing that exercise works to help you lose weight is common sense but hard to believe when you are slogging through until you see it in action. When you can tell that change is happening then you know that, hey, this really does work.
• Takes the pressure off the diet - I NEED carbohydrates. I need them for energy, so I can workout. I need to eat. Also, focusing on exercising takes my mind off my diet AND working out so hard makes me want to stay on plan so I don't sabotage my hard work.
• Flexibility - the stretches in the program are helping me become more flexible and stretch further. Flexibility and balance are both super important fitness goals of mine.
• Routine - when you have a routine, when you're in the flow, you feel like you are doing something meaningful and it comes easily. It structures your day and can become something you look forward to.
• Active lifestyle - I haven't only been working out with Insanity but also around the house and yard (lots of sweaty work there!) and it has made me a more active person in general. I'm still pretty lazy because it's summer and all, but it's a huge improvement from my couch potato days.

That's a lot of reasons to keep going and I'm sure there are more that I can't think of at the moment, but this is a good reminder to keep on. I will run on the treadmill on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and resume Insanity from the Monday following, that way the schedule will stay intact. I'm sure the week-long break will have a detrimental effect on my progress in terms of fitness level, but I'm hoping I'll be able to get into it quickly. Also, this way I will have to start again on that Monday and not put it off to keep with the schedule.

In my diet, today I had two small slices of pizza. We ordered a new kind in celebration of my mom's promotion and it was for the occasion. I enjoyed it but also found it quite greasy. The box with about 5-6 slices remaining is sitting in the fridge, about 5 meters from me as I write this but it has no pull on me. It's just not worth it. I also enjoyed a can of diet coke with it as I hadn't had any in about 2 weeks or more which for me, a former addict, is quite an achievement. I hope the pizza doesn't affect the scale, though, I'm quite sure I am below my calories for day which is also not great but I prefer to be under than over. I need to start eating smaller meals more regularly but it is proving a hard habit to develop. Anyway, I am excited for what the scale will bring tomorrow but regardless I refuse to let it steer me away from my progress and my goals. Whatever the number says, I have accomplished more in these three weeks than the three months previous even though they resulted in 28 lbs of weight loss. That is the most important lesson, I think.

Getting Smaller, Feeling Better

My mom was looking at me today intently. I asked her multiple times why she was staring at me and she said, basically, "there is a huge difference," and then, "I pray to God that He continues to help you keep it up." It made me really happy. Though I am not religious, like at all, I was happy that my mom was finally able to see a change. What my parents think matters a lot to me and sometimes their snarky comments about my weight matter too much. Just a couple of days ago my dad said, "you should be losing lots." I told him about the concept of losing it the safe and healthy way which should result in a 1-2 lbs loss/week. He was really surprised. Now, maybe, it's clear where I get my impatience (in weight loss) from. But I am feeling much more patient now. That feeling that I am crazy for thinking there is a difference between now and when I starting exercising is not just in my head. Things are changing. I am getting smaller and feeling big and bold.

School starts next week and I am nervous about managing all this on my plate. The driving is shaky, while the weight loss is going good and becoming more and more a part of my lifestyle everyday, I am all too aware of how little it takes to fall off the wagon. I don't feel like I am just keeping it together but I am also not managing everything super-well. I must get organized and start doing.

I am proud of myself for today, too. While the driving lesson didn't go as I had planned I am learning to face my fears, slowly. I also worked out for 20 mins. at 3 mph on the treadmill before my Insanity workout (though my right hip started to hurt). I also ate okay, though I didn't eat breakfast because I was too nervous before my lesson. I didn't eat for hours afterwards dinnertime and then had another small meal after my workout.

I tried on the dress yesterday that I will be wearing in LA, which hugs my curved but will also require spanx. I put it on yesterday and I think my muffin top has gone down a bit. I think my stomach needs to be a little flatter so I don't feel the need to suck in. I wonder if I can continue to shrink in girth for another week. In any case I am excited in even attempting to wear dresses (before last year I hadn't worn a dress for about 7 (?) years). Again, facing some fears. Considering that was the "theme" of this summer's goals, I am proud for trying, proud of the process.

Getting Better at Gym Class

I sweated so much today, and it felt so good. The past couple of days I haven't been super-motivated at the start of the Insanity workout but by the middle I am into it. I'm trying exercises I would not have dared to attempt on the first day, taking fewer breaks, and doing more reps faster.

I'm getting better and I am happy that things are moving in an upward direction.

Funnily enough, I was thinking about the fact that Insanity is my junior high gym class x 100. Our gym class or Phys. Ed. included playing team sports and all but a lot of it was also focused on fitness exercises. Every couple of weeks we had to undergo fitness tests where we would have to do push-ups and sit-ups and dips and some exercises similar to Insanity. At that time, I used to find any excuse I could to stay our of gym class. I used to forge letters from my parents, get real medical letters from doctors (I did injure my ankle frequently), and just generally hated the idea of competitive fitness. If, at that time, you had told me that I would be giving my all to something in the same family of exercises and going much, much harder than I ever have, I would have called you crazy. I was unfit, but not really fat, just slightly overweight. I was weak and just uninterested in fitness and exercise. I played volleyball and I was okay at it but I hated being on the 2nd string team (all the athletic girls were on the 1st or elite team and the rest - 35 or so of us were the 2nd string squad). It was fun but I just did it for the social factor (all the cool girls at school played volleyball).

Now, I want to be stronger, I want to run and I want to be fit. I don't like not being able to do certain exercises because of my weight and being unable to keep up. I am bloated right now and I hate being sluggish during the workout but I still give as much of myself as possible.

Food-wise, I think I'm doing okay. I cut down carbs but I allow some a day because I feel like I have no energy to workout without them. If the scale has not moved enough by Sunday, when I weigh myself after 3 weeks, I will remove carbs (apart from veggies and some fruit) from my diet and really buckle down for the next phase of Insanity. I want good results and I would hate for them to be sabotaged by an uneven diet, but overall I think I'm doing okay. As before, sometimes I feel smaller, sometimes I feel huge - just as huge as I did 28 lbs ago.

I'm feeling a little nervous right now because I have another driving lesson tomorrow. I know the instructor was a little disappointed in me because I was taking so long to pick things up. I have the right attitude I just wish my effort translates to results. Though I planned to practice everyday, but I couldn't do so today, my dad was tired and I empathized. I will practice with him tomorrow before my lesson so that I am less nervous of going out on the main roads.

In any case, I want to take this time to acknowledge that I am moving in the right direction in accomplishing my goals on The List. Though, it really is about the journey and rather than attempting to just cross stuff off. I want to work hard and have the effort pay off while still being kind to myself.

Demoralized in Weight-Loss, Too

Today, I asked my mom how she was doing on her diet. While she is eating healthier, I don't know if she is still eating carbs in between. If she was eating super-low cab she should have been losing more? I don't want to be judgmental (like my parents have been with my weight-loss before, they are not this way anymore). She said that she has lost about 2 lbs. She doesn't like that and she's frustrated, too. I get a lot of my weight preoccupations, anxieties, beliefs from her so I know that she feels demoralized too, or will start to if she doesn't lose more. Anyway, then she asked me "what about you?"

"It seems like yours has stalled, too"

I didn't know what to say except that "no, it's not. I haven't weighed myself for two weeks so I don't know but I feel like I have." I began to panic and asked her "what makes you think so?" She said that it's because she hasn't noticed any difference. I felt like crying. Not because of what she said, but what it meant for me - that all my work for the past two weeks hasn't had any visible results but more importantly, that my fears that I talked about yesterday and the day before, maybe true. Is it true, have I really lost nothing? While I am very proud of all my consistent work with Insanity, I would definitely be disappointed if I lost nothing. I am actually getting tired of not weighing myself. I ate carbs today, though healthy ones, but I wonder if that's affecting my weight. I think next time, I will just not weigh myself for two weeks as opposed to three. That way I have enough time to modify my routines and workouts.

I want to work as hard as healthily possibly as I now have another wedding to go to in August. Doesn't really matter though, the number won't change how I feel about myself. And, currently, I am clearly confused as to what I look like and can't assess the changes in my body, if there are any. Don't know if I'm being hard on myself or just being realistic. That's the sucky thing about body-image issues and dysmorphia that isn't often talked about - the confusion. I need to feel good about the positive changes again. I will take another picture tomorrow and hopefully there will be an observable change. Regardless, I weigh myself this Sunday, so that is my incentive to work extra hard this week. I couldn't do cardio today along with Insanity because I did yard work again today and was just too tired. I will do it tomorrow morning though, for sure.