I have said those things on this blog as well.
It's nice to think that those things won't happen and it's easy to forget how quickl and easily all the weight can creep up. How food can become a drug. How you can go back to "starting again on Monday, for real this time."
But I know all too well that it would be so easy for me to regain, and, most importantly, to eat like the old days again. Recently I've been thinking about food I'll eat in LA. I am not worried about gaining, as I stated before, because I'll be quite active. But I thought about how I was thinking about the food. I thought of it like a drug, like a secret treasure, like the way I used to think about the bad/unhealthy foods. And that worried me. I still want to enjoy food. I want to be able to go out and eat like a normal person once I reach goal but I'm not a normal person. I'm a food addict. This is my life now. I have to be accountable every day. Even if I "cheat" (a word not normally in my vocabulary), I want to get right back in the swing of things. I want to never forget where I came from and what I went through - just the sheer agony of yo-yoing, making constant resolutions, not being able to wear my favorite clothes, not wanting to dress up or go out, not caring, just eating, eating, eating. I have to always remember that I'm an addict and remember my selfish hunger that takes over when I permit myself to eat even a little bit of unhealthy food. I have to remember how hard it is to start again. It is NOT EASY to start eating healthier and training when you've been a couch potato and eaten like one for days/weeks/months/years. I don't want to get complacent. And I have to get down to my goal of 128. I know I have just been trying to get to 160 so far as that is the healthy range but that is not enough for me. I will not sell my self short and settle. I will not allow myself to get comfortable.
The reason I'm thinking about this today is because I am craving all those unhealthy foods from before. I think it's just a temporary thing but it worries me. I feel like I don't have enough will, enough self-control to make sure I don't cave in. I have to make sure that I get right back on the bandwagon and the best way for me to ensure this is:
- to make sure I don't overeat in LA. So I don't have any regrets or any excess weight.
- Ensure that I track my calories during this time on My Fitness Pal no matter how high they are
- Start Insanity Week 4 as soon as I get back
- Take a progress/accountability photo as soon as I get back
- Focus on getting down to 199
- Keep in mind my goal for July - 185 lbs or less
- Eat 1200 calories and keep myself full and satisfied
- Stay away from unhealthy foods and not think about them
- Replace the "high" of eating with something else. This will be tricky
- To focus on my priorities - getting my license, finishing my courses and doing well in them, reading, writing and research
I travel a couple of more times but both times I have external motivations and limitations to make sure I don't eat unhealthy food.
It can be hard to adjust to a new way of eating when you've been eating one way for 25 years. In the beginning everything is great because you lose weight and feel great so you keep going. But then thoughts creep up, your moods change, emotions get high and you want the comfort of food and the routine of stress eating. You want to eat all the bad foods that got you to your lowest and at this time they are divorced from their consequences. All you can see, smell, hear and taste is the goodness and innocence of the food. You don't see the regret, shame and work you'll have to do or how far it'll set you back. You forget about calories and carbs and glycemic index and mood and all that - after all it's harmless, isn't it.
If you replace all of the above with cocaine, heroin or booze, the answers easy - it's not. Anyone can predict that this will lead to a relapse, that there is not moderation for a hardcore alcoholic. In the same vein, there is no moderation for the hardcore food addict - which was me. But the nature of my addiction means that I cannot avoid y drug of choice - I need it to live. So, I plan. I have to remain vigilant always, to account for everything I eat, to always keep one eye of the calorie count. I have to make sure that I eat to live. The way that I have been thinking about food today is the opposite: the living to eat way. I am looking forward to eating unhealthily, I feel like I have "won" a prize, I associate bad food with joy, delight and reward. But I cannot do that. I have to remember that it is just a moment on the lips. That I am dealing with feelings not tangibles. And, the feeling is so fleeting that you have to eat more to sustain it. It is just not worth it.
Motivation:
