In my culture, people openly comment on your weight and size. After living in Canada for most of my life, it came as a real shock to me when I went back to my home country for a visit last year. This is a short list of the number of times my obese body was commented upon by others:
- In clothing shops, vendors would openly tell me that they can't fit me. This happened in almost every shop (and I went to about 50 of them). Some would laughingly say so, as if to point out how obviously misshapen my body was, and they were almost always men. They were actually usually nice, but it became obvious overtime that I didn't belong there.
- I was staying with a distant aunt and her husband, my uncle, was watching a Youtube video of a very fat little boy dancing to some song. The talk shifted to marriage for some reason and he jokingly said "we should set you up with this boy hahaha." I think in any other situation this would have been just an absurd joke, except in my case the joke was "because you're both so fat hahaha." Mind you, I was 23 years old and the boy in the video was about 12, the "joke" doesn't even make sense, it's just a way to ridicule me and my body.
- Another aunt of mine visited during the trip and she hadn't seen me for about 20 years. Of course she was shocked to see me like this. I get it. But, it was still heartbreaking to realize that the first thing she had to say to me when she saw me, the very first thing, was "oh my god, you've gotten so fat". For real.
- My mother and sister, who were also on the trip with me, met with another relative of mine who was kind enough not to ridicule me to my face but did not miss the chance to comment on my weight, on my fatness, to my mom and sister. He said the same thing as my aunt -- she's gotten so fat. They told me later that night and my sister was pissed about it, saying she wanted to say something. That was the part that made me saddest. No one stood up for me. People just don't do that, not only because it's a cultural thing, but because my body, my fat body is fair game for others to pick apart. I am their human pinata.
- This didn't happen on this trip but it did happen last Christmas, about 6 months ago. An old man at a dinner party, also from my culture, was talking about how healthy and fit he was at his old age. I was sitting at the same table and for some reason he decided to point to me (instead of the other equally fat people around) and use me as an example of unhealthy weight saying stuff like, "too much, overweight, too big, not good etc.
Honestly, I had to struggle to remember some of these even though they only happened a year ago or even more recently. When they were happening, when I was in that moment, in that interaction, I wanted the ground to swallow me up, I wanted to run away and cry and escape from the situation. I never stuck up for myself either because a) the initial shock of someone being so incredibly rude to your face b) the invasion of your person, your self - having your body commented on when you're not comfortable with it feels like someone is invading your space and your body c) that little voice that said: well, they're not wrong I AM huge, gross, fat, ugly etc.
And that is why I refuse to comment on others' bodies. Whether they are super-fit or super-fat, it is none of my business. If they ask me, I would reply appropriately but I have a rule to never comment on someone's appearance when it concerns their weight, size, shape etc. because I don't know what body-image battles they deal with. I give compliments all the time especially related to what the person may be wearing or what they do or how smart they are, and the closest I'll come is to tell my close friends: "that dress has a great fit/fits you well" and the usual stuff like "you look great" etc.
Just thinking about the incidents above made me want to cry, run and hide all over again. It's not okay to say those things to a person because their body is not your business. Anyone can talk about anyone else's body, it is VERY EASY TO BODYSNARK and is no limited to weight. In high school, that was practically all my mean girl friends did. It is very easy. But it has nothing to do with that person's worth, their values, their soul, their internal world, their beautiful life.
As I lose weight, it become more and more important for me to not only continue to uphold these principles but to also defend them and others when possible. I am not perfect, my old habits come back and in moments of moral weakness, in a petty attempt to make myself feel better I am sure I have judged others' bodies. I am also not blind, I know what kinds of bodies I find attractive. But this issue has nothing to do with sexual attraction. That is why another sign of a good human being to me, a quality I look for in my future partner is someone who respects women's bodies, who understands that you can know what you like but that doesn't mean you have to be judgmental about what you may not like/know/understand.
I almost forgot about the most recent one in Vegas, just a month ago. I heard it from a random guy standing 2 feet from me at a lounge where he and his friends were trying to hit on my friends: "So we've got 3 hot girls and 1 fat one." I was drunk when I overheard this but not drunk enough to forget it, probably ever. Like with this comment and the others another emotion surfaced strongly: anger. I was so angry because "who the fuck are you." I was angry because "you don't know me." I was angry because "how can people be so cruel." I didn't say any of those things, I just wished that that guy is, one day, blessed with many daughters.
I was angry after I returned from my home country, too. So angry that I ate mostly salads for 3 months and lost about 25-30 ish lbs. I was basically starving myself, fueled by anger and hatred for these people, fueled by the eventual vindication I would get when they saw me again. I eventually gained the weight back.
Now...I couldn't care less. I am sad and hurt by these words, still, but what can I do about them. These people don't matter. I don't even know most of them. They were just randoms who happened to hurt me deeply, probably unknowingly. And no amount of vindication would give me satisfaction, that will only come from positive emotions, from the warm embrace of someone who loves me for me, respects my body and my struggles, motivates me and understands that my body is not an object to be mocked or gawked at. Someone who understands that my body is not separate from me, it is me, because my life is written on my body. So, while concocting revenge fantasies to spite the naysayers and the mean girls in my life can be fun, that old proverb is true: Living well is the best revenge.
