Fake it till you make it

The woman I want to be has her shit together. What does that mean anyway? Someone asked me that this weekend and I said - someone who knows where they are going and what they are doing with their life.

I know where I want to go with my life and I know what I am doing with my life and, unfortunately, those two things don't match. And, I numb myself with food, alcohol, internet, television, facebook, twitter, instagram, thinspo, tumblr, fashion, makeup, shopping and idle gossip to distract myself from the voice in my head that is begging me, beseeching me to listen. I am drowning that voice out with all this other noise because I know that if I listen I will have to give up all these things which I like and I will have to do things that I don't necessarily like, or that I think will be difficult or painful or frightening or a combination of the three.

But the woman I want to be? She is different. For example, tonight she would go to bed in a timely fashion, organize her clothes for tomorrow, keep her surroundings clean and make sure that she is adequately prepared for her meetings. She would eat a healthy breakfast and mentally ensure that she has time to work out later in the day is she hasn't worked out already. She would get to her meetings and handle things professionally and impress everyone around her with her intelligence and organization and eloquence. She would be kind to others and assertive when necessary. She would not care what anyone thinks of her appearance, of her past, or her presence and/or her future. She would do everything that needed to be done without fear. She would prepare in advance healthy foods for herself to avoid temptation, save money and eat healthy. She would think before she spoke when she ran into strangers and she wouldn't ruminate about her interactions with others. She would be the picture of maturity. She would return home and get straight to work on her research and avoid distractions until the work is complete. She would then, like the night before, ensure that she prepares for the following day and follow through. She would appreciate herself and her hardwork, she would take pleasure in the small things. She would value others and be grateful for what she had. She would spend more time listening and less time gossiping, bragging or saying negative things about others or herself. She would ensure that she does not let others down and that she does let herself down. She would not do something she is uncomfortable with. She would drink minimally and not get drunk or feel loose and happy. She would make fitness a priority and ensure that all her prior commitments are complete. She would sit in the driver's seat and focus. She would listen, listen, listen. She would understand that the stupid distractions are detracting her from real life and the fullness of experience. She would see the patterns that she has put herself through time and time again. She would stop making false promises and starting health blogs, excel spreadsheets and to-do lists for "next monday" to just give up again when a new restaurant opens or when she skips exercise. She would take her health seriously. She would stop being afraid of the unknown and the unknowable.

That girl is me. And I am stooping her from doing all those things. There is no point in psychoanalyzing why, there is only one thing to do and that is to do it.  

Update: Documentaries, Smoothies and Healthy Poop

That's a gross title, but it is true.

Since around the beginning of the month I have tried my best to eat well. I have done this by educating myself. I watched a bunch of documentaries and I got a Vitamix blender recently. My intention was to learn about healthy eating and how it affects my body, and, conversely, about how unhealthy food is made and how it harms my body. While nothing I have learned has been groundbreaking, some of it has been surprising or just very informative so that I feel like the message has started to sink in more than it has before. Before, I would eat healthy just to lose weight. Now, I am doing that still, except I am also eating for health and to keep the old garbage out of my body.

I have also started working out really hard. I am pushing myself and really talking to myself while exercising so that I keep going. So far I have been able to run for 10 minutes straight which is absolutely crazy to me! I would never have thought it possible. But, I was underestimating my body. I have been mainly focusing on cardio but now I am incorporating weights as well so that I can tone my body and not just lose weight but build muscle to burn fat as well. As far as food goes I don't eat any processed carbohydrates before evening. This just helps me stay on target. It has been working for me so far. Then, in the evening, I eat brown rice, brown rice noodles, or multigrain rye bread.

I have a busy summer coming up so that is why I am trying so hard right now, so that I can take advantage of the time I have available now. I ma hoping my efforts will pay off. In terms of other non-pounds related benefits, well...

• I have more energy
• I drink green smoothies and put in all the nutrients that I feel I should have include flax, turmeric, vitamin d, protein powder etc.
• Because of this, I have stopped taking my iron supplements which used to give me stomach discomfort and made my poop black.
• Speaking of poop:

It is now green. Not radioactive green, or forest green, but it is like a dark army green-ish because of all the chlorophyll from the vegetables. Plus, I go more than once a day usually which is great because in the past I used to go like, maybe, twice a week. And, it doesn't smell bad.

I love my smoothies. They are convenient. I throw in whatever I have on hand. I don't follow a recipe but I always add spinach and/or kale and blueberries and flax. I particularly love adding avocados because the fat content in them and their texture makes the smoothies taste great and have a great satisfying texture, and they feel more filling. My Vitamix also allows me to make awesome dips, dressings and sauces which I have only tried one of but so far the results are great. Plus, it solves the daily conundrum of what to eat for breakfast/oh no I didn't eat breakfast.

This routine is good but I also want to make sure I indulge once in a while without guilt. I know it sounds crazy but to make sure that I don't go crazy, or that I don't binge because "I deserve it" I need to be able to manage eating foods that I would eat normally as a treat.

Skin update: purchased two dermarollers (0.25 and 1.0 mm), jojoba oil, glycolic acid cream, and bentonite clay. Will try them and keep track to progress.

Current weight: 208.7 lbs 

It's all too much

I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now. I have a ton of schoolwork to do, a lot of readings too. I have work - a job for which I'm currently training. I have my stupid, fucking driving to worry about. And on top of all that my weight is ballooning because I'm freaking out internally from everything. The stress of it all is too much at the moment. Things could change tomorrow, and things were different yesterday, but right now I feel terrible.

This is all compounded by the fact that I almost had a collision today at at four-way stop sign where I was turning left and the car in the lane perpendicular to me decided to go well after I was already in the middle of the road. It was ridiculous because it wasn't my fault but I also panicked a bit because my head was telling me to do one thing which was clear the intersection while my dad was yelling at me to brake which is crazy. I hate that. The same thing happened at another left signal. There was a bunch of oncoming traffic and I couldn't tell when to go. At those times I feel like it's all still a mystery to my - a driving code I will never understand. Hopefully I will be able to figure it all out. My dad wants me to do my test in the third week of October. After today's "practice", I'm getting nervous and my confidence from the lessons before is dissipating.

I'm just plain tired. I want to book an appointment with the doc at my clinic and get some anxiety medication, but also something that will allow me to drive as well. I don't feel normal and I need to feel normal again, and quickly, before I drown in all of the responsibility.

The work part is fun though, it's just managing the time schedule. I'll have to go to school 4 days a week now instead of three so it'll be an added stressor. Then next week I have three events on a Saturday, 2 of which are all schmoozey. No wonder people take up drinking as they get older.

It's all too much and I feel like crying. I feel like I'm letting everyone down.

Oh and I forgot to mention my grad school stuff which is like another job, practically. Well at least teaching people to write will help me compose an amazing letter (and this blog should not be taken as an example of my writing skills as it's usually written in a hurry and in unusually high or low emotional states - also I dgaf about writing perfectly on here).

Anyway, I'm trying more than ever "to do the right thing", but it seems clear that I can't half-ass it. Either everything is right or nothing is because the middle grounds ends up with me here, crying over my laptop.

My weight is 210.3.

I feel like I can't think straight. I also have my period right now and I swear a couple of days before it started I remember having a dream about having no ovaries. I wish I didn't. I don't want kids, I don't want these mood swings either.

I just can\t right now, with anything.

This was nightmare, though, this whole thing with the driving, weight loss, school and work and grad school and everything else. That it would all be too much, that I would build up too much and my system would overload and I would..become depressed? Implode? Shut down?

I don't know.

All I know is that I have a bunch of readings and work to do and little time to do it. And it'll probably only mount from here seeing as school has only just started. But I know escaping my problems won't help, only facing them will, no matter how much fear it makes me feel. It would be easier to face my fears though, if my mind didn't always feel so foggy and so drained, thus why I don't feel clear-headed when I drive - another symptom of anxiety, my heightened state of panic.

No wonder food is my panacea, whatever dopamine-related effects it provides, my brain has latched on to it as a source of those and thus my addiction to food.

I just want it all to stop for a minute so I can think. I'm not as smart as other people, I can't think as fast as the other drivers on the road, I would just like them, I would just like life to understand, to cut me fucking break. I don't deserve this misery.

Drove again, Binged again

So I drove again today, back from school. Felt better about it, still getting a hand of the control but I don't feel as nervous about it as I did before, which is good. I remember when I was so super nervous before my first lesson. I think my instructor is probably still disappointed in my progress but I think I'm getting better and that's all that matters.

Speaking of serendipity again, I'm watching Wreck-it Ralph right now and Ralph just asked Penelope about the fact that she can't drive.

Anyway, I've been feeling a little perturbed about the way that I am around people sometimes. I feel like I'm talking too much or perhaps being overbearing. I haven't gotten any comments in this vein, nor do I detect that body language but I just feel like I've been talking too much. I'm going to try and be a good listener in my classes and training. It's just that I'm an introvert but I can be very chatty if you get me going, it's weird. It's a willingness to please things, and a bit of an ego/show-off thing. Ideally, I would like to only say things that are valuable to myself or my classmates and not "waste words". Think about what I say and always ask myself is it right to do so now? I'm trying to make sure I'm not interrupting, ever.

I want to be calm, collected, kind and courteous and express myself more eloquently. To think my thoughts through.

Today, I had to do an exercise where a fellow TA looked over my paper to check it for flow and clarity. They were supposed to read it aloud and as they read it I was sort of speechless about my writing skills. I couldn't believe how coherent and educated they sounded coming from someone else. Because I criticize myself so much for this kind of stuff and am a perfectionist, I was kind of surprised about this and happy. But then again there is always that little voice that says but maybe everyone else (I don't even know who this is supposed to be) would feel the same.

 When I think about driving as a goal, I remember D, my mean-girl ex-friend. Every time I would see her she would comment on my license-lessness. Basically, I didn't even want to see her anymore because I would get the same question and it would always embarrass me. I know that she probably thinks that I am totally incompetent.  I know she thinks so. I also believe that since our last uncomfortable and cold meeting at her wedding, that she probably, when she does think about me, laughs to herself about my patheticness due to the driving fact. I know this because I know her well. I had a moment earlier where I thought I am so glad she is out of my life, though she is still on facebook and no doubt is curious about my life. Now that I am practicing I feel good and smile to myself that I am moving on.

I am trying to keep it all together and organized. I really cannot procrastinate this term, especially since I've gotten into the habit of completing all my readings. I also need to sleep enough and stop eating sugar so I stop feeling so tired and drowsy. And exercise so I can feel energized. Basically what I was doing before. It's hard for me though, especially when I'm adjusting to new stressors. One thing is sure though, I need to -stop bingeing. It'll make me gain weight so much faster than if I just stopped eating low carb, it'll fuck up my metabolism, it'll be much harder to gets started again, the longer I wait. And I will keep gaining weight if I don't stop. Not to mention, I am getting older so it will affect my health. Gotta stop bingeing.

Food is definitely my drug. It makes me feel better when I'm stressed. This is not just a correlation that I eat more when I'm stressed. I am getting sick of it though now. Interestingly, now that I am a little less stressed about driving. Just a little. But I can feel my stomach expanding, feel that it's constantly full. I've tried to restart but it's been futile. I just feel like I'm not ready though I know I shouldn't wait for the right feeling. Once I start working out I know I will eat right because I hate the thought of cancelling out my workout with bad food. I haven't weighed myself but I'm guessing it's somewhere around 215 lbs.

Exercise-wise, I would run but I also want to do Insanity, but just not everyday. It's very effective but it definitely has a burnout factor. I want it's effects but without the boringness of it. I'm going to do the videos I love best that are both challenging and effective but also fun, and just do those on alternate days - so I'm thinking running everyday and Plyo or something similar about 3 days a week. Plus I'm buying a weight set for toning and starting that soon once I actually start. I am so out of focus though, I can't think straight until I can think straight. Until I can get a handle on everything or at least most things.

Things happening, maybe?

I had my driving lesson today, my fifth one to be exact. As of now I have had about 7.5 hrs. of practice (just one work day!) with my instructor and about 5 or so with my dad. I think, just judging by this much practice, that I am not too bad. I still can't make a lot of decisions on my own but the graph is definitely getting better. Whereas my first lesson was a 3, my second a 2, my fifth is like a 6 out of 10. I can control the car, my reflexes are getting better. I still have problems with left turns in that I don't make decisions quickly enough. I slow down on lan changes which is dangerous, but I don't do that every time.

Overall, I am more aware, and I am starting to get it. Today while I was driving with him I felt like "y'know, I could drive on my own. certainly to and from school with the skills I have now". I still need a ton of practice but because my progress graph is rising on an incline, I feel good about. But I also know I have to practice everyday. My dad wants me to get my license by the end of October which I hope I can do, for his sake and for my own.

I am a perfectionist, though, and I will not test till I am super confident.

The funny thing is, I had a total full-circle moment the other day. It really was serendipity or something cosmic. I was waiting for the bus at the bus-stop. A car drove by kind of slowly. I was still in my neighborhood and, so, there were very few cars on the road. When this car passed by slowly, I had enough time to look at the passenger. It was my old instructor. From about nine years ago. He's sort of a family friend so I've seen him a couple of times over the years, but, never in the ensuing nine years since he "taught" me to drive have I seen him in that car on the road. It was like a message from the universe. He looked at me too, and it looked like he may have registered my face but I am not sure. I smiled to myself. It was a sign.

I have so much resentment towards him. He was (and probably still is) the kind of instructor that yells. He yells and he talks on his cell-phone and he doesn't pay attention and he yells some more. He was terrible. I was thinking recently, actually, that I remember very, very little from that driving experience. He taught me the very basics and I don't remember actually the learning part. He taught me the testing routes and that was basically all I learned. So, I was excellent at driving the same route. Therefore, when it came time for my test, I was nervous to the bone but I drove and because my examiner took me on an unfamiliar path I panicked and failed. I remember the test but I don't remember the driving lesson. I do remember almost hitting a pedestrian and also almost hitting a curb because I didn't really know how to turn.

I failed because he was terrible. He made me fear the road, and the car. He made me fear driving. That fear was also instilled by my examiner because I hated her for...doing her job. I hated her for being cold towards me though I distinctly remember she said that I was a confident driver which...doesn't make sense now. I hated the day because it rained and in my OCD brain that was an omen. I cried for hours after the test because...I don't know why. Because I was humiliated I think. But I don't understand why. I think it was because the situation was too traumatic for me. I've often felt that getting in the drivers seat felt like PTSD in previous years.

Seeing as nobody know any of this I have to remember to be proud of myself for coming this far. For sticking with it and not giving up even when I wanted to, and almost did over the summer. I have to be proud of my self for seeing the silver-lining even though my brain wants me to only focus on the negative. I know that if I drive enough I will get better. I know that I will keep going and get better and drive like a pro because I am not giving up on this goal. I think my instructor is probably a little frustrated because I keep making the same mistakes but I haven't even had that much practice. I was reading some message boards online for driving anxiety and nervousness and some people had taken 30, 40, 50 hours of lessons. Someone had taken 2 years of lessons. Others were still as nervous when they started and most of these people had gotten their licenses. My questions at the beginning of this process were: it is even possible to get better if you suck? will I ever get over this nervousness? etc. I have my answers now. Yes, it is possible to get better even if you think you suck, and even if you were terrible in the beginning. Yes, the nervousness will decrease. New situations, new errors, new obstacles will make you jumpy and you may feel like the butterflies will never go away and that you will always grip the will that hard out of anxiety but you will ease into it. You'll probably continue to be nervous but that's okay. You'll be fine.

I drove for the full 1.5 hrs today and that is a lot of driving to do. I was exhausted by the end because of the stress and time and the heat. By the end I just really wanted to drive back home. I still ask too any questions but once I get more confident hopefully I won't have to.

Whatever. I am happy because I think this is good progress for 5 lessons and whatever my trainer or my dad may think, I think I am doing well because at lesson 1 I could not have imagined I would be driving like this in lesson 5. Lesson 1 was left turns in residential streets, 2 was right turns (and I sucked), 3 was driving on the road more and navigating traffic like that, 4 was more driving all over, 5 was driving all over and parallel parking. I think I need at least 10 more hours of driving all over to become "good". So I'll be driving everyday if possible, I wanted to do 24 hours of practice

Can't Just BE Me

I have serious problems just being me, just being myself. This driving thing has made me more aware of my self and my being than before. That's why I've been feeling so uncomfortable lately. I don't feel like myself - as I've written many times before here. I feel out of place everywhere. I feel like I'm trying too hard everywhere and everytime. Even around myself I don't feel a hundred percent. Am I depressed? Like actually clinically depressed again? I don't know. I also don't know whether this is just a funk or the side-effects of all the anxiety that driving is causing me.

I haven't been able to start working out yet. Or, to phrase it more honestly, I just don't want to yet. I don't feel up to it. I keep saying tomorrow, the familiar song. I'm just tired of everything. When I think about taking a vacation or getting away as a solution it also doesn't seem like the answer. I need to escape from myself for a little while.

I am okay most days, like I am okay at school and stuff. I feel a little odd, even as I participate in the social mores of daily life. But, I can't seem to stop criticizing myself or second-guessing every interaction, every body-language cue, every person who looks at me. Can I wish for a different brain? Or at least a different brain chemistry. Maybe I should get anti-anxiety drugs.

I don't know what to do, anymore. What is this life?

I am lying to my parents about how far along I am in my graduate career because they expect even more than I've given them. I live daily with the reality that I have failed at so many things, that I have been rejected so many times. I can't drive and I am majorly overweight - battling these demons every day, every week, every month, every year of my life. Will it ever get better? My problems may seem almost trivial to those with "real" issues, but to me they suck all the joy out of my life. My vitality is gone, my vigor is non-existent. Some days I have a zest for life but more often than not I feel like the only thing I ever want to do is lay on the couch. I feel bad for being a bad daughter, for stressing out my parents so much in their older years now. I don't want them to worry about me. I just want to make them happy, especially since my own sources of happiness are so hard to find.

I consistently look at myself in negative connotations. Even the most trivial gestures make me think that I've done something wrong. I can't talk to anyone about it, really. Well, I could, but I feel like I don't want to go there again. All the work I did, all the pain I experienced. Going back to counselling seems like a major step back.

I am lacking hope. Seriously.

I am thinking this is an effect of my diet also. The more garbage I feel - all the bingeing I've been doing - the worse I've been feeling. It is so hard to persevere at times like this.

I feel powerless, too. I feel like I am trudging through life with no real control over it. I think that is it. I attend classes - highly structured. My time is monopolized by readings and stress. My time is taken up by work also. I have to learn how to drive, I have little choice in the matter. My dad declares that I have to practice on this day and that like I'm a petulant child, waiting for me to resist. But I comply. I feel like I just comply. I have to graduate school and all the control rests with the various graduate committees. I have no control over my future, or very little anyway, which determines how much hope I have - very little. I don't feel like I am determining my path. While I have chosen it, other forces, other actors are laying the tracks. I am just drifting along making sure everyone is appeased, everyone is pleased. I don't feel authentic or honest, thus, I don't feel like myself. I have to start being more honest. I have to start somewhere to stop feeling like this.

Down

I heard my mom say, while she was cooking for me, that "[she] hasn't even lost any weight it's been a year". She was talking about me to me but as if behind my back, a taunt, an insult. Perhaps she thinks that hurting my feelings will motivate me to get off the couch right away and lose weight and all her dreams will come true, namely:
-I'm thin
-I'm beautiful
-Everyone loves me
-I become a medical doctor
-I get married to a doctor of my ethnicity and have children etc.

My dreams:
-I'm thin and fit
-I love me
-My parents are proud of me
-I get my PhD and a job as a professor
-I fall in love with someone (any ethnicity) and we live happily ever after - marriage optional, no kids.

We differ.

It hurts me, deeply, to know that my parents are so disappointed in me. They believe in the old ways of the country: shame your kids to make them better = parenting. My dad, too, is so rude and unsupportive sometimes. I know he's tired of me but I don't think that is an excuse to hurt me with barbs.

I try. I do, I try really fucking hard. I just wish I could get some recogniton for that. I don't want an award for trying. I don't want a pedestal. I don't even want them to be proud of me for trying but they could at least not be so cruel. It's like I'm not a person. It hollows me out everyday. If I don't leave soon I will be just a husk of a human. A skin suit that once had memories and dreams, wishes and a whole soul - not the thin wisp of smoke that props me up.

I've been thinking about death a lot lately, because I'm depressed. I've been thinking about my own mortality, about the futility of life. I've been on this hamster wheel of the same bullshit for so long, it's like I'll never change, never accomplish those same three goals. It is because of my thoughts of death that make me comfortable with driving some days, that make me feel ballsy - which is not the same as consistent confidence. I feel like it's not that nerve-wracking. It is in acknowledging my death that I can face the fear head-on, that I can become free of it. It returns though, time and time again. These moments of freedom are rare.

I was thinking earlier tonight about how cars and driving represent adulthood for me. They define a sort of "letting go", of "cutting the cord". It is also something I always picture others doing easily but not me. I have started to envision myself as a casual driver more and more recently as I learn to navigate the roads. The point where I will be confident is still a ways of. I get a little nervous thinking about the test and all that but that is so far off in the horizon now. Driving is such a sensitive issue for me and my parents. They know and I know how I have failed in life because of this crucial aspect of adulthood. I am not an adult. I ma still a kid in these ways. Interestingly, kids get their licenses easily at 16, and at 25 I'm still clutching to my dependency though I am wildly independent in my mind. I keep trying to find the missing piece of the puzzle, the key to lock that will unlock this mystery for me: what is it? Why are things so askew in my life. Why is my life askew?

It's probably a combination of childhood, parenting, insecurity from both, and my own neuroses from OCD and depression. My parents, it seems, have blanked out my depression from their memories. Because I am normal now. They think. They don't know or realize that I will always be broken, at least a little broken. I wish they'd lower their expectations of me so we could both find some peace. I wish they'd realize that I will always be a misfit toy.

At times like these I become more motivated to apply and do well and get into a school out of town. I just need to go now and leave this city and my stagnation behind. It will tough, though, if I get in here and out of town. I'll definitely move away, though. In the interim, I plan to work during my summer off full-time and give all that money to my parents or save it for moving away if I get in. I don't want to move away from my parents but I have to.

In terms of weight loss, I'm definitely gaining weight and I need to stop. I am starting tomorrow to work out and breaking in my new hrm. I have to drive tomorrow, read a bunch of articles and exercise for more than an hour. I think I'll read now to save myself some time tomorrow. School is a big priority for me now, I have to do well, I want to do well. I want to be extraordinary, an exceptional student.

No more words

I feel like I haven't figured out this life thing yet. Isn't it sad when you can predict the trajectory of your life, when you can see your future, because, if it is anything like your past, you are a sad, lonely, disappointment to one and all. I feel like I am becoming more and more distant from myself. Rather than figuring out who I am, I often feel more "out of body" now in my 20s than in my teens. Shouldn't some things get a little easier? Shouldn't there be some improvement? Instead I am sitting here with that familiar feeling of self-pity. I feel sorry for myself. I feel repulsed by my own pathetic nature. On the surface, to others, things seem fine, better perhaps, than before. But only I know the truth. I am still sad, fat, alone. All my old goals are still unfulfilled. I haven't done anything yet that I can truly be proud of. And I am wasting away.

How long before all the potential dissipates from disuse?

I long thought that escaping my physical space was my only option, my only road to freedom and happiness. I now know that it is all on me. My unique chemistry makes me the creator and destroyer of my own misery.

I feel stuck and unable to breathe.

What's the point when it's all the same? When it is all always the same? Why go on when nothing changes and your parents are disappointed in you for all the same reasons they were disappointed in you for 5 years ago. What is the point when there is no progress, growth, development?

I'm still practicing driving. I hate it. It makes me feel nervous because I don't feel like I'm in control. My dad makes me practice often now because he want, NEEDS me to get my license so he can be free of my burden. As he should be. My dad often talks about retirement and how hard I'm making everything for him and the family.

I used to believe with all my heart that I was destined for greatness. That was a long time ago. What now?

Sometimes I think "one pill, a drug, anything to fix me, because something is not right with me". It's like I am programmed to be unhappy, that no matter what I do I will never be happy on my own, that I will always need artificial means. That I will always have to manufacture my happiness from mixture of chemicals, denial and insincere praise. I was thinking today "what is left" and "what for" and for the first time the voice that answers: "true love, that life in the country, the writing, that life you've always wanted" rang hollow and was rendered weak by the fact that I am now further than ever from that reality.

I am going to keep practicing, keep swallowing my nerves. I'll suck it up till driving is second nature. It's all I have left to do, in a sense. I'm just going through the motions now. I'm going to apply to graduate school to and que sera sera to that.

When I'm driving I feel strange, like I don't know where I am or what I'm doing there. When I come back home I feel like myself again. I feel out of my body and distant from the world. It's like my senses are heightened but I can't feel anything. I want to get an anxiety pill from my doctor. Maybe I'll make a visit to my doctor at university. Unfortunately, I cannot tell my parents because they would just get really stressed out about it. I'm enough trouble as it is.

I was going to write another goal re: driving but then I realized that I was just trying to convince myself to do it and be good at it. There is no other way to do that than to just do it and practice enough. I'm tired of describing goals which are basically akin to wishes especially when they don't have plans of action. The reason I was successful in school the last couple of years was because it was a process. I would track my grades, breakdown my assignments and then proceed to do each with their own very many little steps. But it was natural not forced, not written down. I have to do the same for my driving.

The other problem is that I am not good at making decisions on the road yet, I panic and have to ask constantly what I should do next. I'm better at changing lanes now and I'm better at turning and all that but I'm still unsure of what I should do at intersections and all that. I'm still adjusting to controlling the car. I feel like my dad expects too much of me. He wants me to get my license so badly that he's a little too much. I...feel very pressured. Like I'm not living up to anyone's expectations. As always. So fat I have practiced 3 times out of the 24 I wanted to do before I decide whether or not I'm ready for the test. 21 more drives to go.

I also feel like I know everything when I'm in the passenger seat. But when I'm driving it's like I've never seen a car before. As a passenger I could tell anyone exactly what to do next but in the driver's seat I need to be babied through everything. How do I drive with the knowledge and confidence of my passenger self? More practice, I guess.

Taking It Slow

I ate a fast food burger today. I was okay with it. It was my only meal of the day and that's not good either but I didn't feel like eating anything after and I had cravings at night but I decided not to eat.

I have thought more and more about my goals and while a part of me is very eager to lose all the weight very quickly but another part of me just wants to take it easy and still live. Now that stuff is starting back up - like school and family coming to stay, I am trying to take it easy on myself. I wasn't mad about eating poorly today, though it is not in line with my normal eating but I don't want to feel bad about it in maintenance either so it only make sense to just let it go and get back to eating healthy right away.

The other thing is, I have realized that when school starts for real I may not have to take too many courses so I will have a lot of free time. I don't have to think about running into a deadline in the form of a wall. I want to do this for me so I have to respect myself. I want to make fitness a priority. Running is a priority. My groin was hurting today and my hip hurt yesterday but that's a bit of an excuse. Just gotta back to it tomorrow.

I just need to get into a rhythm of working out in the morning before I do anything else. It's hard though but I have done it before and it did feel good. I think I need to go low carb this week to balance out all the crap I've been eating. Carbs and me = no bueno. So it'll be about 4 days of salads and proteins which is fine by me. I have some lentil soup and I'll make another soup later this week. But I want to continue with carbs next week because of the good results I had gotten before last weekend. Just trying to balance out.

The other reason I don't mind slow weight loss is because of loose skin. I don't want any and I know that if I starved myself and worked out like crazy I would have it. I still want to lose about 3 lbs, because I have so much to lose. I am still disappointed that I am not under 200 yet. But, I should have expected this to happen. It is a big obstacle for me. I have never lost 40 lbs before and I haven't been under 200 for about 4-5 years. But enough is enough. I will be under 200 lbs by Monday. That is the goal that I am working towards. I think I can do it.

To lose 5 lbs in 4 days (2 of which, at least, is water weight from the increased sodium), I will have to workout really hard but I want to do it. I want to get under 200 already. After all I have another 40 lbs to lose for my first goal. Most importantly, I am done with junk/processed food for the whole rest of the year. I just don't want to eat anymore fast food, diet pop, or any plastic bag products like chips or cookies.

It is time to kick this into high gear. I want to be down to 128 by December which means a lot of hard work but it is certainly doable if I workout consistently and exercise everyday. The only think in my way is my fear that even working hard will not get me results which is not true. If I do it right it will work, and if it doesn't I will figure it out and modify.

Getting Better

I'm still getting over the events of this past weekend. It's hard because those thoughts still pop in my mind: did I do something really wrong, am I the wrong party, will she talk bad about me to others, does she hate me, do I hate her, am I wrong etc. I don't want to think about her and the weekend anymore. Instead I want to remember the good stuff and move the fuck on. I have started already. Good things I did today that contributes to my progress:
-I talked to people in my class today and they seemed nice
-I ate healthy today
-My good friend is coming over tomorrow
-I exercised today for 1 hr at 3 mph and burned about 450 calories (says the treadmill).
-I talked to my sister

I am starting to climb back up to where I was. I am starting to take control of my life again. This is the third time now that I've pigged out on a trip and then gotten back on the wagon. I know that I shouldn't keep doing that but I am still proud of myself for resetting and getting back up each time. Funnily enough, though I said it before, the whole thing with D is motivating me a little bit but in interesting ways.

I keep thinking about the potential and dreams of mine, and how hard I am working to accomplish them. I was sitting in class today and just thought, "this is where I belong." In the classroom, among mostly like-minded peers. As well, I can feel my spirit coming back. I can feel my old personality: funny, vivacious, jovial, approachable, return slowly. At the beginning of the summer, I thought this was going to be the hardest but most enjoyable summer in a long time. I was right about the hard part. This has been a hard summer but not because of the weight-loss/fitness stuff. It has been hard and challenging due to my old relationships with D and her friends. It has been hard because I have learned difficult truths about myself: that I am selfish, irresponsible, that I can and should do more to help, that I need to show up and contribute. That I am a grown-up now.

But at the same time, the whole thing with D I think goes along with the theme of this summer - growth, authenticity, self-improvement. I cannot be the me I want to be with the presence of toxic people in my life. I have no room for that. I can already feel a little bit better at imagining a future where I don't have to think about or imagine impressing D. I learned a lot about who I think I am or at least want to become. I noticed the qualities I admire in others and wanted to (re)cultivate them, namely:
-Authenticity, realness, honesty
-Kindness, appreciation, generosity
-Humor, Joy
-Hard Worker, responsible, accountable, mature,
-Being unafraid to smile, someone others want to be around,

I have aspects and parts of each of these, I just have to bring them to the forefront and/or dial them up. The most important is the authenticity because it encompasses all of the above.

I am still too afraid to drive and won't be able to do so until Friday. I have to start though, tie is running out for that.

I am also having a little trouble following through on my courses - again responsibility and accountability.

But, I am proud of everything I did today, proud that after a really shitty weekend I was able to bounce back. I decided that I wanted to follow-through on my motto for the summer: DO. It is when I stop DOing that I stagnate and fall back. So I decided to start doing stuff and it's working. I wanted to distract myself while being productive and slowly but surely I will get over last weekend's business. Most importantly, I have been thinking a lot about friendship and how much I am in need of good friends. How much I lack good strong friendships. I need to make new friends again and as you get older it only gets more difficult. So, I do not plan on being aggressive and trying to make friends, just being nice and being myself. I had lost of opportunities to make great friends in the past but because I couldn't drive I avoided becoming too connected. I know it's crazy but that's what I did. I want to not do that anymore. And, of course, the other goal is to cherish the friendships that I have especially with my close friend J and my sister who lives out of town, and my parents, too.

I cherish these moments and do not take them for granted.

The other thing that I am proud of today is getting on the treadmill and walking for an hour at 3 mph. It's so weird that in the past I would only do like 20-30 minutes because I kept psyching myself out because I was feeling "tired". Today I decided that I would only get off once I felt totally exhausted, like cannot walk another step, or for 1 hour - whichever came first. I started to feel it a little around 45 minutes and then just decided to go for the hour. I could have gone longer but I also did have a bit of a nagging pain in my hip, too. But, I do know that I can go longer. My goal is to hit 2 hrs and also to increase my speed. I want to do this walk at night and do C25K in the morning before I shower because it'll make me sweat. I have decided to take a break from Insanity for now because I want to focus on fat loss for now and just was feeling a little tight in my body from only Insanity. So, once I have the treadmill routine down, I'll start Month 2 of Insanity (I'm thinking 29th). I'm sure it'll be very difficult starting after such a long break but it would have been hard regardless.

I'm trying to find inner peace and strength. Motivation to keep going. I have good and bad days and good and bad moments, it's all good. I was thinking today about the motto YOLO and how I don't quite agree with it because I think you live anew everyday. I also think that "Live everyday like it's your last" is much better because it motivates me to think about my basic values and principles and living according to them. In that sense, I tried to work today with that. And I felt good, I felt free, I felt okay. I felt like I wasn't a total fuck-up already before 3 pm in the afternoon, like I normally do. Thoughts still nag me about the weekend but the same thing happened with Vegas and I moved on, so much so that I think I blocked out a lot of the terribleness and have trouble remembering it (alcohol was involved). This time, I don't think that'll be the case. I think I'll remember more but as they say: time heals all wounds. And while mine, caused by D, have been inflamed for a while and irritated again, those will scab over too. I can only be me and I have to be happy with what I have whether anyone else accepts it or not. And no one will know or understand how I feel or felt and that's okay. As always, I have to pull myself up. Today, I also focused on staying and being in the moment which was helpful.

My big problem is that I am, at any given time, either ruminating and beating myself for the past or worrying or fantasizing about the future. I need to be in the moment. In this moment.

Recovering

I'm still recovering from the friend break-up I went through this past weekend. The last interaction I had with D was a text message in which I wished her well and said that we would get together the next time I'm in town. I got no response to this text and I don't know why. I could feel that her and her friends were being cold to me during the wedding as well. I am still not sure why. From my perspective, I attended her wedding and I stayed away from participating too much. I didn't get ready with her like the other girls did because Vegas was too much for me and it would just bring back memories of the ostracism that I faced then, and I can pretty much guarantee that the same would happen now. They would have ostracized me in some way. And since she didn't have bridesmaids, it's not like I wasn't fulfilling some pre-designated obligations.

Could I have been friendlier and texted her ahead of time to let her know that I would be minimally involved because of certain circumstances? Yeah, probably. But, I acted according to how I felt. I was being honest with myself and how I felt. Do I have any regrets? A couple. But I don't think I would change anything about the weekend. I had already made the decision to cut ties with her and I suppose now I have. I guess I just wasn't expecting it from her end too. Now, I am not quite sure where we stand and that bugs me. Last time we met, was at her party and I hugged her congratulations and she hugged me back and then hurriedly moved away without so much as a "thank you for coming". I spent hundreds of dollars to fly there and got nothing for it. So my one regret was going at all. I could have just stayed home and cut ties but I thought it would be fitting to attend her wedding as a last goodbye. And, I thought I would have been not "doing", avoiding and escaping had I not gone. And that does not go along with my new self.

The fact of the matter is that she hasn't replied to my text and that bugs me because it tells me that she is shutting me out. I didn't want it to be this way. I tried to be the bigger person and be as friendly as possible. Maybe that was my mistake, I wasn't 100% honest with myself. It's hard, this authenticity business, at least it is right now, in the beginning. Having always been a people pleaser and generally non-confrontational, I don't know what it's like to have someone not like you to your face, to have an enemy and so forth. The problem is that I was trying to give this "relationship" closure and she fucked that up for me to. So here is my closure: it's fine D. You win. You can hate, talk about me and tell other people things I may have confided in you (I was very careful to not do this). You can do all of that. Chances are that when next we meet you will be polite with me and give me your fake smile. I hate that smile, the one where you show your teeth while the wheels in you brain churn thinking "how can this person be useful to me, how can I exploit them?" That is the best I can expect from this relationship. And this is my ideal for our relationship. The worst case scenario is that you will talk shit about me to everyone you know  and ignore me when you see me in public. Again: that's fine too. I just hope that the next time I see you I will not be the first to crack, that I will hold my resolve strong and that you will see, with those shrewd eyes of yours, that I am better off without you, that I never needed you and that you underestimated me always.

That's the saddest thing, I think. That you think I'm stupid. That you think I went along with every thing in Vegas because I'm a follower. That you think I'll never get anywhere and will always be this way - stuck where I am. To be frank, I used to think so too. Sometimes I still do, at my lowest but it because I am letting people like you speak for me. I want to speak for myself. I want to show you and the world what I'm worth and what I'm capable of. The hurt that you cause me will take time to heal and is a good reminder that I did the right thing. Someone like you is not worthy of being my friend.

Being my mother's daughter I always tend to second-guess my decisions and feel anxious if I feel like I have ever hurt or disappointed people - this is 75+ years of putting others before myself (including my mother's age). We both disregard how much others hurt us and sacrifice ourselves on their altar. So, for my mom and myself, I will break this cycle. I hate you D and I am indifferent to your life. And I don't care what you think of me anymore. Feeling this way will take practice but if I am to be successful in the world of work, the world of leaders and doers, I have to be prepared to be disliked. And to be okay with that I have to be happy with myself and I am not right now - my trepidation and thoughts about her are motivated by the fact that she is right - right now. I fantasize about the future and think of how she'll react when I am successful in weight loss and work but that still gives her power over me. What about me? What about my thoughts on my success. I will do it, dammit. I am worth it. I will work for it for no one else but myself. To be happy I have to do. Time to get started.

Blah

I felt so blah today. I have been increasingly demotivated and I don't want to do anything at all. I have schoolwork to do, I have to learn to drive, I should be working out...

I have been skimping on all of the above. I just don't want to do anything, I'd rather sit around and be lazy, watch tv and surf the net...

Which will lead to lost goals, unfinished plans, and have a domino effect on my life...

Which will lead to depression.

I know myself but because I know myself I also know how to lie to myself, how to deny, how to hide and how to procrastinate like a champ.

This cannot go on. I have to risk failure, I have to do what I set out to do and, as always, I will realize that it wasn't that hard to begin with, it was actually even fun.

I leave a couple of days from now for a wedding out of town. After that, when I return, I intend to:
-Sleep early - for only 8 hours a day
-Wake up early
-Do C25K in the morning
-Keep my surroundings clean
-Practice driving
-Study my coursework so I can ace it
-Do Insanity in the evening

Those are my goals for this month. I want to do the above continuously everyday for the remainder of the month like I did Insanity and reassess my situation on August 1st.

Some family is coming to stay with us later this month and I'm concerned that I'll be distracted -- or I'll be even more focused because I'll have to focus on my life. I can't keep avoiding what I must do. I think part of the problem is that I only seem to have two speeds - off or high.

My goals are too important for me to fail before I have even given it a good enough try.

As the old lament goes:

"I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired."

The other thing I'm going to do is buy smaller plates for myself (I want square, blue ones) and eat from those for all my meals. This way I can portion control better because I know that is a huge issue for me (no pun intended). I will start waking up at a decent time, not oversleeping, and set an eating schedule on my phone so I know when it's time to eat a snack and small portions so I don't get any cravings.

I need to wake up, both literally and figuratively. Here is where I am at with my goals so far:

• Learn to drive
•          -Call Instructor (5/25/2013) Started Lessons
•          -Do the road test 
•          -Get License - I've had two lessons, driven three times with my dad and am terrified and procrastinating on this. My goal was and is to practice everyday until the road test so I can get my license before school starts officially.
• Get a parking spot and drive to school and work everyday - not possible without a license
• Improve my skin/get clear skin - fix my scars, tone and texture
•          -Vitamins, 64 oz of water/day, face masks - I've been drinking lots of water but I need to lose more weight before considering any procedures.
•          -Fraxel Laser/Peels (research)
• Laser Hair Removal 
•          -Purchased Tria 4x - I've been lazy even for this!!
• Write everyday - Currently only blogging - I need to start writing and reading my research books
• Finish 10 fiction book this summer - I could have a shot at this if I actually start now and not next month but it may be hard with my courses (which...I cannot wait for them to finish)
• Keep up with my friendships - This makes me a bad person but I have been avoiding my friends. One in particular. It makes me a shitty friend, I know, things just kind of suck right now.
• Weigh 175 lbs by the end of summer. - The food part is good, I'm doing okay and I'm doing Insanity BUT I need to do way more cardio if I have any chance of losing 30 lbs by the end of August - which, to me, is an achievable goal. 

SSo, clearly, I need a huge kick in the butt and before life gives it to me - which it will do unsolicited I need to give one to myself. I know there are deep psychological issues at work here - fear of failure, lack of self-worth, self-confidence and self-esteem, feeling like I don't deserve good things and all that but I cannot let myself go and ruin all of the great work I've done so far.

I am proud of myself for all the work I've done re: weight loss. Before, it was "easy" for me to get down to 205-ish from 230 because I was eating low-carb and less than 1000 calories but I don't want to go that route again. I have to have faith in the process and the exercise and I know my work won't be for nothing.

I have a huge motivating factor for my weight loss which is cutting my hair super-short. While other big girls may be able to pull of short hard I know that, with my face, I won't be able to do the same. I need to lose weight to have the look I desire and feel confident and I do not want to settle for anything less than that. I have always seem myself a certain way and I want that girl in my head to become reality, for no one else - just for me.

In terms of the driving, I was thinking about making a pros and cons list so I can look at it everyday when I wake up and before practice and remember my priorities and immediately the pros, in my head, were flooded and the only con was: fear.

It's a no brainer. I need to do this for me. I need this, want this, will do it. 

Post-Vacation Workout

I did it. I did an Insanity workout after coming back from a 5-day vacation/interruption. I didn't do it right away though, in total I haven't worked out for ten days before today (including the three days before I left for vacation). Now, this is a big deal for me. The old me would have said:

"I'll do it Monday...because it's a Monday workout so it only makes sense, I shouldn't do it in the middle of the week, that'll screw everything up."

This is classic old, miserable me (OMM) rationalization. Clearly my schedule has already screwed up considering that I didn't workout the week prior! Yet, here I am trying to avoid working out. I didn't even realize that was what I was doing until after I worked out and sat down to write this. There is a reason why they say most of weight loss is mental. It's all in my head.

I missed the feeling of endorphins, and the feeling of accomplishment.

After a 10 day break, I could barely keep up. I took several breaks, I couldn't finish any sets without doing so, and I was winded. I sweated but not as much as usual because I couldn't keep up and be consistent. But,  luckily, my flexibility was still good. I'm going to finish out week 4 of Insanity and then I have another trip and then I start Month 2. The weekend should be enough of a "recovery" so I will skip Recovery Week. I've read that Month 2 is truly insane so I am nervous but ready for the results. I am just kind of scared of upping my calories. I am going to stick to 1200 for the whole month so I can lose more.

I am also considering, that if Month 2 is too challenging (pffft, no such thing!), I will just do Month 1 over again and get really good at it., or maybe alternate days simply because I am not the target population of this workout.

I desperately need a heart rate monitor so I can monitor and see how many calories I am burning. I want the Polar FT4 - it's quite expensive but seems like it'd be worth it. Just so I can see how much I burn on the treadmill, too.

Anyway, the OMM would have definitely skipped the workout and called it a day on Insanity, yes, even despite the 3 consistent weeks I already put in. Fact is, I need to start running and burning fat. It's just everything is really overwhelming right now. The school, the driving and the weight-loss - I mean there is a reason why I avoided doing all three things together in previous years. But the thing is I don't fear the thing itself but the idea of it. I don't fear my indviidual workouts I fear not doing them and failing to doing them and still failing to lose weight. I fear fucking up in the driving and disappointing my instructors and not progressing any further at all. I fear not being able to manage any of it and being exactly where I started.

But the thing is...

I am already far from where I was in any years previous because this year I am actually DO-ING. I am learning to drive - it's slow but it's happening. I am working out and despite having eaten out and going on vacation multiple times, I have always gotten back on the wagon. I am going to school. I AM managing it. I am doing it. I have to keep believing in myself, get out of my head, and into my life and just do it.

Reality

I was looking at an old picture of my face just now and it can only be described as fat (and maybe downtrodden). I then took another picture immediately for comparison and noticed a difference. My face is thinner and less round. I have a long face but you can't tell with all the padding. It really showed me, though, that I have a fat person's face, that I am fat still and I have a long way to go. It also reminded me of the fact that I have no idea what my "skinny face" would look like. I have no clue. I have always been this way, I have always been the little girl with the chubby cheeks and the soft body. There is a deep connection between my perception of what I "should" look like and what I actually look like and a superficial disconnect with what I "wish" to look like. A part of my brain thinks, "well this is okay, I'm smaller, my clothes fit better = done". The rational part whispers "ummm no, not all". I need the rational part to be louder, to hear that all the time so I can get off my ass and get moving. It is only when I see myself in pictures that I realize how far I have to go and it will NOT be easy, but then nothing worth doing ever is. In fact, it could and should be fun.

My pants are so loose that it makes me feel skinny but that is not the reality. In reality I am still 205.5 lbs, still obese. In reality I am still very unfit. In reality I am still not happy with the way I look, though I have moments but in those moments I am settling for a lesser version of myself. So, I have no choice but to stop wearing my loose clothes and start to go down in sizes. I have to leave the comfort of baggy shirts and loose skinny jeans and embrace the tightness and reality of my smaller clothes. It won't be easy because I am so used to wearing these loose-fitting clothes and being comfortable but I've been "comfortable" for far too long already.

My diet has stabilized and I am tracking everything again. Because I am eating regularly I really don't feel like indulging or "cheating", though I was craving Chinese food today, and cheese fries. But that is nothing that can't be fixed with patience and substitution or just eating anything healthy at all.

I need to get back to drinking lots of water. It was starting to become a habit but the travel interruption caused me to stop drinking lots. I have to help it become an everyday thing. Along with exercising.

I am going to finish out Insanity and start Chalean Extreme next month. I need to buy weights for that so I'm going to hold off for a bit and then get 'em later this month. I feel like I need to be more in shape and lose more fat before really getting into it. That's not to say that I won't be doing any toning stuff but I feel like my body will be better served if I can at least complete the exercises with proper form.

I am feeling better overall, getting over the crazy vacation and all the guilt and regret that came with it and moving forward. I'm still having some trouble with anxiety but I am trying my best to be positive. I have to drive tomorrow and I'm nervous but I really want to be good. My priority will be to focus and think while driving to engage my brain instead of shutting down. I can do this.

Looking in the Mirror

I was looking in the mirror today and thinking about the next 40 lbs. Over the weekend as well, I kept thinking about how I have no idea how I will look 40 lbs lighter, in this mindset. I cannot even imagine it. I cannot imagine looking lighter than I do now and this is a problem.

I have gained and lost the same 30 lbs for so long that 205-ish is the lowest I have been in the past 3-4 years. This is a huge obstacle for me. I think it has a lot to do with the idea of normalcy and looking more and more like a normal, functioning member of society - a normal woman. I look in the mirror and I see my "normal". Which is also a huge problem. I have a very large archive of before and after pictures that I use for motivation and I need to look at them to recognize and realize that change beyond this point is not only possible, but necessary for me. I am still very much obese. I think I have become complacent with the weight for so long that I cannot fathom any other reality.

I need to start visualizing myself at a lower weight but I have a hard time accepting that. I need to, though, if there is to be progress. I need to accept that I deserve to lose the rest of the weight, that I deserve to continue and become who I am supposed to be.

The complacency ma also be due to the lack of progress pictures. I haven't taken some in a while and I will today as a starting point. The goal is to be under 200 by the upcoming wedding. That is a 7-8 lbs loss (2-3 of which is water weight). This will require me to work very hard over the next week. I want to burn like 1000+ calories/day just to see if I can do it but I don't have a calorie counter even though I wanted to buy one so I can't track it accurately. Today I only plan to restart Insanity. Tomorrow I will wake up earlier and run/walk.

Part of the reason why I haven't been working as hard as I could be is because I am scared. I have a deeply ingrained fear of success (which is really a fear of the unexpected, of not knowing what is around the corner - or beyond the lost weight). I need to keep in mind that it is just weight loss, just a pound at a time and I have worked too hard to to stop or slide backwards into my old miserable life.

I am certainly tired from my trips and many stressors that are causing me some (lots of) anxiety so I feel a little hesitant about restarting the exercise and having so many things on my plate but...that's a grown-up life. And they are all things that I want to or need to do.

The biggest stressor in my life right now is the driving lessons. I haven't gone for a while and I need A LOT of practice. But I do know that once I get the hang of it I'll really get it. It is just incredibly nerve-wracking for someone who has been kind of terrified of it for a long, long time.

But I am ready to refocus my energy and create a routine and get in the swing of things, take any bumps in the road in stride and continue on my path to accomplishing my goals. I will be adding a new one to my list as well - Running a Full Marathon next summer. In the meantime I would love to run and improve my times. I have to start tomorrow, though. No more waffling. I have to basically make my life: working out, driving, and school. That's it. I have to fully dedicate myself to those three parts of my life by doing a little bit everyday. Because before I know it summer will be over and I will be back in school making the same goals and resolutions I always do. No more.

• Goal for this month: 185 lbs
• Running everyday this month - become a Runner by the end of the month
• Staying within 1200 calories everyday this month (barring any exceptional circumstances)
• Being proficient in driving by the end of the month
• Finish my course requirements to the best of my ability
• Being myself - being consistently honest myself and being okay with myself

For me, the consistency is key. I have to continue my good behaviors everyday and gain strength and energy from that.

Anxious, Ready

Now that I'm back in the city, I feel more like myself. I feel like I am slowly getting back to normal. I am so done with the party scene. And I have absolutely no intention of drinking for a long, long time. Just thinking about it makes me feel sick.

I haven't started eating on plan yet, I intend to start from tomorrow - back to 1200 calories and Insanity + hardcore run/walk workouts. I would like to get below 200 by the end of the week. I am so sick of being stuck above 200 lbs, but I also know I have not worked enough to get there yet.

I was in class today and I looked around the small, stuffy room and thought - this is where I want to be. I don't want to be at a pool party at a high-end club in Vegas, I don't want to be in private rooms in luxury restaurants in LA. I want to be by myself in a cottage overlooking a meadow, read books by the window, know that my parents and family are happy and safe, and be able to support my quiet lifestyle. I want simplicity and minimalism. I want real beauty - not paint and lacquer.

This is very different from my goals just a few months ago when I wanted to feed my vanity and be outwardly beautiful to the world. Now I know (and, really, I always knew) that that beauty is cheap and useless, meaningless and arbitrary. I want to preserve and nourish my inner beauty and be genuine and real in an increasingly fake world. I want to be healthy and successful for me (and my family). I want to be honest with myself and kind to myself and others. I want to be genuinely positive.I want to be true to myself regardless of social situation or personal interaction.

I am nervous about the wedding coming up because of the people attending but I intend to be myself and let things be - regardless of what people may think of me. I have no intention to act according to others' ideas of what is and isn't cool. My old friend from high school is getting married and I am happy to support her and enjoy the wedding. I am ready to let bygones be bygones and ready to leave that relationship in my past along with it's bitter memories. This wedding, for me, is a good marker on the road, a checkpoint, a gate, a door, after which I can leave this friend and all my toxic relationships in the past.

I am ready for new friends and to cherish my existing ones, to work hard to keep them and make new ones. It is hard, at a certain age, to make new friends, but it can be as simple as a smile and being kind - but not everyone needs to be your friend or like you. I have to remind myself to be open and not have a chip on my shoulder, to be understanding and a good person - rather than having my walls up.

I am ready to stop over-thinking all my interactions and actions, I am ready to just be and just do.

Who am I

I am not happy with myself. It's not just about weight. It's everything. I don't like the person that I am right now. I have just returned from LA and like my last trip learned more about myself and like myself even less. I feel existentially ill at ease. I am not proud of myself when I am like I was this past weekend. I don't recognize that person and I don't want to strive to be anyone else but me, but when I am in those kinds of environments I try so hard to be somebody else. To be somebody cool, somebody everyone will like. It's because I don't always like myself, always find faults and flaws, that I try to change and mold and adapt but it never works. You can't be somebody else -- you can't be anybody else but yourself.

But what if you don't know who your self is?

I feel so helpless and hopeless right now. I feel like a failure. I feel like I am a bad daughter, a bad sister, not a good person. I miss my old self, my good, naive self. I am not a party girl. I am not "that girl". I am just me, my past present and future.

I have to travel again in about 10 days and I don't want to. I don't like the friend who's wedding I'm attending. I don't want to be a burden on the friend with whom I'm staying. I want to close up into a little corner by myself and hide away from the cruel eyes and mouths of the world - my eyes and mouth.

More and more I realize that I just want to find contentment in my little life: my parents, my school, my work, my friends, my self. I want to define my self for myself. I don't want to be defined according to other people's definitions, people who don't even know me. I can't do parties and bars and clubs anymore. I realize that now. It is just not me. That lifestyle is not me. I am my books, my letters, my words, my family, my few but precious friends, my work, my life's work, my hobbies, my ideas, my imagination, my fantasies, my dreams, my goals, my abilities, just me and whatever I want that to be. People can judge me, think I'm boring, lame, not fun, and that's okay. But I refuse to be someone else so they think the opposite.

My goals for this month are:

• Get really good at driving (stop worrying about the test)
• Be myself at the wedding
• Lose 20 lbs this month
• Finish Insanity
• Work hard, study well for my summer courses and ace them
• Focus on being true to myself, being honest with myself, and finding joy in my life and being happy

My Body Is Not Your Business

I hate it when people talk about my body. I hate it when people feel free to comment on other's bodies, weight, size, shape etc. When did it become okay to do so? And, of course, I am making a distinction between compliments that refrain from judging one's body weight and lifestyle.

In my culture, people openly comment on your weight and size. After living in Canada for most of my life, it came as a real shock to me when I went back to my home country for a visit last year. This is a short list of the number of times my obese body was commented upon by others:

• In clothing shops, vendors would openly tell me that they can't fit me. This happened in almost every shop (and I went to about 50 of them). Some would laughingly say so, as if to point out how obviously misshapen my body was, and they were almost always men. They were actually usually nice, but it became obvious overtime that I didn't belong there. 
• I was staying with a distant aunt and her husband, my uncle, was watching a Youtube video of a very fat little boy dancing to some song. The talk shifted to marriage for some reason and he jokingly said "we should set you up with this boy hahaha." I think in any other situation this would have been just an absurd joke, except in my case the joke was "because you're both so fat hahaha." Mind you, I was 23 years old and the boy in the video was about 12, the "joke" doesn't even make sense, it's just a way to ridicule me and my body.
• Another aunt of mine visited during the trip and she hadn't seen me for about 20 years. Of course she was shocked to see me like this. I get it. But, it was still heartbreaking to realize that the first thing she had to say to me when she saw me, the very first thing, was "oh my god, you've gotten so fat". For real.
• My mother and sister, who were also on the trip with me, met with another relative of mine who was kind enough not to ridicule me to my face but did not miss the chance to comment on my weight, on my fatness, to my mom and sister. He said the same thing as my aunt -- she's gotten so fat. They told me later that night and my sister was pissed about it, saying she wanted to say something. That was the part that made me saddest. No one stood up for me. People just don't do that, not only because it's a cultural thing, but because my body, my fat body is fair game for others to pick apart. I am their human pinata.
• This didn't happen on this trip but it did happen last Christmas, about 6 months ago. An old man at a dinner party, also from my culture, was talking about how healthy and fit he was at his old age. I was sitting at the same table and for some reason he decided to point to me (instead of the other equally fat people around) and use me as an example of unhealthy weight saying stuff like, "too much, overweight, too big, not good etc.

Honestly, I had to struggle to remember some of these even though they only happened a year ago or even more recently. When they were happening, when I was in that moment, in that interaction, I wanted the ground to swallow me up, I wanted to run away and cry and escape from the situation. I never stuck up for myself either because a) the initial shock of someone being so incredibly rude to your face b) the invasion of your person, your self - having your body commented on when you're not comfortable with it feels like someone is invading your space and your body c) that little voice that said: well, they're not wrong I AM huge, gross, fat, ugly etc. 

And that is why I refuse to comment on others' bodies. Whether they are super-fit or super-fat, it is none of my business. If they ask me, I would reply appropriately but I have a rule to never comment on someone's appearance when it concerns their weight, size, shape etc. because I don't know what body-image battles they deal with. I give compliments all the time especially related to what the person may be wearing or what they do or how smart they are, and the closest I'll come is to tell my close friends: "that dress has a great fit/fits you well" and the usual stuff like "you look great" etc.

Just thinking about the incidents above made me want to cry, run and hide all over again. It's not okay to say those things to a person because their body is not your business. Anyone can talk about anyone else's body, it is VERY EASY TO BODYSNARK and is no limited to weight. In high school, that was practically all my mean girl friends did. It is very easy. But it has nothing to do with that person's worth, their values, their soul, their internal world, their beautiful life. 

As I lose weight, it become more and more important for me to not only continue to uphold these principles but to also defend them and others when possible. I am not perfect, my old habits come back and in moments of moral weakness, in a petty attempt to make myself feel better I am sure I have judged others' bodies. I am also not blind, I know what kinds of bodies I find attractive. But this issue has nothing to do with sexual attraction. That is why another sign of a good human being to me, a quality I look for in my future partner is someone who respects women's bodies, who understands that you can know what you like but that doesn't mean you have to be judgmental about what you may not like/know/understand.

I almost forgot about the most recent one in Vegas, just a month ago. I heard it from a random guy standing 2 feet from me at a lounge where he and his friends were trying to hit on my friends: "So we've got 3 hot girls and 1 fat one." I was drunk when I overheard this but not drunk enough to forget it, probably ever. Like with this comment and the others another emotion surfaced strongly: anger. I was so angry because "who the fuck are you." I was angry because "you don't know me." I was angry because "how can people be so cruel." I didn't say any of those things, I just wished that that guy is, one day, blessed with many daughters.

I was angry after I returned from my home country, too. So angry that I ate mostly salads for 3 months and lost about 25-30 ish lbs. I was basically starving myself, fueled by anger and hatred for these people, fueled by the eventual vindication I would get when they saw me again. I eventually gained the weight back.

Now...I couldn't care less. I am sad and hurt by these words, still, but what can I do about them. These people don't matter. I don't even know most of them. They were just randoms who happened to hurt me deeply, probably unknowingly. And no amount of vindication would give me satisfaction, that will only come from positive emotions, from the warm embrace of someone who loves me for me, respects my body and my struggles, motivates me and understands that my body is not an object to be mocked or gawked at. Someone who understands that my body is not separate from me, it is me, because my life is written on my body. So, while concocting revenge fantasies to spite the naysayers and the mean girls in my life can be fun, that old proverb is true: Living well is the best revenge.

3 Weeks of Insanity

Finished my third week of Insanity today and I weigh myself tomorrow to find out how well the program has worked so far. But, before I get the numbers or the "real proof", I wanted to outline all the changes that have come about that are non-scale related:

• Fitness/Strength/Ability - obviously, has increased over this time. I take fewer breaks, I power through, I sweat and sweat.
• Confidence - the power of doing something is that it gives you the confidence to do other things by thinking about your previous achievements. This is true for each Insanity session and also relates to other areas in life where I am trying to accomplish goals.
• Perseverance - while I have much, much greater compliance in this program than any other exercise regimen before, there are still days where I think "uhhhh, too tired, too lazy, too blah," but having done it continuously and not wanting to break the streak or go off-schedule and recalling the ease with which I can complete a session motivates me to keep at it even when I might not always want to.
• Inches lost - I have gotten smaller - I know this because today I spent the whole day trying on clothes for LA that I wore a month before for my trip to Las Vegas and they all fit much, much better.
• Exercise works - seeing that exercise works to help you lose weight is common sense but hard to believe when you are slogging through until you see it in action. When you can tell that change is happening then you know that, hey, this really does work.
• Takes the pressure off the diet - I NEED carbohydrates. I need them for energy, so I can workout. I need to eat. Also, focusing on exercising takes my mind off my diet AND working out so hard makes me want to stay on plan so I don't sabotage my hard work.
• Flexibility - the stretches in the program are helping me become more flexible and stretch further. Flexibility and balance are both super important fitness goals of mine.
• Routine - when you have a routine, when you're in the flow, you feel like you are doing something meaningful and it comes easily. It structures your day and can become something you look forward to.
• Active lifestyle - I haven't only been working out with Insanity but also around the house and yard (lots of sweaty work there!) and it has made me a more active person in general. I'm still pretty lazy because it's summer and all, but it's a huge improvement from my couch potato days.

That's a lot of reasons to keep going and I'm sure there are more that I can't think of at the moment, but this is a good reminder to keep on. I will run on the treadmill on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and resume Insanity from the Monday following, that way the schedule will stay intact. I'm sure the week-long break will have a detrimental effect on my progress in terms of fitness level, but I'm hoping I'll be able to get into it quickly. Also, this way I will have to start again on that Monday and not put it off to keep with the schedule.

In my diet, today I had two small slices of pizza. We ordered a new kind in celebration of my mom's promotion and it was for the occasion. I enjoyed it but also found it quite greasy. The box with about 5-6 slices remaining is sitting in the fridge, about 5 meters from me as I write this but it has no pull on me. It's just not worth it. I also enjoyed a can of diet coke with it as I hadn't had any in about 2 weeks or more which for me, a former addict, is quite an achievement. I hope the pizza doesn't affect the scale, though, I'm quite sure I am below my calories for day which is also not great but I prefer to be under than over. I need to start eating smaller meals more regularly but it is proving a hard habit to develop. Anyway, I am excited for what the scale will bring tomorrow but regardless I refuse to let it steer me away from my progress and my goals. Whatever the number says, I have accomplished more in these three weeks than the three months previous even though they resulted in 28 lbs of weight loss. That is the most important lesson, I think.

Getting Better at Gym Class

I sweated so much today, and it felt so good. The past couple of days I haven't been super-motivated at the start of the Insanity workout but by the middle I am into it. I'm trying exercises I would not have dared to attempt on the first day, taking fewer breaks, and doing more reps faster.

I'm getting better and I am happy that things are moving in an upward direction.

Funnily enough, I was thinking about the fact that Insanity is my junior high gym class x 100. Our gym class or Phys. Ed. included playing team sports and all but a lot of it was also focused on fitness exercises. Every couple of weeks we had to undergo fitness tests where we would have to do push-ups and sit-ups and dips and some exercises similar to Insanity. At that time, I used to find any excuse I could to stay our of gym class. I used to forge letters from my parents, get real medical letters from doctors (I did injure my ankle frequently), and just generally hated the idea of competitive fitness. If, at that time, you had told me that I would be giving my all to something in the same family of exercises and going much, much harder than I ever have, I would have called you crazy. I was unfit, but not really fat, just slightly overweight. I was weak and just uninterested in fitness and exercise. I played volleyball and I was okay at it but I hated being on the 2nd string team (all the athletic girls were on the 1st or elite team and the rest - 35 or so of us were the 2nd string squad). It was fun but I just did it for the social factor (all the cool girls at school played volleyball).

Now, I want to be stronger, I want to run and I want to be fit. I don't like not being able to do certain exercises because of my weight and being unable to keep up. I am bloated right now and I hate being sluggish during the workout but I still give as much of myself as possible.

Food-wise, I think I'm doing okay. I cut down carbs but I allow some a day because I feel like I have no energy to workout without them. If the scale has not moved enough by Sunday, when I weigh myself after 3 weeks, I will remove carbs (apart from veggies and some fruit) from my diet and really buckle down for the next phase of Insanity. I want good results and I would hate for them to be sabotaged by an uneven diet, but overall I think I'm doing okay. As before, sometimes I feel smaller, sometimes I feel huge - just as huge as I did 28 lbs ago.

I'm feeling a little nervous right now because I have another driving lesson tomorrow. I know the instructor was a little disappointed in me because I was taking so long to pick things up. I have the right attitude I just wish my effort translates to results. Though I planned to practice everyday, but I couldn't do so today, my dad was tired and I empathized. I will practice with him tomorrow before my lesson so that I am less nervous of going out on the main roads.

In any case, I want to take this time to acknowledge that I am moving in the right direction in accomplishing my goals on The List. Though, it really is about the journey and rather than attempting to just cross stuff off. I want to work hard and have the effort pay off while still being kind to myself.