Which sucks.
I know I need to face my fear not feed it. I know I need to just got out and get the hard part over with but I have always been this way. Before I really "get" something I always half-ass it, hem and haw, try to put it off and be lazy about it till I absolutely have to do it. I do it because of my fear of failure, I know that too.
I also know that when I do start doing something and put my mind to it it becomes second nature and I don't even have to try. For example, when I didn't know how to "college", when I was consistently doing a C average (I was clinically depressed), when I decided to turn things around I just started doing what I was supposed to do. What others seemed to be doing. And now? I am surprised when I get a grade lower than an A+ because straight As is all I'm used to. But I worked hard for that.
I need to reframe the way I think about driving. It is a challenge, a challenge I can and will get better at. It is something that everyone gets better at. It is something I was meant to do: I have great reflexes, have great hand-eye coordination, am generally good at practical things. Years of fear ingrained me will take time to change and I need to do what I did other times when I was successful.
What should I be doing?
- Practicing.
- As much as possible, every single day.
- Listening to my anxiety-relief tracks
- Reading the rule books
- Believing in myself and my abilities
- Breathing, relaxing, focusing
- Practicing, Practicing, Practicing
Every time I try to understand my hesitation I come to: I don't know what I'm doing. The thing is I know what I'm doing when I'm in the passenger's seat but when I get in the driver's seat I freeze up. I guess I just need more practice time in the driver's seat so I can really get used to it.
Next time I have an opportunity to practice I will take it. And practice everyday, twice a day if possible. I will never get this time, this opportunity back and I need this more than ever. I just have to accept that it will take me longer than I expected and that I will not turn into a good driver overnight. It will take lots of sweat and maybe even tears. I just have to keep persevering and keep visualizing myself as a good driver.
