- I don't want to eat the garbage that I used to
- I don't crave it usually
- I don't want to eat more than 1200 calories/day (or more than what I should be eating)
- I definitely do not want to overeat
- I definitely do not want to binge
I don't feel deprived either but...I think in some ways I do in the sense that I miss the freedom of being able to eat anything. I know that completely goes against everything including my healthy lifestyle and eating philosophy but I am glad that it is not the food that I want but the sense of liberation, indulgence, reward and pleasure. I just have to find another source for it. And, of course, change is hard and breaking old habits is difficult but...I want to make sure that I NEVER backslide. I want to ensure that I can eat like this forever.
I introduce multigrain rye bread into my diet so I could eat 1200 calories, get fiber, and feel more "normal", also I just plain like it. I ate 4 slices yesterday at different meal time of course, but I'm limiting myself to 2/day.There are few foods, when I really think about it, that I would like to eat again. Actually, there are none because I do not want to risk gaining weight. So...where's the problem?
I suppose I have to think of it this way: I ate whatever I wanted for about 25 years. I ate crap and binged. And now for the last 4 months or so I have been eating healthier and healthier. 4 months vs. 25 years. Makes sense that I would have trouble thinking of it in "forever terms". The other thing is that I am living under special circumstances right now - at home, food always there, not much stress (not enough to stress eat), not much social interaction (so low social anxiety), I stay at home mostly which means I'm away from trigger environments etc. The real test (not challenge) will be when school commences because then I can really go at it in a "normal" environment. As well, I do know that this is still the weight loss stage meaning that eventually I will have to increase my calories a bit to accommodate muscle building and so forth. See, there is a bit of dissonance between what I envision my post weight-loss life to be and what I really think it'll actually be like. The old me thought that once I lost weight I would eat like normal - like my sister - she eats anything and everything and she's skinny (though, it is starting to affect her a bit). Me? I can look at a fry and gain weight. So I know I'll always have to be vigilant. That is why when I think of how I'll be eating day-to-day, I imagine being super, super healthy - eating nutritious food and working and training hard for races and goals etc.
I think I just have to train my brain to understand that this is how I'll eat forever. That it is not temporary - and I don't want it to be. It's just that I have thought one way for so long that it's hard to get out of the dieting concept. I remember during my earlier (foolish) weight loss attempts my dad used to say "just do it once, really hard and get it over with and be done with it". That was and is my parents idea of weight-loss. I know better. I know that there is no going back or being "done with it". I know that I have to eat healthy forever and that thought makes me happy. Eat healthy forever. I also know that I am an addict and I have to remind myself of that constantly. I cannot have just one fry. I am and always will be an addict. This past weekend I definitely let myself go but I didn't really binge. I got uncomfortable full at a couple of buffets but I also stopped before others at my table. I just wanted to taste everything - not eat like there's no tomorrow like I used to. To my chagrin, K, who is the formally morbidly obese friend who has lost about 75 lbs, ate a lot more. Like straight up binge behavior. It was her vacation from her normal eating and I have to admit I sort of followed her lead. I should have stuck to my guns and eaten healthy. I tend to be a follower, though, when there are authoritative or intimidating figures around and that's what she is. I will see her again this weekend so I have decided to stick to my guns and eat 1200 calories and not white rice, white breads or anything even is she and everyone else is eating them. This is about me and not about pleasing you.
Anyway, I am thinking more and more about putting precautions in place to ensure that I continue on my way. Insanity is getting harder and harder though it's the same workouts I did before the vacation (I wish I hadn't gone). I have decided that in September, if I have my drivers licence (please God!), then I will sign up for a membership at the gym by my house and get a trainer. I need to start weight-training and I have no idea where to even start. By then I hope to be about 175 lbs and in better shape for a trainer to kick my butt (omg, that will be 65 lbs down!). I just want to keep chugging along and hope that Insanity will work its magic and tone my body even more.
