Ugh.
So I was having mad cravings about 3-4 days ago and I gave in. I ate unhealthy food shortly after returning from my trip and it sort of continued on. I tried to stabilize but I kept slipping. Today, too, I did well until supper time when I had some white rice. But, it could have been worse, I literally had an internal struggle trying not to open a giant bad of Doritos that my parents bought for some reason. I fought it down just as I was about to open the bag thinking "what am I doing?!" But I could have very, very easily started eating and decide to start again tomorrow.
My mindset, my mentality is all wrong right now. I can't think of eating unhealthily as diet vacations. I can't eat bad food on vacations and think it doesn't count. I can't fall into the Monday trap. I cannot let this happen again. And the scale know. It's keeping score even though I may not be. And my body is telling me I am hurting it.
The reason I had this backsliding incident was due to insane cravings from my period quickly following a diet vacation. Does an alcoholic have "sobriety vacations"? No, obviously not. I have to treat myself the same way.
For the next ten days I am not weighing myself. I'm going to eat carb/grain free, eat 1200 calories and I am also going to workout for at least 2 hours a day. Then I will weigh myself on July 31st to see the difference. My goal, and I am getting so tired of writing this, is to get under 200.
This is a really challenging time because normally this is exactly where I quit and gain all the weight back but I cannot do that this time or ever. I have to eat like this for the rest of my life. I think a big part of me has a lot of trouble accepting that unhealthy food is off limits, but it is. I think my backslide was also due to not seeing a huge difference on the scale and underestimating how much damage it could do to my body. It is very, very, very, very easy to gain weight and very difficult to lose it. I cannot let all this hard work go. I won't.
I am trying to think of weight loss as merely a side effect of healthy eating and exercise. And trying to bring fitness back into the picture but life has been getting so hard. It really is one step forward two steps back and that will lead me back to 240 lbs, sick and fat, and unhealthy and unhappy. Instead of trying to take it easy I need to go hardcore on my weight loss and fitness.
The other reason why this happened was because of the complacency. Clothes fit now so my mind thinks its okay, I can eat a little more. Absolutely not.
So I have a new challenge for myself:
For the next 2 months (August and September) I will:
-Eat 1200 clean calories/day (now white cabs, sugar etc. especially on vacation/during events)
-Exercise for 2 hrs/day with one rest day = 12 hrs/week
I am getting mad at my weight loss and all the extra fat I am still carrying around, mad that I have wasted so much time, mad that I can do this but I am just not doing it or anything else productive.
I am blasting through 200 to 195 to 160 to my ultimate goal of 128. I am sick and tired of this shit and I am angry. And I am ready. All I know is if I eat right and exercise as stated above, I will lose weight. I know it, I have seen it happen to myself and others. This is it, and during this time I will educate myself about food enough to come to terms with the change in my lifestyle and understand that I cannot, can never eat like my old self unless I want to look and feel like my old self.
So, I am calling this Phase 2. In Phase 1, I was successful in the beginning and very motivated. I ate right and the weight came off quickly. I started working out and gaining muscle and the weight loss slowed a little. I started eating too much and then tried to fix it. I started tracking my calories and began losing weight again by eating 1200 calories day without exercise. I went on two vacations and ate poorly and lost momentum and gained weight. And now, in trying to recover, I almost slipped back into my old ways. So, now, I am entering phase 2 where I take what I learned from Phase 1:
(-Eating 1200 clean calories/day works and helps me lose weight
-Exercise makes me feel good and I can do it
-Doing consistent exercise makes me better at it
-Doing strength-training exercises helps me gain muscle and shape my body)
and apply it in Phase 2, but with complete consistency not allowing anything: change of place, mood, circumstances etc. to deter me from the way I eat and workout. If I had done this I would have been close to my goal of 185 by the end of July but I didn't and now I am farther away. I can't keep doing this to myself. My goal for August is 185 and September is 170. I will do it.
