I'm still recovering from the friend break-up I went through this past weekend. The last interaction I had with D was a text message in which I wished her well and said that we would get together the next time I'm in town. I got no response to this text and I don't know why. I could feel that her and her friends were being cold to me during the wedding as well. I am still not sure why. From my perspective, I attended her wedding and I stayed away from participating too much. I didn't get ready with her like the other girls did because Vegas was too much for me and it would just bring back memories of the ostracism that I faced then, and I can pretty much guarantee that the same would happen now. They would have ostracized me in some way. And since she didn't have bridesmaids, it's not like I wasn't fulfilling some pre-designated obligations.
Could I have been friendlier and texted her ahead of time to let her know that I would be minimally involved because of certain circumstances? Yeah, probably. But, I acted according to how I felt. I was being honest with myself and how I felt. Do I have any regrets? A couple. But I don't think I would change anything about the weekend. I had already made the decision to cut ties with her and I suppose now I have. I guess I just wasn't expecting it from her end too. Now, I am not quite sure where we stand and that bugs me. Last time we met, was at her party and I hugged her congratulations and she hugged me back and then hurriedly moved away without so much as a "thank you for coming". I spent hundreds of dollars to fly there and got nothing for it. So my one regret was going at all. I could have just stayed home and cut ties but I thought it would be fitting to attend her wedding as a last goodbye. And, I thought I would have been not "doing", avoiding and escaping had I not gone. And that does not go along with my new self.
The fact of the matter is that she hasn't replied to my text and that bugs me because it tells me that she is shutting me out. I didn't want it to be this way. I tried to be the bigger person and be as friendly as possible. Maybe that was my mistake, I wasn't 100% honest with myself. It's hard, this authenticity business, at least it is right now, in the beginning. Having always been a people pleaser and generally non-confrontational, I don't know what it's like to have someone not like you to your face, to have an enemy and so forth. The problem is that I was trying to give this "relationship" closure and she fucked that up for me to. So here is my closure: it's fine D. You win. You can hate, talk about me and tell other people things I may have confided in you (I was very careful to not do this). You can do all of that. Chances are that when next we meet you will be polite with me and give me your fake smile. I hate that smile, the one where you show your teeth while the wheels in you brain churn thinking "how can this person be useful to me, how can I exploit them?" That is the best I can expect from this relationship. And this is my ideal for our relationship. The worst case scenario is that you will talk shit about me to everyone you know and ignore me when you see me in public. Again: that's fine too. I just hope that the next time I see you I will not be the first to crack, that I will hold my resolve strong and that you will see, with those shrewd eyes of yours, that I am better off without you, that I never needed you and that you underestimated me always.
That's the saddest thing, I think. That you think I'm stupid. That you think I went along with every thing in Vegas because I'm a follower. That you think I'll never get anywhere and will always be this way - stuck where I am. To be frank, I used to think so too. Sometimes I still do, at my lowest but it because I am letting people like you speak for me. I want to speak for myself. I want to show you and the world what I'm worth and what I'm capable of. The hurt that you cause me will take time to heal and is a good reminder that I did the right thing. Someone like you is not worthy of being my friend.
Being my mother's daughter I always tend to second-guess my decisions and feel anxious if I feel like I have ever hurt or disappointed people - this is 75+ years of putting others before myself (including my mother's age). We both disregard how much others hurt us and sacrifice ourselves on their altar. So, for my mom and myself, I will break this cycle. I hate you D and I am indifferent to your life. And I don't care what you think of me anymore. Feeling this way will take practice but if I am to be successful in the world of work, the world of leaders and doers, I have to be prepared to be disliked. And to be okay with that I have to be happy with myself and I am not right now - my trepidation and thoughts about her are motivated by the fact that she is right - right now. I fantasize about the future and think of how she'll react when I am successful in weight loss and work but that still gives her power over me. What about me? What about my thoughts on my success. I will do it, dammit. I am worth it. I will work for it for no one else but myself. To be happy I have to do. Time to get started.
