I'm still getting over the events of this past weekend. It's hard because those thoughts still pop in my mind: did I do something really wrong, am I the wrong party, will she talk bad about me to others, does she hate me, do I hate her, am I wrong etc. I don't want to think about her and the weekend anymore. Instead I want to remember the good stuff and move the fuck on. I have started already. Good things I did today that contributes to my progress:
-I talked to people in my class today and they seemed nice
-I ate healthy today
-My good friend is coming over tomorrow
-I exercised today for 1 hr at 3 mph and burned about 450 calories (says the treadmill).
-I talked to my sister
I am starting to climb back up to where I was. I am starting to take control of my life again. This is the third time now that I've pigged out on a trip and then gotten back on the wagon. I know that I shouldn't keep doing that but I am still proud of myself for resetting and getting back up each time. Funnily enough, though I said it before, the whole thing with D is motivating me a little bit but in interesting ways.
I keep thinking about the potential and dreams of mine, and how hard I am working to accomplish them. I was sitting in class today and just thought, "this is where I belong." In the classroom, among mostly like-minded peers. As well, I can feel my spirit coming back. I can feel my old personality: funny, vivacious, jovial, approachable, return slowly. At the beginning of the summer, I thought this was going to be the hardest but most enjoyable summer in a long time. I was right about the hard part. This has been a hard summer but not because of the weight-loss/fitness stuff. It has been hard and challenging due to my old relationships with D and her friends. It has been hard because I have learned difficult truths about myself: that I am selfish, irresponsible, that I can and should do more to help, that I need to show up and contribute. That I am a grown-up now.
But at the same time, the whole thing with D I think goes along with the theme of this summer - growth, authenticity, self-improvement. I cannot be the me I want to be with the presence of toxic people in my life. I have no room for that. I can already feel a little bit better at imagining a future where I don't have to think about or imagine impressing D. I learned a lot about who I think I am or at least want to become. I noticed the qualities I admire in others and wanted to (re)cultivate them, namely:
-Authenticity, realness, honesty
-Kindness, appreciation, generosity
-Humor, Joy
-Hard Worker, responsible, accountable, mature,
-Being unafraid to smile, someone others want to be around,
I have aspects and parts of each of these, I just have to bring them to the forefront and/or dial them up. The most important is the authenticity because it encompasses all of the above.
I am still too afraid to drive and won't be able to do so until Friday. I have to start though, tie is running out for that.
I am also having a little trouble following through on my courses - again responsibility and accountability.
But, I am proud of everything I did today, proud that after a really shitty weekend I was able to bounce back. I decided that I wanted to follow-through on my motto for the summer: DO. It is when I stop DOing that I stagnate and fall back. So I decided to start doing stuff and it's working. I wanted to distract myself while being productive and slowly but surely I will get over last weekend's business. Most importantly, I have been thinking a lot about friendship and how much I am in need of good friends. How much I lack good strong friendships. I need to make new friends again and as you get older it only gets more difficult. So, I do not plan on being aggressive and trying to make friends, just being nice and being myself. I had lost of opportunities to make great friends in the past but because I couldn't drive I avoided becoming too connected. I know it's crazy but that's what I did. I want to not do that anymore. And, of course, the other goal is to cherish the friendships that I have especially with my close friend J and my sister who lives out of town, and my parents, too.
I cherish these moments and do not take them for granted.
The other thing that I am proud of today is getting on the treadmill and walking for an hour at 3 mph. It's so weird that in the past I would only do like 20-30 minutes because I kept psyching myself out because I was feeling "tired". Today I decided that I would only get off once I felt totally exhausted, like cannot walk another step, or for 1 hour - whichever came first. I started to feel it a little around 45 minutes and then just decided to go for the hour. I could have gone longer but I also did have a bit of a nagging pain in my hip, too. But, I do know that I can go longer. My goal is to hit 2 hrs and also to increase my speed. I want to do this walk at night and do C25K in the morning before I shower because it'll make me sweat. I have decided to take a break from Insanity for now because I want to focus on fat loss for now and just was feeling a little tight in my body from only Insanity. So, once I have the treadmill routine down, I'll start Month 2 of Insanity (I'm thinking 29th). I'm sure it'll be very difficult starting after such a long break but it would have been hard regardless.
I'm trying to find inner peace and strength. Motivation to keep going. I have good and bad days and good and bad moments, it's all good. I was thinking today about the motto YOLO and how I don't quite agree with it because I think you live anew everyday. I also think that "Live everyday like it's your last" is much better because it motivates me to think about my basic values and principles and living according to them. In that sense, I tried to work today with that. And I felt good, I felt free, I felt okay. I felt like I wasn't a total fuck-up already before 3 pm in the afternoon, like I normally do. Thoughts still nag me about the weekend but the same thing happened with Vegas and I moved on, so much so that I think I blocked out a lot of the terribleness and have trouble remembering it (alcohol was involved). This time, I don't think that'll be the case. I think I'll remember more but as they say: time heals all wounds. And while mine, caused by D, have been inflamed for a while and irritated again, those will scab over too. I can only be me and I have to be happy with what I have whether anyone else accepts it or not. And no one will know or understand how I feel or felt and that's okay. As always, I have to pull myself up. Today, I also focused on staying and being in the moment which was helpful.
My big problem is that I am, at any given time, either ruminating and beating myself for the past or worrying or fantasizing about the future. I need to be in the moment. In this moment.
