I had my driving lesson today, my fifth one to be exact. As of now I have had about 7.5 hrs. of practice (just one work day!) with my instructor and about 5 or so with my dad. I think, just judging by this much practice, that I am not too bad. I still can't make a lot of decisions on my own but the graph is definitely getting better. Whereas my first lesson was a 3, my second a 2, my fifth is like a 6 out of 10. I can control the car, my reflexes are getting better. I still have problems with left turns in that I don't make decisions quickly enough. I slow down on lan changes which is dangerous, but I don't do that every time.
Overall, I am more aware, and I am starting to get it. Today while I was driving with him I felt like "y'know, I could drive on my own. certainly to and from school with the skills I have now". I still need a ton of practice but because my progress graph is rising on an incline, I feel good about. But I also know I have to practice everyday. My dad wants me to get my license by the end of October which I hope I can do, for his sake and for my own.
I am a perfectionist, though, and I will not test till I am super confident.
The funny thing is, I had a total full-circle moment the other day. It really was serendipity or something cosmic. I was waiting for the bus at the bus-stop. A car drove by kind of slowly. I was still in my neighborhood and, so, there were very few cars on the road. When this car passed by slowly, I had enough time to look at the passenger. It was my old instructor. From about nine years ago. He's sort of a family friend so I've seen him a couple of times over the years, but, never in the ensuing nine years since he "taught" me to drive have I seen him in that car on the road. It was like a message from the universe. He looked at me too, and it looked like he may have registered my face but I am not sure. I smiled to myself. It was a sign.
I have so much resentment towards him. He was (and probably still is) the kind of instructor that yells. He yells and he talks on his cell-phone and he doesn't pay attention and he yells some more. He was terrible. I was thinking recently, actually, that I remember very, very little from that driving experience. He taught me the very basics and I don't remember actually the learning part. He taught me the testing routes and that was basically all I learned. So, I was excellent at driving the same route. Therefore, when it came time for my test, I was nervous to the bone but I drove and because my examiner took me on an unfamiliar path I panicked and failed. I remember the test but I don't remember the driving lesson. I do remember almost hitting a pedestrian and also almost hitting a curb because I didn't really know how to turn.
I failed because he was terrible. He made me fear the road, and the car. He made me fear driving. That fear was also instilled by my examiner because I hated her for...doing her job. I hated her for being cold towards me though I distinctly remember she said that I was a confident driver which...doesn't make sense now. I hated the day because it rained and in my OCD brain that was an omen. I cried for hours after the test because...I don't know why. Because I was humiliated I think. But I don't understand why. I think it was because the situation was too traumatic for me. I've often felt that getting in the drivers seat felt like PTSD in previous years.
Seeing as nobody know any of this I have to remember to be proud of myself for coming this far. For sticking with it and not giving up even when I wanted to, and almost did over the summer. I have to be proud of my self for seeing the silver-lining even though my brain wants me to only focus on the negative. I know that if I drive enough I will get better. I know that I will keep going and get better and drive like a pro because I am not giving up on this goal. I think my instructor is probably a little frustrated because I keep making the same mistakes but I haven't even had that much practice. I was reading some message boards online for driving anxiety and nervousness and some people had taken 30, 40, 50 hours of lessons. Someone had taken 2 years of lessons. Others were still as nervous when they started and most of these people had gotten their licenses. My questions at the beginning of this process were: it is even possible to get better if you suck? will I ever get over this nervousness? etc. I have my answers now. Yes, it is possible to get better even if you think you suck, and even if you were terrible in the beginning. Yes, the nervousness will decrease. New situations, new errors, new obstacles will make you jumpy and you may feel like the butterflies will never go away and that you will always grip the will that hard out of anxiety but you will ease into it. You'll probably continue to be nervous but that's okay. You'll be fine.
I drove for the full 1.5 hrs today and that is a lot of driving to do. I was exhausted by the end because of the stress and time and the heat. By the end I just really wanted to drive back home. I still ask too any questions but once I get more confident hopefully I won't have to.
Whatever. I am happy because I think this is good progress for 5 lessons and whatever my trainer or my dad may think, I think I am doing well because at lesson 1 I could not have imagined I would be driving like this in lesson 5. Lesson 1 was left turns in residential streets, 2 was right turns (and I sucked), 3 was driving on the road more and navigating traffic like that, 4 was more driving all over, 5 was driving all over and parallel parking. I think I need at least 10 more hours of driving all over to become "good". So I'll be driving everyday if possible, I wanted to do 24 hours of practice
