I have serious problems just being me, just being myself. This driving thing has made me more aware of my self and my being than before. That's why I've been feeling so uncomfortable lately. I don't feel like myself - as I've written many times before here. I feel out of place everywhere. I feel like I'm trying too hard everywhere and everytime. Even around myself I don't feel a hundred percent. Am I depressed? Like actually clinically depressed again? I don't know. I also don't know whether this is just a funk or the side-effects of all the anxiety that driving is causing me.
I haven't been able to start working out yet. Or, to phrase it more honestly, I just don't want to yet. I don't feel up to it. I keep saying tomorrow, the familiar song. I'm just tired of everything. When I think about taking a vacation or getting away as a solution it also doesn't seem like the answer. I need to escape from myself for a little while.
I am okay most days, like I am okay at school and stuff. I feel a little odd, even as I participate in the social mores of daily life. But, I can't seem to stop criticizing myself or second-guessing every interaction, every body-language cue, every person who looks at me. Can I wish for a different brain? Or at least a different brain chemistry. Maybe I should get anti-anxiety drugs.
I don't know what to do, anymore. What is this life?
I am lying to my parents about how far along I am in my graduate career because they expect even more than I've given them. I live daily with the reality that I have failed at so many things, that I have been rejected so many times. I can't drive and I am majorly overweight - battling these demons every day, every week, every month, every year of my life. Will it ever get better? My problems may seem almost trivial to those with "real" issues, but to me they suck all the joy out of my life. My vitality is gone, my vigor is non-existent. Some days I have a zest for life but more often than not I feel like the only thing I ever want to do is lay on the couch. I feel bad for being a bad daughter, for stressing out my parents so much in their older years now. I don't want them to worry about me. I just want to make them happy, especially since my own sources of happiness are so hard to find.
I consistently look at myself in negative connotations. Even the most trivial gestures make me think that I've done something wrong. I can't talk to anyone about it, really. Well, I could, but I feel like I don't want to go there again. All the work I did, all the pain I experienced. Going back to counselling seems like a major step back.
I am lacking hope. Seriously.
I am thinking this is an effect of my diet also. The more garbage I feel - all the bingeing I've been doing - the worse I've been feeling. It is so hard to persevere at times like this.
I feel powerless, too. I feel like I am trudging through life with no real control over it. I think that is it. I attend classes - highly structured. My time is monopolized by readings and stress. My time is taken up by work also. I have to learn how to drive, I have little choice in the matter. My dad declares that I have to practice on this day and that like I'm a petulant child, waiting for me to resist. But I comply. I feel like I just comply. I have to graduate school and all the control rests with the various graduate committees. I have no control over my future, or very little anyway, which determines how much hope I have - very little. I don't feel like I am determining my path. While I have chosen it, other forces, other actors are laying the tracks. I am just drifting along making sure everyone is appeased, everyone is pleased. I don't feel authentic or honest, thus, I don't feel like myself. I have to start being more honest. I have to start somewhere to stop feeling like this.
