I imagine a different life for myself. But the temporary nature of life does not lend itself well to dreams of the future. Essentially, I think and feel that I want to accomplish so much but what if I couldn't.
There is no point in being unhappy but I am aware that I am the architect of my own unhappy house.
What do I do? I try to do the right thing, and I can do more. But the results are not always ideal.
So how do you have hope, how do you continue to live with optimism?
It's like I've been given all the tools and parts for a great life but the instruction manual is in an alien language.
I am tired. At my age.
Everything is so surreal, it doesn't even make sense anymore. This is my life, and I don't understand it. Sometimes I feel like I have a glitch in my brain. Some moments seem vivid, others I float through. I feel distant from myself. I don't even know who I am anymore. When I speak, I do fine - social conventions, social obligations, small talk - all fine. But it's not me talking. It's other people's idea of me. A false idea. There is real dissonance between who I present myself as and who I really am. There is too much dishonesty in my life.
I understand that I have to clean it all up to conquer the real issues. I know that I have to dive down into the murk and eliminate it and only then will I be able to move forward and make any true progress in life. I am stuck because I keep doing the same things. Telling myself and others the same lies. It's like hoarders - except you've hoarded your mistakes and failures and lies and armed yourself with them - packed yourself in a protective cocoon of a "good enough" routine. What would my ideal, ideal person - the vision in my head - do tomorrow?
-Sleep for 8-9 hrs. max
-Exercise for an hour min.
-Shower
-Eat breakfast
-Read the driving textbook
-Practice driving
-Finish all my reading for school the following day
-Make a list of things I am proud of myself for doing and grateful for
-Read for pleasure if I have time
-Clean if I have time
-Eat healthy throughout the day
It's a pretty simple and obvious list, but the difference is that ideal me wouldn't shy away from it, wouldn't hedge or hesitate. And thus, would be on the road to success sooner. I just want to feel happy and not like a total fucking failure at the end of the day.
