I heard my mom say, while she was cooking for me, that "[she] hasn't even lost any weight it's been a year". She was talking about me to me but as if behind my back, a taunt, an insult. Perhaps she thinks that hurting my feelings will motivate me to get off the couch right away and lose weight and all her dreams will come true, namely:
-I'm thin
-I'm beautiful
-Everyone loves me
-I become a medical doctor
-I get married to a doctor of my ethnicity and have children etc.
My dreams:
-I'm thin and fit
-I love me
-My parents are proud of me
-I get my PhD and a job as a professor
-I fall in love with someone (any ethnicity) and we live happily ever after - marriage optional, no kids.
We differ.
It hurts me, deeply, to know that my parents are so disappointed in me. They believe in the old ways of the country: shame your kids to make them better = parenting. My dad, too, is so rude and unsupportive sometimes. I know he's tired of me but I don't think that is an excuse to hurt me with barbs.
I try. I do, I try really fucking hard. I just wish I could get some recogniton for that. I don't want an award for trying. I don't want a pedestal. I don't even want them to be proud of me for trying but they could at least not be so cruel. It's like I'm not a person. It hollows me out everyday. If I don't leave soon I will be just a husk of a human. A skin suit that once had memories and dreams, wishes and a whole soul - not the thin wisp of smoke that props me up.
I've been thinking about death a lot lately, because I'm depressed. I've been thinking about my own mortality, about the futility of life. I've been on this hamster wheel of the same bullshit for so long, it's like I'll never change, never accomplish those same three goals. It is because of my thoughts of death that make me comfortable with driving some days, that make me feel ballsy - which is not the same as consistent confidence. I feel like it's not that nerve-wracking. It is in acknowledging my death that I can face the fear head-on, that I can become free of it. It returns though, time and time again. These moments of freedom are rare.
I was thinking earlier tonight about how cars and driving represent adulthood for me. They define a sort of "letting go", of "cutting the cord". It is also something I always picture others doing easily but not me. I have started to envision myself as a casual driver more and more recently as I learn to navigate the roads. The point where I will be confident is still a ways of. I get a little nervous thinking about the test and all that but that is so far off in the horizon now. Driving is such a sensitive issue for me and my parents. They know and I know how I have failed in life because of this crucial aspect of adulthood. I am not an adult. I ma still a kid in these ways. Interestingly, kids get their licenses easily at 16, and at 25 I'm still clutching to my dependency though I am wildly independent in my mind. I keep trying to find the missing piece of the puzzle, the key to lock that will unlock this mystery for me: what is it? Why are things so askew in my life. Why is my life askew?
It's probably a combination of childhood, parenting, insecurity from both, and my own neuroses from OCD and depression. My parents, it seems, have blanked out my depression from their memories. Because I am normal now. They think. They don't know or realize that I will always be broken, at least a little broken. I wish they'd lower their expectations of me so we could both find some peace. I wish they'd realize that I will always be a misfit toy.
At times like these I become more motivated to apply and do well and get into a school out of town. I just need to go now and leave this city and my stagnation behind. It will tough, though, if I get in here and out of town. I'll definitely move away, though. In the interim, I plan to work during my summer off full-time and give all that money to my parents or save it for moving away if I get in. I don't want to move away from my parents but I have to.
In terms of weight loss, I'm definitely gaining weight and I need to stop. I am starting tomorrow to work out and breaking in my new hrm. I have to drive tomorrow, read a bunch of articles and exercise for more than an hour. I think I'll read now to save myself some time tomorrow. School is a big priority for me now, I have to do well, I want to do well. I want to be extraordinary, an exceptional student.
