The Struggle

After my lengthy vacation my weight has climbed back up to 205.7 but that was to be expected. In fact it's not as a bad as thought it would be. I am excited about the future and just trying to rein in my weight and start back on my exercise and healthy, clean eating regimen.

So far I am planning to do the following for self-improvement:

• Back to driving lessons - I am doing my road test in October and though I am a little nervous I am excited to become proficient in driving.
• I bought peels - to finally help improve my skin, I purchased a 20% peel and a 40% peel. I tried the 20% so far for 2 minutes and it worked well. I am going to try it again tomorrow for 4 minutes and see how well it works.
• I am looking forward to starting fresh on my diet and exercise plan and looking into some 30-day trials. I want to actually follow through with one of those for once.
• I want to start running again.
• School will start soon so I am gearing up for that and I am excited about all my classes.

I do have a lot of work to finish so I will be getting on that just as quickly as I finish procrastinating.

About the driving - I don't feel nervous. I kinda want to get in there and take it out for a drive and whatever happens happens. I just don't see what the big deal is anymore and I think that has a lot to do with my recent vacation. I had to do a lot of things that I never would have done. I just...don't care that much about the fear. No doubt I'll be nervous when I first get in the car but that's natural and everything else I have to let roll off my back. Last year I finally got an instructor - more progress than I have made all year, and now this year I have actually booked my test, which means I should have my license next year lol!

I guess it's all just one small or large step at a time. Last year going to the licensing place would have given me a panic attack and today it was like nothing. I am more afraid of myself than I am of anything outside myself.

Update: Documentaries, Smoothies and Healthy Poop

That's a gross title, but it is true.

Since around the beginning of the month I have tried my best to eat well. I have done this by educating myself. I watched a bunch of documentaries and I got a Vitamix blender recently. My intention was to learn about healthy eating and how it affects my body, and, conversely, about how unhealthy food is made and how it harms my body. While nothing I have learned has been groundbreaking, some of it has been surprising or just very informative so that I feel like the message has started to sink in more than it has before. Before, I would eat healthy just to lose weight. Now, I am doing that still, except I am also eating for health and to keep the old garbage out of my body.

I have also started working out really hard. I am pushing myself and really talking to myself while exercising so that I keep going. So far I have been able to run for 10 minutes straight which is absolutely crazy to me! I would never have thought it possible. But, I was underestimating my body. I have been mainly focusing on cardio but now I am incorporating weights as well so that I can tone my body and not just lose weight but build muscle to burn fat as well. As far as food goes I don't eat any processed carbohydrates before evening. This just helps me stay on target. It has been working for me so far. Then, in the evening, I eat brown rice, brown rice noodles, or multigrain rye bread.

I have a busy summer coming up so that is why I am trying so hard right now, so that I can take advantage of the time I have available now. I ma hoping my efforts will pay off. In terms of other non-pounds related benefits, well...

• I have more energy
• I drink green smoothies and put in all the nutrients that I feel I should have include flax, turmeric, vitamin d, protein powder etc.
• Because of this, I have stopped taking my iron supplements which used to give me stomach discomfort and made my poop black.
• Speaking of poop:

It is now green. Not radioactive green, or forest green, but it is like a dark army green-ish because of all the chlorophyll from the vegetables. Plus, I go more than once a day usually which is great because in the past I used to go like, maybe, twice a week. And, it doesn't smell bad.

I love my smoothies. They are convenient. I throw in whatever I have on hand. I don't follow a recipe but I always add spinach and/or kale and blueberries and flax. I particularly love adding avocados because the fat content in them and their texture makes the smoothies taste great and have a great satisfying texture, and they feel more filling. My Vitamix also allows me to make awesome dips, dressings and sauces which I have only tried one of but so far the results are great. Plus, it solves the daily conundrum of what to eat for breakfast/oh no I didn't eat breakfast.

This routine is good but I also want to make sure I indulge once in a while without guilt. I know it sounds crazy but to make sure that I don't go crazy, or that I don't binge because "I deserve it" I need to be able to manage eating foods that I would eat normally as a treat.

Skin update: purchased two dermarollers (0.25 and 1.0 mm), jojoba oil, glycolic acid cream, and bentonite clay. Will try them and keep track to progress.

Current weight: 208.7 lbs