My Cliched Motivation

I want him.

I know it is strictly superficial. He reminds of all the popular boys in school, all the jocks who would never look at me. He is a man's man - tall, muscular, with the confident stride and "Superman" jaw. But, he is also nice. He is a nice guy but I do have trouble figuring him out. I don't know who he is, who the real J is. I know what kind of girls he likes though, and that is not me. Not by a longshot.

And perhaps that I why I want him. Or, more accurately, why I want him to want me. I want to be the object of his desire because of what I perceive his social worth to be. Ugh, it's all so Darwinistic.

I can picture it now. The end of the year party, it is a formal night. Everyone dresses up and looks extra hot. He sees me in my new avatar - the thin me, the me I want to be. He wants me. The End. And then, I feel, what? Satisfied, complete, happy because some boy I don't really know but fancy fancies me too? So, then I will be worth something.

Right now he considers me a friend. Not a close friend, more like a close acquaintance, a pal. I want to change that. I am tired of being "that girl". Always the friend, never the girlfriend. I know how incredibly cliched that sounds, that it is the lament of every fat girl in high school. I feel a little pathetic as a 20-something feeling this way still but should I? Everyone values looks but it's the personal qualities that make the difference, and I see that in him. He is just a genuinely nice guy. He is not the sharpest tool in the shed but he is sincere and I just am attracted to him. Is it bad that this sexual attraction makes me want to lose weight and be hot for him so he'll want me. I am putting it bluntly but it is the truth. I know it is arrogant of me to think that he would be attracted to me too if I was "his type" but I want to try. The other thing that people often say is that "he should just like you for you" but should he? I am only attracted to really fit guys, yes I am that superficial. I wouldn't expect anyone like him to be attracted to me, not the way I am now. And, honestly, I don't want anyone to be attracted to me the way I am now because I am not either - I am unhealthy and not happy with the way I look, so should someone else be?

I want to walk into that hall next year and have my own classic 90's teen movie makeover moment where the sexy main guy finally notices the girl who was there all along (that's me). I know it's sad, but I think every rejected girl has this fantasy.

I have big dreams for next year, this is one of the small ones.

Anyway, update:

According to Burn the Fat, Feed the Muscle by Tom Venuto, and the various calculations I did from the text, told me that I need to weigh 165 pounds which is about 45 lbs away. I know I can do it. I am really looking forward to revving up my workouts and building lots of muscle and getting into a proper routine. There were some work problems that I was having so I was really stressed out and kept cheating every single day. It was and is terrible. But now that I solved the work issue I plan to get my shit together, and, hopefully, look like this by the end of the year:

Renewal

I have a renewed sense of purpose. My social life has exploded. When I was in first year of university I would have been so envious of the person I am now (except for the body). The funny thing is all of these new friends are younger but I still like them and some of them are only one or two years younger. In any case I feel like one of them, I like them and they are fun. I decided at the beginning of this year to take more chances and to just get out there and it has worked for the most part. I am not always proud of the things I say or do but I am getting there. I am more confident.

In the last few weeks I have been lazy and coasting. I have booked my driving test and I need to get my license more than ever. I am doing so many jobs and with winter coming I can't risk not having a car anymore. I was also procrastinating on my research for my prof and falling behind but I am going to finish it all tomorrow and make my prof proud and by the end of the weekend I will have everything done for her. Then it will be all driving and health and school all the time. Don't get me wrong, the fear of driving hasn't gone all the way but whatever is left of it I am going to chip away at it with each lesson. All I know is that I need it. Also, my sister will be giving birth soon and it would be really nice if I could drive to get her things when she needs them. I hate being useless.

All I know is that I am fixing my life. I have my plan for the future and I am ready to put into action. I am doing a number of jobs this year and plan to stop spending (on food and clothing). I also plan to work my ass off with working out. I have new romantic and social goals as well and career goals:

Do a stellar job at my research positions
Continue to excel in my other jobs
Continue to do well in school and excel
Publish one paper this year in a journal
Do a great job in my conference presentations
Finalize my research proposal
Finish my research in summer 2015
Finish my thesis in summer and some of fall 2015
Graduate in January 2016
Move away or travel for a job/or stay here and get a really good job and take lots of vacations
Present research at conference next year and publish
Do a mental health study/writing for UM
Start dating in 2015
Get my nose pierced after weight-loss
Get my bellybutton pierced
Get a tattoo (or two!)
Apply to my favorite phd programs next year
Do everything with all my heart!
Get surgical procedures for loose skin (implants etc.)

Fake it till you make it

The woman I want to be has her shit together. What does that mean anyway? Someone asked me that this weekend and I said - someone who knows where they are going and what they are doing with their life.

I know where I want to go with my life and I know what I am doing with my life and, unfortunately, those two things don't match. And, I numb myself with food, alcohol, internet, television, facebook, twitter, instagram, thinspo, tumblr, fashion, makeup, shopping and idle gossip to distract myself from the voice in my head that is begging me, beseeching me to listen. I am drowning that voice out with all this other noise because I know that if I listen I will have to give up all these things which I like and I will have to do things that I don't necessarily like, or that I think will be difficult or painful or frightening or a combination of the three.

But the woman I want to be? She is different. For example, tonight she would go to bed in a timely fashion, organize her clothes for tomorrow, keep her surroundings clean and make sure that she is adequately prepared for her meetings. She would eat a healthy breakfast and mentally ensure that she has time to work out later in the day is she hasn't worked out already. She would get to her meetings and handle things professionally and impress everyone around her with her intelligence and organization and eloquence. She would be kind to others and assertive when necessary. She would not care what anyone thinks of her appearance, of her past, or her presence and/or her future. She would do everything that needed to be done without fear. She would prepare in advance healthy foods for herself to avoid temptation, save money and eat healthy. She would think before she spoke when she ran into strangers and she wouldn't ruminate about her interactions with others. She would be the picture of maturity. She would return home and get straight to work on her research and avoid distractions until the work is complete. She would then, like the night before, ensure that she prepares for the following day and follow through. She would appreciate herself and her hardwork, she would take pleasure in the small things. She would value others and be grateful for what she had. She would spend more time listening and less time gossiping, bragging or saying negative things about others or herself. She would ensure that she does not let others down and that she does let herself down. She would not do something she is uncomfortable with. She would drink minimally and not get drunk or feel loose and happy. She would make fitness a priority and ensure that all her prior commitments are complete. She would sit in the driver's seat and focus. She would listen, listen, listen. She would understand that the stupid distractions are detracting her from real life and the fullness of experience. She would see the patterns that she has put herself through time and time again. She would stop making false promises and starting health blogs, excel spreadsheets and to-do lists for "next monday" to just give up again when a new restaurant opens or when she skips exercise. She would take her health seriously. She would stop being afraid of the unknown and the unknowable.

That girl is me. And I am stooping her from doing all those things. There is no point in psychoanalyzing why, there is only one thing to do and that is to do it.  

Peel Review after 2 treatments

So far I have done two treatments of this peel:  Skin Laboratory - Salicylic Acid 20%

The first time I did it, I used a timer and kept the solution on for only 3 minutes (2 after I had finished applying it on my whole face). I had a stinging sensation and a bit of frosting after only this short time which excited me because it meant it was working and that I didn't get scammed and buy "expensive water". I neutralized the acid with cold water and I applied vitamin-e oil and jojoba oil together. In the morning my face felt tighter but not drier, if that makes sense. I took "before" photos before this first treatment.

The second time, last night, I kept the solution on for 5 minutes (4 minutes after I had done my whole face). This time, the stinging was stronger and it was certainly uncomfortable but nothing I couldn't handle. I also noticed a bit of redness. Interestingly, I felt a lot less stinging on the areas of my face that are scarred probably because of all the rough tissue underneath. So, I will apply more on these areas next time. Again, I neutralized with cold water but it took longer for the stinging to subside and I gradually applied colder and colder water. I only used jojoba oil this time after neutralizing and it felt amazing. This morning my skin felt tighter again.

In terms of appearance, I can see a small difference but nothing crazy yet, however I know it is working and I would much rather do this than the scary peels in the doctor's office at this time. I am going to continue to do this peel every 5 days. What I also like about it is that there is no downtime and, since I do it before sleeping at night, I can wear makeup the very next day. The skin does feel newer but not tender or anything. I use Dior BB cream with SPF 15 but if I know I am going to be out in the sun then I will use a stronger facial sunscreen to protect my skin.

I haven't used the 40% yet but I will definitely be following the instructions to a T. The other thing that I will change up though is that I might start using a fan brush to apply it because I feel like a lot gets wasted using a cotton pad. I have a lot of fan brushes from my makeup set so I will use one of those after cleaning it thoroughly with alcohol.

After 1 more treatment with this I will post the before and after pics. I am not doing the dermarolling right now, but I must say that I definitely like peels better than rolling.

Freedom

I'm champing at the bit to get out of here. And, by "here", I mean both physically and metaphorically.I want out of this current self-imposed slump I'm in and I want to get out of my geographical location. I want to get out there and explore the wider world. I want to just go and be free. And while that sounds incredibly cliched and reminiscent of my teenage years, it is true.

I am sick of not being able to drive and go wherever I want to which is making me feel really motivated about driving in general. I think this is how "normal" 16 year olds feel when they are first embarking on driving. And, I never used to feel that way. The fear of the road and the car used to always trump everything else. But now I just want to get in there and learn and pass and drive. I know it won't be easy and there will be mistakes but that's all a part of the learning experience. That is how you learn. Go slow, be patient, focus and keep going, don't quit. I believe that same thing applies to losing weight also.

The Struggle

After my lengthy vacation my weight has climbed back up to 205.7 but that was to be expected. In fact it's not as a bad as thought it would be. I am excited about the future and just trying to rein in my weight and start back on my exercise and healthy, clean eating regimen.

So far I am planning to do the following for self-improvement:

• Back to driving lessons - I am doing my road test in October and though I am a little nervous I am excited to become proficient in driving.
• I bought peels - to finally help improve my skin, I purchased a 20% peel and a 40% peel. I tried the 20% so far for 2 minutes and it worked well. I am going to try it again tomorrow for 4 minutes and see how well it works.
• I am looking forward to starting fresh on my diet and exercise plan and looking into some 30-day trials. I want to actually follow through with one of those for once.
• I want to start running again.
• School will start soon so I am gearing up for that and I am excited about all my classes.

I do have a lot of work to finish so I will be getting on that just as quickly as I finish procrastinating.

About the driving - I don't feel nervous. I kinda want to get in there and take it out for a drive and whatever happens happens. I just don't see what the big deal is anymore and I think that has a lot to do with my recent vacation. I had to do a lot of things that I never would have done. I just...don't care that much about the fear. No doubt I'll be nervous when I first get in the car but that's natural and everything else I have to let roll off my back. Last year I finally got an instructor - more progress than I have made all year, and now this year I have actually booked my test, which means I should have my license next year lol!

I guess it's all just one small or large step at a time. Last year going to the licensing place would have given me a panic attack and today it was like nothing. I am more afraid of myself than I am of anything outside myself.

The Agony and the Ecstasy of the Scale

I weighed myself this morning, just because I felt like it and I had just "gone to the bathroom". Lo and behold, the number on the scale was...

197.0

...which is freaking fantastic. I was so happy, I did a little dance. Upon reflection, it was interesting for me to realize that just a week ago I was miserable because of the scale - what that number represented to me was "progress but not enough progress --> could have done better --> should have been lower --> failure --> will never lose weight --> what else do I have to so --> not for me --> not my destiny --> will never lose weight, will never be thin. And that is what I call the misery spiral.

And today: yay --> I did it --> I am so happy --> I know I am doing something right --> I am figuring this out --> I am working it --> I am doing it right. There was also a bit of "I got lucky" in that the scale can feel a little unpredictable. It's a little bit like playing the lottery and it really shouldn't be. If you've been on point 80% of the time, there should be no reason to feel that hesitation, to feel like you're gambling on the Vegas floor by stepping on the scale.

Of course, the downward spiral is worrying, because it really did affect me. Because of my work schedule and this I didn't work out for four days which is not good but it was something I kind of needed in retrospect. I think if I hadn't weighed myself I would have maybe taken a 2 day break instead of 4, but oh well.

The best part of all of this, the part I'm proudest of, even beyond the weight is that I got back on the horse after those 4 days. I burned 1000 calories, as I has planned and worked out for 2 hours - weights and cardio. It went by quickly and I will be doing it again today. This fills me with hope because it tells me that I was able to get back into it. Not only that, I didn't cheat cheat- I did eat a bit more but of the healthy food. I did not binge-eat and spiral into a full on midnight snacking session. I won't lie, the temptation was there because there was huge bag of my favorite chips in the storage a few feet away from me. But I didn't eat them. Because I just knew that it was inherently bad for me - like chemically toxic. It's different to have one or two but having the whole bag would be like ingesting poison. So, I am happy that I didn't slip much and more importantly that I got back into working out.