I have gained and lost the same 30 lbs for so long that 205-ish is the lowest I have been in the past 3-4 years. This is a huge obstacle for me. I think it has a lot to do with the idea of normalcy and looking more and more like a normal, functioning member of society - a normal woman. I look in the mirror and I see my "normal". Which is also a huge problem. I have a very large archive of before and after pictures that I use for motivation and I need to look at them to recognize and realize that change beyond this point is not only possible, but necessary for me. I am still very much obese. I think I have become complacent with the weight for so long that I cannot fathom any other reality.
I need to start visualizing myself at a lower weight but I have a hard time accepting that. I need to, though, if there is to be progress. I need to accept that I deserve to lose the rest of the weight, that I deserve to continue and become who I am supposed to be.
The complacency ma also be due to the lack of progress pictures. I haven't taken some in a while and I will today as a starting point. The goal is to be under 200 by the upcoming wedding. That is a 7-8 lbs loss (2-3 of which is water weight). This will require me to work very hard over the next week. I want to burn like 1000+ calories/day just to see if I can do it but I don't have a calorie counter even though I wanted to buy one so I can't track it accurately. Today I only plan to restart Insanity. Tomorrow I will wake up earlier and run/walk.
Part of the reason why I haven't been working as hard as I could be is because I am scared. I have a deeply ingrained fear of success (which is really a fear of the unexpected, of not knowing what is around the corner - or beyond the lost weight). I need to keep in mind that it is just weight loss, just a pound at a time and I have worked too hard to to stop or slide backwards into my old miserable life.
I am certainly tired from my trips and many stressors that are causing me some (lots of) anxiety so I feel a little hesitant about restarting the exercise and having so many things on my plate but...that's a grown-up life. And they are all things that I want to or need to do.
The biggest stressor in my life right now is the driving lessons. I haven't gone for a while and I need A LOT of practice. But I do know that once I get the hang of it I'll really get it. It is just incredibly nerve-wracking for someone who has been kind of terrified of it for a long, long time.
But I am ready to refocus my energy and create a routine and get in the swing of things, take any bumps in the road in stride and continue on my path to accomplishing my goals. I will be adding a new one to my list as well - Running a Full Marathon next summer. In the meantime I would love to run and improve my times. I have to start tomorrow, though. No more waffling. I have to basically make my life: working out, driving, and school. That's it. I have to fully dedicate myself to those three parts of my life by doing a little bit everyday. Because before I know it summer will be over and I will be back in school making the same goals and resolutions I always do. No more.
- Goal for this month: 185 lbs
- Running everyday this month - become a Runner by the end of the month
- Staying within 1200 calories everyday this month (barring any exceptional circumstances)
- Being proficient in driving by the end of the month
- Finish my course requirements to the best of my ability
- Being myself - being consistently honest myself and being okay with myself
For me, the consistency is key. I have to continue my good behaviors everyday and gain strength and energy from that.
