I was looking at an old picture of my face just now and it can only be described as fat (and maybe downtrodden). I then took another picture immediately for comparison and noticed a difference. My face is thinner and less round. I have a long face but you can't tell with all the padding. It really showed me, though, that I have a fat person's face, that I am fat still and I have a long way to go. It also reminded me of the fact that I have no idea what my "skinny face" would look like. I have no clue. I have always been this way, I have always been the little girl with the chubby cheeks and the soft body. There is a deep connection between my perception of what I "should" look like and what I actually look like and a superficial disconnect with what I "wish" to look like. A part of my brain thinks, "well this is okay, I'm smaller, my clothes fit better = done". The rational part whispers "ummm no, not all". I need the rational part to be louder, to hear that all the time so I can get off my ass and get moving. It is only when I see myself in pictures that I realize how far I have to go and it will NOT be easy, but then nothing worth doing ever is. In fact, it could and should be fun.
My pants are so loose that it makes me feel skinny but that is not the reality. In reality I am still 205.5 lbs, still obese. In reality I am still very unfit. In reality I am still not happy with the way I look, though I have moments but in those moments I am settling for a lesser version of myself. So, I have no choice but to stop wearing my loose clothes and start to go down in sizes. I have to leave the comfort of baggy shirts and loose skinny jeans and embrace the tightness and reality of my smaller clothes. It won't be easy because I am so used to wearing these loose-fitting clothes and being comfortable but I've been "comfortable" for far too long already.
My diet has stabilized and I am tracking everything again. Because I am eating regularly I really don't feel like indulging or "cheating", though I was craving Chinese food today, and cheese fries. But that is nothing that can't be fixed with patience and substitution or just eating anything healthy at all.
I need to get back to drinking lots of water. It was starting to become a habit but the travel interruption caused me to stop drinking lots. I have to help it become an everyday thing. Along with exercising.
I am going to finish out Insanity and start Chalean Extreme next month. I need to buy weights for that so I'm going to hold off for a bit and then get 'em later this month. I feel like I need to be more in shape and lose more fat before really getting into it. That's not to say that I won't be doing any toning stuff but I feel like my body will be better served if I can at least complete the exercises with proper form.
I am feeling better overall, getting over the crazy vacation and all the guilt and regret that came with it and moving forward. I'm still having some trouble with anxiety but I am trying my best to be positive. I have to drive tomorrow and I'm nervous but I really want to be good. My priority will be to focus and think while driving to engage my brain instead of shutting down. I can do this.
