I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now. I have a ton of schoolwork to do, a lot of readings too. I have work - a job for which I'm currently training. I have my stupid, fucking driving to worry about. And on top of all that my weight is ballooning because I'm freaking out internally from everything. The stress of it all is too much at the moment. Things could change tomorrow, and things were different yesterday, but right now I feel terrible.
This is all compounded by the fact that I almost had a collision today at at four-way stop sign where I was turning left and the car in the lane perpendicular to me decided to go well after I was already in the middle of the road. It was ridiculous because it wasn't my fault but I also panicked a bit because my head was telling me to do one thing which was clear the intersection while my dad was yelling at me to brake which is crazy. I hate that. The same thing happened at another left signal. There was a bunch of oncoming traffic and I couldn't tell when to go. At those times I feel like it's all still a mystery to my - a driving code I will never understand. Hopefully I will be able to figure it all out. My dad wants me to do my test in the third week of October. After today's "practice", I'm getting nervous and my confidence from the lessons before is dissipating.
I'm just plain tired. I want to book an appointment with the doc at my clinic and get some anxiety medication, but also something that will allow me to drive as well. I don't feel normal and I need to feel normal again, and quickly, before I drown in all of the responsibility.
The work part is fun though, it's just managing the time schedule. I'll have to go to school 4 days a week now instead of three so it'll be an added stressor. Then next week I have three events on a Saturday, 2 of which are all schmoozey. No wonder people take up drinking as they get older.
It's all too much and I feel like crying. I feel like I'm letting everyone down.
Oh and I forgot to mention my grad school stuff which is like another job, practically. Well at least teaching people to write will help me compose an amazing letter (and this blog should not be taken as an example of my writing skills as it's usually written in a hurry and in unusually high or low emotional states - also I dgaf about writing perfectly on here).
Anyway, I'm trying more than ever "to do the right thing", but it seems clear that I can't half-ass it. Either everything is right or nothing is because the middle grounds ends up with me here, crying over my laptop.
My weight is 210.3.
I feel like I can't think straight. I also have my period right now and I swear a couple of days before it started I remember having a dream about having no ovaries. I wish I didn't. I don't want kids, I don't want these mood swings either.
I just can\t right now, with anything.
This was nightmare, though, this whole thing with the driving, weight loss, school and work and grad school and everything else. That it would all be too much, that I would build up too much and my system would overload and I would..become depressed? Implode? Shut down?
I don't know.
All I know is that I have a bunch of readings and work to do and little time to do it. And it'll probably only mount from here seeing as school has only just started. But I know escaping my problems won't help, only facing them will, no matter how much fear it makes me feel. It would be easier to face my fears though, if my mind didn't always feel so foggy and so drained, thus why I don't feel clear-headed when I drive - another symptom of anxiety, my heightened state of panic.
No wonder food is my panacea, whatever dopamine-related effects it provides, my brain has latched on to it as a source of those and thus my addiction to food.
I just want it all to stop for a minute so I can think. I'm not as smart as other people, I can't think as fast as the other drivers on the road, I would just like them, I would just like life to understand, to cut me fucking break. I don't deserve this misery.
