Overweight

I realized when I was editing my progress table that I have achieved my first goal, that ever elusive goal of being 200 lbs! In all the number nonsense I forgot about that! I am so proud of myself and I will never be this weight again because I will keep going down (weight-wise) from here.

My next BIG goal is 191 pounds - not only because it is in the 190s but because that means that I would be classified as overweight and no longer obese according to the BMI chart. This matters to me because while BMI can be inaccurate and is often denigrated by many people it is still the standard of body-fat estimation and for me anyway it seems to be pretty accurate. I feel like I have really noticed every pound come off me and I do think that at 191 I won't look obese anymore which sounds crazy but it is true because I am 5' 7" (a little more actually).

So, I am really excited about that. I will weight myself again at the end of this month and I hope to be 191 pounds. I plan to do this by continuing to workout as hard as I have been but also by waking up early and getting a lot of those NEAT calories in. I mean I could be burning was more calories by being active all day.

Weigh-In

So I weighed myself.

I weigh, as of this morning, 200.1 lbs.

Which is...good.

"..." means, well what it looks like: that I wish it was more, that I wish it was 199 etc. Also, when I realized that I was 207.0 at the end of April 30th, I felt like I should have lost more.

BUT.

I only started to really track my exercise on May 13th, and also noticing the differences in my weight which means that I was probably around the same (207) at that time. Therefore, it doesn't make sense for me to get bent out of shape about it.

Onwards and upwards, as they say.

Therefore, I need to plan my goals for the following months. Realistically, losing 40 pounds should take me about 4 months at 10 lbs a month. I also feel like, the way I was exercising I should have lost more but that is hard to reconcile with the fact that I am 200 lbs which is the lightest I have been in years, literally. Also I am a little bloated from my period which is taking forever to come and from the fact that I haven't "gone" to the bathroom all day today which can also affect weight loss.

More important than all of that is the fact that I need to fix my sleep schedule if I am to lose some actual weight because I am not able to take advantage of all the NEAT calories I could be losing. That is the problem. Anyway, my goals for this summer:

I will be travelling for the rest of June and July but I am hoping to keep on goal:
June - it is 6th June today so I intend to still lose 10 lbs by the end of this month and be at 190.
July - because I will be busy travelling across the ocean it will be harder to exercise but i will be doing a lot of physical activity so I am going to set the goal at 10 lbs again - so I should be at 180.
August is when I get into gear and I will want to work harder than even before school starts. I'm going to set the goal at 12 pounds = 168. I intend fully to get there but it is so hard to imagine what that will be like, seeing as I haven't been that weight since around 2006 - a full 8 years ago when I was a wee baby.

The number is so useless. It does nothing at all. It doesn't help me at all. In fact it just takes everything away from my progress. I am happy being without the scale and I am going to keep it that way. So far I have managed just fine - I have lost 7 lbs, I am at my lowest weight in a long time and I am in Onederland - but none of that matters. It doesn't change what's in the mirror and what I see with my own eyes. I could have very likely (and I have) gained muscle which the scale does not reflect. I know I am getting stronger which is why I am going up in strength and the 10 lb weights are not heavy enough for failure. So that's a win too.

So.

I am going to continue NOT weighing myself and just doing what I am doing. Living, exercising, eating clean and enjoying my life. I am not going to get hung up on the number because the number is useless. I refuse to do so.

I am going to keep working out as hard as I have been, it is a part of my life right now and I intend to keep it that way. I am going to look amazing at the parties I am going to and I am going to have an amazing experience during my overseas excursions. And I am going to keep going and keep working hard and smart.

The Itch to Weigh

I'm getting the itch to weigh myself. I want to know where I am but I am also afraid that I will be disappointed. I an always find excuses to not weigh myself but now, not doing so is annoying me!

I am scared though that I will not be under 200. I am afraid that that is an insurmountable obstacle like the Everest, like something that can't ever happen. But then again, I shouldn't be fixating on the number. Maybe I should weigh myself tomorrow? Or...I don't know. But I feel like I can't wait anymore, like I need to know if all my hardwork is actually paying off. I have been burning 750-1000 calories almost every night, like is anything even happening? Have I lost any weight?

And I can't rely on my perception either because some mornings I wake up and I feel fat. I feel like nothing has changed and that nothing will change. I am getting angry because I am realizing how long this journey takes but I am also glad because I know that my hard work is paying off. I need patience. I need to be more patient. I need help sorting through this. I need to figure our what I want and not make a big deal about this.

Okay, I will weigh myself tomorrow morning when I wake up. I need to know how I am doing. I guess I didn't want to weigh myself today, because I feel fat today. Ugh.

Balancing the Scale

One bad thing about not weighing yourself while working out like crazy is that I don't actually know how well my work is paying off in numbers but there are a number of good things that happen when I don't weigh myself:

1. I appreciate my body more
2. I rely on my sight with the mirror and touch to feel out how much weight I have lost
3. I don't notice the micro-changes that result in minuscule changes up and down in weight which would otherwise get me down.
4. I keep going without letting the weight on the scale derail me or change my mood or consistency in any way.

The negatives:

• I don't know how much weight I have lost (though I do know that I am losing weight).

Therefore, it is clear that, for me, not using the scale is much better. Of course, it would be nice to know but I know that the number affects me way too much. All I know is that I am smaller and will continue to lose weight if I keep doing what I am doing.

Also #1: I have to rely on the mirror and I like what I see. I know that I am smaller and I am definitely not gaining weight. I don't even know what significant weight loss looks like, so any day now I could notice a more significant change in my weight due to the way that my body looks. I have also noticed that my pants are looser and my belt keeps needing to be tighter and tighter. Although I can't fit into significantly smaller clothes, my clothes are certainly fitting better - i.e. I don't need to automatically suck  my stomach in. My arms are still the same size - like what do I need to do to make them smaller?! And the spare tire around my hips is particularly stubborn - but I'm hoping that steady cardio exercise will continue to chip away at that stubborn fat.

I am also considering upping my weight routine and going back to doing Chalean extreme - Phase 2. I noticed that the weights were getting too easy and I wasn't taking as much time or burning enough calories. I am curious to know how many calories I will burn during the routine. I have decided that on my weights day I will do weights and the Biggest Loser yoga DVD to start. Hopefully, that will continue to help me burn calories and tone my hips and arms. Or perhaps I can do two of the Chalean videos one after the other? I really want to focus on only cardio and dancing on the second day to give my muscles a break? Regardless, I am going to find a system that works well for me.

In terms of eating, I am doing fine. I may need to up my calories but I am afraid of doing so and I also don't want to count calories. I just estimate, read packages and overestimate my calories as a precaution, and I also eat healthy snacks whenever possible, but I do eat for sure. Food has always been a reward for me but now I do so to my advantage by saving my biggest meal for after my workout - supper. I eat about 1 cup of brown rice, 3 oz. of chicken and some plain yogurt. I usually follow this up with two squares of 70% dark chocolate for dessert. I also drink green smoothies which keep me full, so I don't feel like I am not getting enough calories. I think I am. Besides, just like the number on the scale, my calorie totals also mess me up by providing an easy way for me to fixate on the numbers. No matter what I would try to keep them low and I would be nervous that I underestimated my calories. Also, I believe in intuitive eating and doing something I keep doing forever. Calorie counting - nope! I cannot count calories on myfitnesspal forever, nor do I want to. It sounds horrible and horribly guilt-inducing. 

Can you imagine eating a slice of pizza at a party, logging it and being disappointed that it has 500 calories - or the alternative, feeling hungry > eating a bit of pizza > stopping when done feeling hungry > and working out regularly. The latter happened to me a couple of days ago - I had a slice of white dough mushroom pizza - I ate a bit - it was okay, not the greatest so I thre the rest in the garbage and I was aware of my feeling vis-a-vis the pizza, the whole time. I wanted a few bites to satisfy a craving and my hunger, I had some, I knew it was full of sugar and fat so I limited my intake greatly. I mean one could and most do count calories on myfitnesspal without feeling guilty but I just don;t think that is conducive to a healthy mindset for me. I don't want to treat food as only calories or numbers - I love food but now I understand it a little better - not completely - not at all, but I just feel like calorie counting makes me sad and disappointed in my self and makes me feel like I am always on a "diet". 

Workout Fatigue

The last two days I have been quite tired during my workouts and unable to burn the same amount of calories, according to my Polar hrm, as I used to. I have been reading a bit and I'm afraid it may be what I fear: workout fatigue, meaning I need more rest. I don't want to rest, I don't want to wait even a day but perhaps I have been working my body too much. But I don't want to take a day off so instead I am going to do two yoga workouts instead of the weights that I normally would have done. I feel tired even now. Of course, my sleep schedule, is, you guessed it, still messed up! Maybe another nights sleep will help. I don't know, I'll see how I feel tomorrow. I am also not eating super regularly and could use more protein and vegetables, in general.

I just hope I can recover from the fatigue, because otherwise I will just end up getting more fatigued each week.

I'm just worried. I feel like this is all a whole lot harder than I had expected. I mean I have been through it before, but I have never tried so hard and I definitely feel like it's working but when you don't see in the mirror what you see in your inspirational pictures that I love so much.

I am hoping that the number on the scale will be worth it but that is why I am not weighing myself because I need to realize that this should be enough - the differences that are taking place in my body should be enough.

Thoughts n' Stuff

I have been working out everyday. Except, I took a break yesterday. I really feel like I needed it. I felt like, afterwards, that it was totally well-deserved and well-used break. I also ate out, and today as well but it was reasonable and portion-controlled and fairly healthy.

I have been working out like a beast. Every single day I workout lots. On one day I do dancing and high-incline walking on the treadmill. And, on the next day I do upper-body weights and some more walking. According to my heart-rate monitor, I am burning lots of calories - about 1000 maximum, with an average of about 800 calories. I enjoy it and it isn't too intense. I spend around 2 hours working out.

I am, still, not weighing myself, though I am curious.

I must be honest: I am still not happy with my reflection in that every morning I awaken and the first thing I do is scrutinize my tummy in the mirror and it always seems to look the same. I know I am being ridiculous because obviously a change in my body shape will take more than just 10 days of hard exercise. But, still. I just can't shake my desire for a flat stomach in the mirror. As long as I don't let my expectations derail my plans - I remind myself everyday to just keep doing it and I also laugh off my disappointment because it is unwarranted. Because I am not weighing myself, I don't know how much weight I have lost. I just need to be happy with myself and my hard work - and I am. As always, I wish I had started earlier, but that is not like me - I always procrastinate.

I am also going to continue my workout into June. I want to keep going and see how much progress I make before I go on vacation.

I still have not kept up with my work which is annoying me and my sleep schedule is still very messed up. Or of course, I could do the work during the night when I stay awake, but I don't seem to do that. Instead, I watch tv, surf the net, looks at fitspo or blog. I read, too. But, that is only when I resignedly go off to bed and read a bit before falling asleep.

Still a child, definitely not a 26 year old grown-up, yet.

My state of mind right now

My last few blog posts have been short and to the point because I haven't had the time or energy to write a long-form post about how I am feeling and thinking but it is important because I need to catalog my thoughts during the "flow" as well, and understand my motivation.

My whole day revolves around exercise right now. I wake up at around 4 pm in the evening, have a smoothie and then I hang out with the family. Afterwards, when they go off to bed, I start my workout routine and exercise for about 2 hours. I burn about and average of 700 calories. I feel like I can do more and it should increase overtime.

I know that this is not a sustainable lifestyle and it is only possible, now, during the summer when I have nothing going on for the next few weeks. Actually, that's not true, I do have things going on but I am avoiding them because I am afraid of juggling too many things and losing control. I know I need to get a handle on myself now.

Based on my school schedule in the coming year and all the things I need to do with my job, I think it's important to start structuring my day a little better. I, of course, need to start waking up earlier. I am thinking 12 pm to start and then I'll go earlier. Then I can have my smoothie and I can then hang out with the family and get to work. After working on my school and job stuff, I can exercise when everyone goes off to bed, around 9:00 pm and then relax till 2-3 am. I think that should be okay. It is still not a "normal" schedule but I have to do what works for me.

In terms of my motivation, I like working out. I don't think about it too much. I just know that lifting weights will make me stronger and walking on high incline will strengthen my legs. I use a heart rate monitor and the only thing I am measuring right now is how many calories I burn during my workout. I am hoping to start burning an average of 800 calories a week. I would like to burn about 900 calories per workout because that means that my heart rate was in zone for about 90 minutes of my workout out of 110 minutes which is about right.

I am also not weighing myself right now because I think if I weighed myself right now and saw anything higher than 203.5, I would be incredibly disappointed even though I have only been "supercharging" for about six days. Still, that is what the number does to me. It screws with my head and it fucks my mind over into thinking that I should have lost much more by now, that I should be under 200 by now.

That is the real goal. Getting under 200. I am doing this "supercharging" right now to blow through that barrier and to also build up my strength and tone up my arms. To give you an idea of how messed up I am about weight and body image: I have to remind myself everyday that it has only been 4 day, 5 days, etc. that I have to wait until the end of the month to figure the changes in my body. So, it will be great if my mind also changes along with this for the better. I also need to remember that last summer when I was doing Insanity, while I was really disappointed about only losing 4 lbs, almost everyone noticed the change in my body and I got lots of comments, I also felt like it really toned me. I think my diet should have been better but that disappointment of the 4 pounds led me to binge again on vacation and not care. Then the driving, and then I had to finally get the antidepressant because I was so unhappy with everything and just felt out of control.

Now I am trying with the help of the pill, and everything to continue to build on that effort and realize that I probably lost a ton of inches from insanity even if I may not have lost pounds. And, I have to keep telling myself: Inches over pounds; because that is the most important thing anyway, that I lose inches of fat. The pounds are actually really unreliable.

I do have little ribbons I cut up to measure the difference in inches at the end of the month, so I am hoping there will be lots of excess ribbon!

How am I motivating myself right now? I don't have a lot else on my mind. I structure my whole day around my workout so I don't really have to motivate myself because I just know that I am going, that I have to, that I want to work out - and I really feel like you need all three to be consistent and work hard in your workout.

There is also an element of competition. I want to keep doing better and getting better and getting stronger. I want to keep lifting heavier and heavier so that my arms and my core get stronger. I try to do pushups and keep trying to get lower and dig deeper (though they are still modified pushups). At least, I am starting somewhere.